Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Blended Families Can Survive the Holidays (without Calling the Cops)

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The holiday season is here! If you’re in a blended family, that fact could cause your eyes to twitch and your beleaguered intestines to threaten explosive diarrhea because you barely got over the stress from last year’s drama. But with coordinated logistics and bribes, combined families can learn how to survive without a food fight, bloodletting, or lawsuits. Just keep the wine and the children breathing.

Even with careful preparation, sometimes the best plans get burned along with the roast. It’s tempting to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house and then keep on going just to avoid all the trite platitudes and impossible expectations about the holidays. Forget Rockwell’s famous portrait because most grandmothers don’t wear white aprons after fixing a messy meal, and there’s a good chance that this year they’ll introduce their new boyfriends instead of picture-perfect platters of browned Butterballs. And Martha Stewart is not coming over, so forget the hand-painted placemats and pilgrim-shaped gelatin molds.

Blended families add chaos to the holidays, and designing a stress-free schedule requires maximum organizational skills, saintly tolerance, and nimble flexibility so plan now for the possible scenarios. You could be standing in the buffet line next to your ex-spouse, your stepson may demand to bring his mother and her new boyfriend to your home for brunch, or your son’s stepdaughters might want to stay at their father’s place because you don’t have cable television. You may accidentally call your son’s new girlfriend by his ex-wife’s name as you see someone’s boisterous toddler climbing onto the fireplace mantel.

It’s all fun and games until Grandma throws down her cane and demands to know who all the people are coming and going.

The best situations involve divorced parents who can cooperate and negotiate holiday schedules as they decide custody issues involving their children. We all know mean-spirited, immature parents who refuse to compromise, and that only hurts their children. These parents should receive nothing but coal in their stockings, and they should start saving money for their children’s future therapy sessions.

My husband and I each have two adult children from previous marriages. My daughter married a man who already had a daughter, and then they had two more daughters. My son married a woman with two girls, and they had another baby. My ex-husband lives in the area and is included in family birthdays and other events. Somehow it all works, and no one has threatened anyone with a weapon, so far.

Our family tree could be in danger of falling over because the branches are laden with sporadic offshoots, new in-laws, old stepparents, and assorted children who share multiple homes. But because of extra care, these roots are strong, and our tree can hold the chaotic collection of yours, mine, ours, various ex-spouses, and a few confused grandparents.

During the holiday season, we welcome everyone into the family, and for a splendid moment in time we’re all singing Fa La La before someone falls into the Christmas tree, a kid rips off the head of a cousin’s new Barbie, or the dog barfs in the kitchen.

There are 14 Christmas stockings hanging over the mantel, and we’ll need to build another one if any more members join the family. I’m uncomfortable with the label “step-grandchild” so I’ll just call all of them my grandkids. They don’t mind, and some of those lucky kids have four sets of doting grandparents. Score!

Here are four final suggestions for surviving the holidays with a blended family:

  • Have a sense of humor because it’s better to laugh at the commotion instead of breaking something.
  • Take plenty of photographs to identify everyone because Grandma is still baffled.
  • Assign responsibilities and anticipate problems when Uncle Bud gets drunk, the baby swallows a turkey leg, or Grandpa starts snoring during dinner.
  • Make time to appreciate the creative collection of characters in your unique family, believing that each one adds a definite spice. In the spirit of the holidays, choose to make it work.

Finally, reduce the stressful requirements and use prepared gravy mixes, boxed stuffing, and leftover Halloween napkins. If people object, they can host next year.

Why November 9 Matters

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Mary was a city council president, owns a small business, and prefers Cabernet. Amy worked for a corporation, owned a successful franchise business, and drinks Chardonnay. Mary is voting for Trump, and Amy is voting for Clinton. We are friends and will remain friends after the election on November 8.

When the dirty dust settles after this ugly political season, the biggest losers are those who destroyed friendships and fractured family relations over which candidate was the least horrible. The winners will be those who respected a process that is flawed but enduring, and those who can call their friends with opposite opinions and come together to celebrate that the national angst is over.

Mary, Amy, and I met recently for drinks and appetizers. We lamented the latest political crisis and then launched into a positive conversation about our children, our upcoming trips, and how the weather was impacting our seasonal allergies. Mary is anticipating a new grandchild in December, I just spent a week with my funny grandchildren, and Amy isn’t ready for grandkids but is perfecting her golf game. The most competitive fact about Mary and Amy is that their homes are immaculate and they take cleaning to a level beyond the sterile requirements for a nuclear laboratory. They know I have trouble stepping over piles of debris in my office and that my kitchen counters have growing mounds of clutter that include last year’s power bills. We love each other anyway.

We agreed that politics has turned social media into a cesspool of condemnation, criticism, and hostility. I recently posted a news article to Facebook that questioned the integrity and exposed the corruption of a candidate which prompted an assault of vile responses from both sides. Women were calling other women idiots, puppets, and uneducated morons. They were tagging names of women they didn’t know and chastising them for their ignorance. After the discussion dissolved into abortion and eternal damnation, I deleted the post and took a shower.

I knew that most of the women writing the scathing remarks would never talk that way if they had been together in person. I was confused about the total hostility directed at people they had never met and would never meet, and it was all for a candidate that only wanted their vote and nothing else. I have stated many times that neither candidate is worthy of my vote, so I can say and write anything I want. My position is liberating.

I’ll continue to participate in local and state elections so we can promote better candidates to lead our country. In my opinion, the lack of competent, ethical leadership has forced the country into class warfare, and we’re being duped to follow the Piped Piper with the sweetest music and the shiniest baubles. It will take strong effort by a committed population to crawl out of the current pig slop, but we can do it.

That’s where women such as Mary and Amy can play an important role. Find the common ground, work to promote the best community possible, and come together in person to share laughter and wine – even though some may prefer Cabernet and others want Chardonnay. Stop criticizing each other and find the truth that makes us humans on the same planet. We’re not getting out alive, so we might as well stop the bitching and start the bonding.

I want my grandchildren to appreciate and tolerate a variety of voices, and I want them to research the facts beyond the hype so they can intelligently form their own opinions. They can improve the future political process by communicating honestly about candidates and positions, and by studying the negative implications of electing the wrong person. It will be their turn to make it better. And, I want to show them that Mary, Amy, and I remain good friends.

That’s why November 9 matters.

 

 

 

 

 

Make Some Sweet Memories with Generation Jam

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Autumn always brings memories of my grandmother canning and preserving fruits and vegetables from her garden. She harvested the remaining summer produce and worked over boiling kettles in her kitchen until the peaches, pears, cucumber pickles, beets, tomato soup, and apple sauce were packed, sealed, labeled, and stocked in a mosaic array in the cool pantry. The food, along with bins of potatoes and onions and sacks of flour and sugar, would sustain the family through the winter. Protein came from chickens and other livestock on the farm. Living on an isolated farm in southern Idaho didn’t offer the luxury of a supermarket or freezers.

My mother often canned and froze food, and grape jelly was her specialty. She would process hundreds of little jars of jelly, often attaching little gingham covers that she cut with pinking shears. I still have some in the back of my pantry. I attempted to continue the tradition, but often failed. After 60 quarts of green beans didn’t seal and had to be throw out, I decided I’d rather spend one dollar at the store for a few cans of beans.

I do have one easy recipe I call Generation Jam. The main ingredients require at least two generations: one grandmother and one grandchild. Recently my daughter-in-law and her daughter came over for the jam party, and the three of us finished 44 jars of frozen Generation Jam with strawberries and basil in less than two hours. The recipe is as follows:

Strawberry Basil Freezer Generation Jam

Makes 44 4-oz Jars

(Fresh basil makes this jam extra-tasty on toast or ice cream.)

Prep work:

Wash jars and lids, wash and hull four quarts of fresh strawberries. To easily remove stem and core, insert straw and push through the berry. Wash fresh basil, make labels on your computer. (I made labels with my granddaughter’s name. The jars make perfect gifts for teachers and friends.)

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Ingredients:

At least two family members from different generations
8 cups mashed, hulled strawberries
2 cups white sugar (We always use a bit less.)
8 tablespoons pectin
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh basil

Instructions:

One granddaughter mashes strawberries in a large bowl. I didn’t have a potato masher so we used a raw hamburger mixer. A food processor works well, too, but isn’t as fun.

One mother needs to warm sugar and pectin in a saucepan until sugar dissolves, according to instructions on the pectin package. You also can use instant pectin and eliminate the heating process.

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One grandmother chops the basil.

Granddaughter scrambles strawberries, sugar/pectin mixture, and basil together. The mixture needs to stand for about three minutes. That allows time to munch on leftover berries.

An adult ladles the jam into the jars. (Plastic tubs with lids can be used, too.)

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Granddaughter attaches labels.

Let the containers stand at least 8 hours. Freeze most and keep one or two in the refrigerator for consuming within two weeks.

Create memories.

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Where to Find Midlife Happy Hour

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If you’re looking to purchase and read Midlife Happy Hour by #1 bestselling author Elaine Ambrose, first try a local bookstore such as Rediscovered Books in Boise, Idaho. If independent bookstores don’t have the book in stock, they can order it through various distributors. You also can check your local library.

If you want to order online, the book is available on Amazon.com in both paperback and e-Book versions and through Barnes & Noble in both paperback and e-Book. Other sources for e-Book editions include ITunes and Google Play.

Midlife Happy Hour – Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos is a kiss-my-attitude collection of humorous essays that encourage midlife women to celebrate a time of life when they can boldly declare that they’re still relevant, resilient, and ready for another round. The book is the sequel to the #1 bestselling book, Midlife Cabernet.

Announcing Normal Chromosome Awareness Month

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Photo by www.Shadylanestudios.com
Photo by www.Shadylanestudios.com

October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month, but instead of being more aware of those who have one extra chromosome, let’s imagine if those with Down syndrome considered the perceived handicap of those with no chromosome genetic issues. The conversation between children named Marcus and Sally might be interesting.

“Hey, Marcus. Did you know that Down syndrome occurs in one out of every 691 births? There are more than 400,000 of us in the United States, but that means millions of people don’t have the syndrome? How can we help them?”

“Well, Sally, I hope they’re not too sad about their affliction. I know that having Down syndrome makes me more empathetic to others, and I’m generally a happier person. Sometimes it’s frustrating because I’m slower than they are, but maybe they’re too fast. And, I can’t learn as much as they do, but I still know a lot of things. And, I don’t look the same as they do, but I’m still cute.”

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“I’ll try and be more understanding of people without Down syndrome,” Marcus said. “Maybe we should spend some time with them and get to know them.”

“I’d love that,” Sally said. “I’ve always wanted to know how they learned to walk and talk so easily. I really struggled with those abilities. I’ll ask them how they did it.”

Marcus and Sally hugged, giggled, and then sneaked into the kitchen for a snack. While munching on some raisins and apples, they continued their analysis.

“I have an idea! Let’s organize a Normal Chromosome Awareness Month,” Sally says. “We can try and understand why many of them are so worried and busy. They’re always running around without taking any time to laugh at a dancing goat or sing a song out loud or hug someone until they gasp.”

“That’s a great suggestion,” said Marcus. “The world needs to be educated why most people with normal chromosomes are so tall they don’t see us at all, or they act irritated if we’re around. Maybe that missing chromosome contained some ability to be gentle. It’s too bad they don’t have it.”

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Marcus and Sally finished their snacks and scrambled into the yard to play. After a few minutes, they sat in the shade and continued their conversation.

“Maybe we should ask why they work so hard at jobs they don’t like,” Marcus said. “I know many people with Down syndrome who are excited to learn how to work and have developed skills that make them productive. People with Downs syndrome used to be placed in institutions, but now we can be positive members of society. We can learn to read and write, just like other kids. We have a lot to teach those who are limited with normal chromosomes.”

“I’ll organize a walk so we can show the public how to recognize people with normal chromosomes,” Sally said. “We’ll end with a picnic in the park and play together, free from labels and discrimination.”

“Let’s do it,” said Marcus. “Let’s schedule it for Election Day. I’ve heard that most of the people with normal chromosomes are angry about politics, and half of them will be mad because of who wins the race.”

“Oh, that’s so silly!” Sally said. “Yes, they need our help. Let’s plan an event, and everyone will be encouraged to be happy.”

Sally and Marcus made a pinky promise to create the awareness month. Millions of people were depending upon them.

(Note: For information about the Treasure Valley Down Syndrome Association and the upcoming Buddy Walk, research click here.)

My personal Joy Adviser.
My personal Joy Adviser.

 

 

Midlife Happy Hour will Premiere at Regional PNBA Show

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Midlife Happy Hour – Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos ranked #54 in pre-sold editions on Amazon.com out of thousands of books in the mid-life category. The book, a sequel to the award-winning, bestselling Midlife Cabernet, will be officially released on October 4, 2016. Pre-orders can be made now to insure first delivery from Amazon. The book also will be available in local stores, including Rediscovered Books in Boise, online, and through national bookstores.

Officials from the Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association invited me to speak and premiere the new book at the tradeshow in Tacoma, Washington on Thursday, September 29. I’m leaving Thursday and promise not to embarrass the state or my family. On Friday, September 30, I’ll be speaking on an author/small publisher panel with Boise author AK Turner, Rediscovered Books owner Bruce DeLaney, and realtor/author Mike Turner, all from Boise. We’ll discuss methods of establishing positive relationships between writers, small publishers, bookstores, and the community.

The Boise area premiere party will be October 13 at Telaya Winery. A special edition red wine will be introduced using the cover of the book as the label on the bottle. The public is invited to attend and share laughter and libations.

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Product Details

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Here are the chapter titles for Midlife Happy Hour:

  1. Early Signs I Wasn’t Eligible for Sainthood
  2. The Great TV Blooper of Southern Idaho
  3. What if Arts Patrons Acted Like Sports Fans?
  4. The World Can Kiss Our Attitude
  5. Stay Relevant and Thirsty, My Friend
  6. Why Your Children Are Cute but Should Move Out
  7. My Feminine Mystique Sprung a Leak
  8. Reinventing the Wheel of Fortune
  9. Validation on a Volcano
  10. Mom, I Joined the Army
  11. Balancing Midlife Without Falling Over
  12. Blog Your Way to Fame and Shame
  13. My Fish Won’t Hump Your Leg
  14. Still Laughing in the Empty Nest
  15. Midlife Crisis of Confidence
  16. Coloring Outside the Lines
  17. The Joy of Traveling with (Grown) Children
  18. Tell Enchanting Stories to the Grandkids
  19. My Views from Behind the Podium
  20. What to Wear if You Must Get Dressed
  21. The Suffragist Ghosts of Susan and Alice
  22. Why Caregivers Drink
  23. How to Plan a Funeral
  24. Happy Hour, At Last!

Midlife Happy Hour is available at bookstores, including Rediscovered Books in Boise and Barnes & Noble. Find it online at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble. E-Book versions are available at Kindle, Nook, IBooks, and Google Play. An audio book will be released soon.