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How to Turn Your Blog into a Book

April 11, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

TURN YOUR BLOG INTO A BOOK – Summary of Power Point Presentation

BY ELAINE AMBROSE

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop – March 30 -April 2, 2016

BAM – BLOGGERS AT MIDLIFE CONFERENCE – April 15-16, 2016 – Las Vegas, Nevada

Decide How to Publish

Find a traditional agent and major publisher – no control, takes more time, no rights, few copies – Menopause Sucks
Hire a book packaging company – expensive, negotiate rights, they distribute
Self-Publish through your own company – total control, cost up front but keep all profits. Arrange professional design, cover, and format. Do sales and promotion. Midlife Cabernet

Create Publishing Company

Name – Mill Park Publishing, not Momma’s Little Pub House
Decide Your Name – Some of us have had more than one due to the fact that we write better than we marry.
Find a Niche –Written by Women, a portion of proceeds goes to charities
Complete paperwork and register in your state as a business
Purchase ISBN in bulk, learn Bar Codes and Copyright
Resources: research, workshops, marketing, promotion,
Budget for your time, professional design and layout, editing, printing, distribution, materials such as bookmarks
Study inside Publisher’s Page of other books
Keep Records – taxes, profit and loss, track and measure success

^{What will it cost?}

Start with $3,000 – doesn’t include printing or distribution
Your time?
Professional cover: $500
Professional editing – $500, at least once
Marketing and Promotion – at least $1,000
Professional layout – print and eBook – $500-$1,000
Depends upon number of pages
Depends upon difficulty – artwork, charts, interior graphics

Self-Publishing Research Tools

Copyscape checks for plagiarism
Writers&Artists – Resource for writing, facing rejection, helpful tips
Grammar Girl – Non-threatening rules for punctuation and grammar
Evernote – Syncs your devices and organizes your documents
com and RhymeZone
Poets&Writers – writing prompts, resources, submission details
NaNoWriMo – write a 50,000-word novel in a month
http://www.ingramspark.com/blog

Publisher’s Details can Separate Professionals from Amateurs

Title Page –Title, subtitle, author, publisher’s name and logo, year, location
Copyright Page –All rights reserved, etc., year published, ISBN, Library of Congress, if necessary – see samples
Spine –What is seen on bookstore shelves – clean – title and author name
Running Heads – Identify each page, except title page
Page Numbers – Make sure pages match Table of Contents

Know how to Format Chapters

A typical chapter is at least 2,000 words
A book needs at least 40,000 words
A typical blog is 500-800 words
Read each blog and select the best
Decide the chapters of your book
Add selected blogs into specific chapters

Midlife Cabernet: By the Numbers
50% blog posts from elaineambrose.com – and other sites including The Huffington Post

50% new material
57,714 words, 216 pages, 267 words per page

Sold more than 6,000 books and eBooks
Two National Humor Awards and Publishers Weekly endorsement

Feisty after 45 Front Cover FINAL

Feisty after 45: By the Numbers
45 women writers from across the country and Canada
Increased authors from 25 to 45 to fill enough pages for a book
40,144 words, 166 pages,
241 words a page
#1 in Humor in Midlife on Amazon.com

PLOT YOUR BOOK THROUGH A BLOG

Outline your book and plot content
Start writing the book as separate blog posts
Results in first draft of Manuscript
Already promoted through your regular blogs
Package, edit, and publish

BLOG PHARASES THAT DON’T WORK IN BOOKS

OMG
Excessive profanity
Avoid time: Yesterday, I went to the wine bar Woe is me! (Be happy you wrote a book!)
Ending with a question: What works for you?
Impossible requests: Call me sometime

^{BOOK COVERS: Yes, You Can Judge}

bad book cover 3

Visually attractive in color, design, short title
Add blurb with credentials
Back cover copy is life or death
Visible in thumbnail copy on Amazon
Eye-catching in a sea of contenders
Provocative
Hire professional designers, illustrators, or galleries for your covers

cover drinking with dead women

Prepare Promotional Materials and Establish Your Brand

elaine blog winner ad jpeg

Organize Premiere Parties and Community Events

Feisty JUMP FINAL FINAL
LifeSucksLaughHard_2015

Track Rankings: Feisty after 45 Hit #1 in Print and eBook

Feisty ranked Feisty #1 and #2 on amazon

Track Success

Books from Mill Park Publishing have won 15 awards in the past four years.

PUBLICATION FORMATS

CreateSpace

Amazon paperback and Kindle eBook – submit files – order proof

– proofread – proofread, again

They show records and analytics, pay quarterly
Print-on-Demand is easy to update, distribute – no storage
Enroll eBook in other platforms: KOBO, iBooks, Google Play
Print layout and format are different from eBook
Start on next book
Hire an assistant – Finger Puppet, if necessary – Have fun!

speaker puppets twin falls

Premiere Party for “Feisty after 45” is April 22

April 8, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

We have two ads for our premiere party:

Real Coffee for Strong People

March 31, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

coffee

One of the many advantages of being older and having grown children is that mornings can begin at 9:00 am. There is no need to get the little buggers out of bed, dressed, fed, and to school before you go to work. All that crap happened twenty years ago when you were young and energetic and actually cared if their sack lunches contained edible food. Now you can sit around in jammies, read the paper, and drink coffee until noon. It’s a wonderful life.

However, I’m worried about several friends who have taken their old age freedom and turned into coffee snobs. They demand only the freshest beans harvested under a full moon from secret mountain forests and flown in on fairy wings. They have contraptions that measure, grind, and arrange the beans in symmetrical patterns while pure glacier water is infused through organic filters woven by chanting honey bees. These friends go to great lengths to prepare, sip, and sigh over their coffee. I think that’s silly.

I recently needed to be at the airport at the criminal hour of 5:00 am for a flight to a conference. I stumbled to the coffee bar and waited in line as a crowd of zombie passengers placed their orders: iced smoked butterscotch latte, caramelized honey Frappuccino, or espresso con panna. I thought they were naming the characters in a foreign porn film.

“I’ll have a coffee, black,” I said.

The barista froze over her register.

“Just plain coffee?” she asked in a mocking tone that blatantly pronounced me as an uneducated, unclean heathen.

“Just plain coffee,” I repeated, careful to slowly pronounce each syllable.

“Well, we’re having a special today on a dark chocolate melted truffle mocha!” she chirped. “You should try it!”

“I want a cup of coffee,” I repeated. “I’m not paying $7.00 for flavored chemicals in hot water.”

She dumped some coffee into a paper cup, smashed on a lid, and shoved it across the counter. I smiled weakly, paid, and turned to find my seat in the mass of caffeine-loving passengers drinking their flavored concoctions. In my pre-dawn stupor, I wondered how society changed from busy people wanting strong, black coffee to delicate flowers requesting expensive, foo-foo drinks with cardboard cuffs so fingers wouldn’t get too hot.

We need to reclaim authentic brew for real people, and I suggest a global fight for our right to drink black coffee. I refuse to order a macchiato, even though I like the sound of the word. Seriously, would you date a man who ordered a flat white espresso with a thin layer of foam on the top in a demitasse cup hand-crafted by elusive Peruvian peasants? No, give me a campfire scene where cowboys are passing a dented tin pitcher of brew strong enough to make ears bleed and hearts palpitate. That’s coffee. I’ll take a cup.

Fringe Fashion Failure

March 28, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

fringe dress 2

I felt feisty, fun, and a fabulously festive in my new dress festooned with fluttering fringe. The long strands covered body parts that needed to be hidden after years of neglect, gravity, and buttered scones, but the swaying material allowed gratuitous glimpses of legs that once rivaled the gams in pinup posters hung in greasy automotive shops across the country. I was one hot grandmother.

I loved my new outfit and eagerly prepared for a night at an elegant soiree. The first trial came when I attempted to pull on a coat to keep me warm against the winter chill. As I wiggled into my wrap, the fringe on the sleeves of the dress snagged, bunched, and clumped until I resembled an irritated pig wrapped in twine. Stray strands knotted around my neck and hiked the back of the dress over my butt. This was not a pretty vision, and I began to feel less glamorous.

After waddling to the car, I proceeded to the party where I encountered more challenges and calamities. Removing the coat revealed a tangled mass of disheveled strands that seemed to be embroiled in a fight-to-the-death fringe battle. I clawed at the material in a desperate attempt to untangle the hairball that was consuming my outfit. Once adjusted, I walked slowly through the venue so I wouldn’t disrupt the delicate free flow of the garment. Static cling became the new enemy. At any given moment, a rogue fringe would leap out and adhere to the pants of a tall handsome stranger. At least my dress had good taste.

fringe dress

The evening progressed nicely, and I enjoyed gushing compliments about my attire. I assumed the worst was behind me and celebrated with several glasses of fine Cabernet. After a few hours, the wine needed to exit the body, so I sashayed to the restroom. This call of nature became a cry of the wild.

I proceeded to gather the fringe in a ball around my waist so I could sit and assume the position. It became apparent that wasn’t any chance to control what seemed like a million independent and defiant strands, and the wine didn’t help my concentration. By the time I finished my duty, I realized there was one more dilemma. One hand was needed to secure and employ the necessary toilet paper.

I shifted the wad of fringe to one side and attempted to secure it with one hand while I fumbled for the paper. The effort was futile. After achieving contortions only accomplished by professional gymnasts in the circus, I managed to drop the paper on the floor and the fringe fell into the toilet. I momentarily lost my mind.

Not one to give up easily, I grabbed more paper, finished the flush, and jumped off the comedy commode. Liquid dripped onto the floor from wet stripes of sorry, violated fringe so I grabbed sections to squeeze the excess moisture. Soon my hands, my dress, and the entire bathroom reeked of toilet water. I washed and dried my hands, took a deep breath, and joined the party, dripping all the way, leaving a raked pattern of fringe droppings on the carpet.

Reluctant to sit down, I faked my way through the evening and was hesitant to consume too much more wine or water in case there were security cameras around the bathroom and I was prohibited from entering. When it was time to leave, I wrapped my coat around my shoulders so I wouldn’t need to repeat the torment of the sleeves.

At home, I removed the dress, buried it in the dry cleaning bag, jumped into my dowdy but fringe-free jammies, poured a glass of wine, and relaxed in comfort. I may donate the dress to charity and allow someone else to enjoy its charms. But, for a brief moment in time, I felt festive and fashionable and those sweet memories will last long after the humiliation is gone. As for future fashion choices, I’ll avoid the fringe element of society.

(Featured on The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop blog March 27, 2016. http://humorwriters.org/2016/03/27/fringe-fashion-failure/)

Bringing Fame and Shame to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

March 23, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

One week from today I’ll be flying to Dayton, Ohio as a speaker for the prestigious Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. My famous fart will follow me there and linger throughout the conference because I’ve become a stinkin’ cartoon.

My friends and family have known for years that I have no shame, but now I can cut loose with some real proof. My essay on The Huffington Post, “Don’t Fart During an MRI,” inspired Lola, the sassy curmudgeon of the daily comic pages, to assume the position and copy me. I don’t want to raise a stink, sound offensive, or toot my own horn, but I’m putting on airs to permeate such a ripe compliment. This cartoon passes the smell test for lighting up my day. I’m truly relieved.

The silly post went viral and generated more than 720,000 “likes” on Facebook. The piece was subsequently published in Germany, Italy, Korea, France, and Brazil and reprinted in several newsletters and magazines. I was interviewed on the HuffPo Live streaming newscast for writing one of the top ten most-read posts in the 10-year history of The Huffington Post. After 40 years of professional writing, I finally got noticed because we all secretly have the maturity of 10-year-old boys.

elaine huffpo live 1

Todd Clark is the creator and artist for LOLA, a nationally syndicated comic strip featuring a sassy senior citizen. Clark introduced the character in 1999, and she’s still causing chuckles for readers of all ages. I met Clark as he was creating cartoons at the annual Guardian Ball in Boise, Idaho. The event benefits severely wounded, injured, and ill veterans in the Wyakin Warrior Foundation. The Foundation provides one of the most comprehensive education, mentoring, professional development, networking and job placement programs in the country for severely wounded and injured veterans. My stepson, a Marine who was wounded in Iraq, is a member of the Wyakin Warriors.

I told Clark about my embarrassing medical experience, and he quickly sketched some artwork showing Lola tooting in an MRI. It’s not exactly Wonder Woman, but the caricature fits my personality… and life experiences.

todd clark lola

Since World War II, cartoonists from the National Cartoonist Society have traveled all over the world to visit wounded troops being treated at military and VA hospitals. Todd Clark packs his pencils and sketch pads and joins other award-winning cartoonists who support our military veterans. I am grateful for his contributions to veterans, and I’m delighted and humbled that now Lola and I are comedic cousins.

I’l be speaking at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop about how to turn a blog into a book and how to write humor. I hope that my audience can appreciate a good fart story but also enjoy other tidbits of knowledge, as well. I don’t want to be remembered as that funny woman who farts.

Here’s a list of the translated versions of my fart story as it continues to permeate throughout the world. It’s the least I can do to bring about laughter and sharing among all peoples. The translations are archived on The Huffington Post.

Don’t Fart During an MRI – in Korea, Germany, Italy, France, or Brazil

나는 MRI 촬영을 하다 방귀를 뀌었다

Huffington Post

Read More: Huffington Post News

나처럼 극한의 창피를 끊임없이 감수해야 하는 가엾은 인간들과 동정을 나누고자 내 슬픈 이야기를 아래에 적어�…

Read Whole Story

나는 MRI 촬영을 하다 방귀를 뀌었다

Korea

Read More: Korea News

Warum Sie niemals im MRT furzen sollten

Germany

Ich möchte diese erbärmliche, aber wahre Geschichte erzählen, um mich mit anderen gequälten Seelen zu solidarisieren, die immer wieder Peinlichkeiten erleben und überleben. Mein Erlebnis aus dieser Woche dürfte schwer zu übertreffen sein: Ich habe im MRT gefurzt.

Read Whole Story

5 motivi per cui il sesso è migliore a 50 anni piuttosto che a 25

Italy

Uno dei molti vantaggi dell’invecchiare è che noi sappiamo ciò che ci piace e ciò non ci piace. E ora ci fa sorridere ricordare quei dieci minuti di frenetico armeggiare sul sedile posteriore della macchina di un adolescente dopo la scuola. Alla nostra età, preferiamo le lenzuola in cotone egiziano, il soft jazz e il lusso dei preliminari. Non siamo solo più vecchi, ma anche molto più saggi.

Read Whole Story

Ne pétez pas pendant une IRM

France C’est La Vie

SANTÉ – Je partage cette anecdote aussi vraie que pathétique en témoignage de ma sympathie pour d’autres âmes damnées qui, comme moi, traversent et survivent à des épreuves extrêmement humiliantes.

Read Whole Story

Não peide ao fazer uma ressonância magnética

Brazil