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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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A Woman Asked Me for Food

April 13, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

beg food

I’m haunted by an experience this morning outside the grocery store. In a hurry to move the purchased food from my cart into my car, I didn’t notice the middle-age woman until she walked over and stood beside me, close enough to touch me.

“I want food,” she said in broken English, barely in a whisper.

I was startled that she stood so close, and I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly.

“Pardon me?” I asked.

She wore a cultural dress and head covering, but didn’t make eye contact. Immediately I felt compassion for her. Then I saw him. A man stood a few cars away in the shadow of some trees. He was watching us. He was dressed in a white tunic and appeared healthy and able-bodied. I admit that I instantly profiled him, and compassion changed to caution. I looked around but didn’t see any security, only several women alone loading groceries into their cars.

I could have handed her the chicken, soup, bread, and cheese I had purchased. But I didn’t. Because of the man.

I said, “I’m sorry.” Then I locked the car, returned the cart to the store, and reported the incident to the customer service staff. By the time I returned to my car, the couple was gone.

Since then, my mind has been whirling with questions. Were they really hungry? Was she on an assignment? Would he punish her for not getting food from me? Did other women freely give some of their food and not think twice? Did I read and watch too much news?

grocery card full

Being approached in a parking lot in quiet southern Idaho was a new experience for me. Law enforcement officials remind citizens not to give to people who ask for money because there are shelters and social service programs that can help those in need. I donate to charities, but only to established organizations such as the local Food Bank, Dress for Success, the Women’s and Children’s Alliance, and the Cabin Literary Center.

Last year, I donated $2,000 to the Wassmuth Center for Human Rights so 200 local school children could see the documentary “He Named Me Malala” about Malala Yousafzai, a 15-year-old school girl in Pakistan who advocated for education for girls. Terrorists attempted to kill her for her beliefs but she survived a gunshot to the head and now leads a global campaign for girls’ education as co-founder of the Malala Fund. For her brave advocacy, she received the Nobel Peace Prize at age 17.

malala donation

The film was produced by acclaimed documentary filmmaker Davis Guggenheim, and I attended a premiere showing in New York last July. The film captures the strength and resilience of one girl who is destined to improve opportunities for girls and women. In other parts of the world, girls are being murdered, tortured, and poisoned just for going to school, and I agree with Malala that it’s time we placed a priority on education for girls. Education is freedom.

Still, I’m haunted by the image this morning of the meek woman asking for food. As a Christian, I wonder what would Jesus do? As an advocate for female education, I ask what would Malala do? I’m sure both would offer groceries, take her by the hand, and show her the way to freedom. Then she could choose to feed herself or go back to the stern figure lurking in the shadows.

The next time a woman asks for groceries, I’ll be better prepared to share mine without question or judgement. But, I believe this woman hungered for much more than I had in the cart.

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog

The Sweet Memory of Rocking Babies

April 11, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

emily one week

Science says the emotion of love comes from a chemical reaction in the brain. I think love spontaneously erupts from our heart when we rock our babies or laugh with our lover. The feeling is more powerful than any other, and I’d like to order some more, in great quantities. I need to stock the pantry.

My first experience with unconditional love came one week after my daughter was born. I have a favorite photograph of me rocking her. The bruises on her head still are visible from the grip of forceps. After 22 hours in labor, the doctor actually anchored his foot on the bed and pulled her from my body. At almost 10 pounds, she was too big to be born without the instrument. She had a fetal monitor in her head and I was trapped underneath an oxygen mask. The nurse rushed her to the neonatal intensive care unit and her Apgar score was an alarming 3. I didn’t get to see or hold her for eight hours.

The attending pediatrician informed me there could be brain damage because of the rough delivery. I remember closing my eyes and begging, praying for help to meet the unknown challenges. A week later, when the photograph was taken, I was completely at peace and in love with my baby.

There wasn’t any brain damage, and now she is a happy, energetic young adult with an adoring family. I’ve watched her as she rocks her own children. She, too, knows the power of unconditional love.

Now that my empty nest is filled with other priorities and distractions, I have time to reflect on what matters. If I could go back and choose favorite times in my life, they would include rocking my sweet babies. As a young mother, I didn’t know what the future would bring, but I was fulfilled and grateful for the warm weight of my child upon my chest.

One more time of rocking them and singing soft lullabies; that’s all I would want. How can I order such a day?

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #midlife, babies, motherhood, rocking

How to Turn Your Blog into a Book

April 11, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

BAM speaker badge

TURN YOUR BLOG INTO A BOOK – Summary of Power Point Presentation

BY ELAINE AMBROSE

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop – March 30 -April 2, 2016

BAM – BLOGGERS AT MIDLIFE CONFERENCE – April 15-16, 2016 – Las Vegas, Nevada

erma bombeck banner

Decide How to Publish

  • Find a traditional agent and major publisher – no control, takes more time, no rights, few copies – Menopause Sucks
  • Hire a book packaging company – expensive, negotiate rights, they distribute
  • Self-Publish through your own company – total control, cost up front but keep all profits. Arrange professional design, cover, menopause sucks coverand format. Do sales and promotion. Midlife CabernetMidlife-Cabernet-Cover-Best

Create Publishing Company

MPP logo

  • Name – Mill Park Publishing, not Momma’s Little Pub House
  • Decide Your Name – Some of us have had more than one due to the fact that we write better than we marry.
  • Find a Niche –Written by Women, a portion of proceeds goes to charities
  • Complete paperwork and register in your state as a business
  • Purchase ISBN in bulk, learn Bar Codes and Copyright
  • Resources: research, workshops, marketing, promotion,
  • Budget for your time, professional design and layout, editing, printing, distribution, materials such as bookmarks
  • Study inside Publisher’s Page of other books
  • Keep Records – taxes, profit and loss, track and measure success

What will it cost?  

  • Start with $3,000 – doesn’t include printing or distribution
  • Your time?
  • Professional cover: $500
  • Professional editing – $500, at least once
  • Marketing and Promotion – at least $1,000
  • Professional layout – print and eBook – $500-$1,000
  • Depends upon number of pages
  • Depends upon difficulty – artwork, charts, interior graphics

Self-Publishing Research Tools

  • Copyscape checks for plagiarism
  • Writers&Artists – Resource for writing, facing rejection, helpful tips
  • Grammar Girl – Non-threatening rules for punctuation and grammar
  • Evernote – Syncs your devices and organizes your documents
  • com and RhymeZone
  • Poets&Writers – writing prompts, resources, submission details
  • NaNoWriMo – write a 50,000-word novel in a month
  • http://www.ingramspark.com/blog

Publisher’s Details can Separate Professionals from Amateurs

  • Title Page –Title, subtitle, author, publisher’s name and logo, year, location
  • Copyright Page –All rights reserved, etc., year published, ISBN, Library of Congress, if necessary – see samples
  • Spine –What is seen on bookstore shelves – clean – title and author name
  • Running Heads – Identify each page, except title page
  • Page Numbers – Make sure pages match Table of Contents

Know how to Format Chapters

  • A typical chapter is at least 2,000 words
  • A book needs at least 40,000 words
  • A typical blog is 500-800 words
  • Read each blog and select the best
  • Decide the chapters of your book
  • Add selected blogs into specific chapters

 

  • Midlife Cabernet: By the Numbers
  • 50% blog posts from elaineambrose.com – and other sites including The Huffington Post
  • 50% new material
  • 57,714 words, 216 pages, 267 words per page
  • Sold more than 6,000 books and eBooks
  • Two National Humor Awards and Publishers Weekly endorsement

Feisty after 45 Front Cover FINAL

  • Feisty after 45: By the Numbers
  • 45 women writers from across the country and Canada
  • Increased authors from 25 to 45 to fill enough pages for a book
  • 40,144 words, 166 pages,
  • 241 words a page
  • #1 in Humor in Midlife on Amazon.com

PLOT YOUR BOOK THROUGH A BLOG

  • Outline your book and plot content
  • Start writing the book as separate blog posts
  • Results in first draft of Manuscript
  • Already promoted through your regular blogs
  • Package, edit, and publish

BLOG PHARASES THAT DON’T WORK IN BOOKS

  • OMG
  • Excessive profanity
  • Avoid time: Yesterday, I went to the wine bar Woe is me! (Be happy you wrote a book!)
  • Ending with a question: What works for you?
  • Impossible requests: Call me sometime

BOOK COVERS: Yes, You Can Judge

bad book cover 3

  • bad book cover 4
  • bad book cover 2
  • bad book cover 1Visually attractive in color, design, short title
  • Add blurb with credentials
  • Back cover copy is life or death
  • Visible in thumbnail copy on Amazon
  • Eye-catching in a sea of contenders
  • Provocative
  • Hire professional designers, illustrators, or galleries for your covers

cover drinking with dead women

Angel-cover-front-back_JUNE_A

Prepare Promotional Materials and Establish Your Brand

Elaine-Logo-4 elaine blog winner ad jpeg

 

Organize Premiere Parties and Community Events

Feisty JUMP FINAL FINAL
LifeSucksLaughHard_2015

 

 

Track Rankings: Feisty after 45 Hit #1 in Print and eBook

Feisty ranked Feisty #1 and #2 on amazon

Track Success

Books from Mill Park Publishing have won 15 awards in the past four years.
Books from Mill Park Publishing have won 15 awards in the past four years.

 

PUBLICATION FORMATS

CreateSpace

  • Amazon paperback and Kindle eBook – submit files – order proof

– proofread – proofread, again

  • They show records and analytics, pay quarterly
  • Print-on-Demand is easy to update, distribute – no storage
  • Enroll eBook in other platforms: KOBO, iBooks, Google Play
  • Print layout and format are different from eBook
  • Start on next book
  • Hire an assistant – Finger Puppet, if necessary – Have fun!

speaker puppets twin falls

Filed Under: blog

Premiere Party for “Feisty after 45” is April 22

April 8, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

We have two ads for our premiere party:Feisty JUMP FINAL FINALfeisty ad eagle informer jpeg

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #midlife, #Mill Park Publishing, anthology, authors, Feisty after 45, JUMP

Real Coffee for Strong People

March 31, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

coffee

One of the many advantages of being older and having grown children is that mornings can begin at 9:00 am. There is no need to get the little buggers out of bed, dressed, fed, and to school before you go to work. All that crap happened twenty years ago when you were young and energetic and actually cared if their sack lunches contained edible food. Now you can sit around in jammies, read the paper, and drink coffee until noon. It’s a wonderful life.

However, I’m worried about several friends who have taken their old age freedom and turned into coffee snobs. They demand only the freshest beans harvested under a full moon from secret mountain forests and flown in on fairy wings. They have contraptions that measure, grind, and arrange the beans in symmetrical patterns while pure glacier water is infused through organic filters woven by chanting honey bees. These friends go to great lengths to prepare, sip, and sigh over their coffee. I think that’s silly.

I recently needed to be at the airport at the criminal hour of 5:00 am for a flight to a conference. I stumbled to the coffee bar and waited in line as a crowd of zombie passengers placed their orders: iced smoked butterscotch latte, caramelized honey Frappuccino, or espresso con panna. I thought they were naming the characters in a foreign porn film.

“I’ll have a coffee, black,” I said.

The barista froze over her register.

“Just plain coffee?” she asked in a mocking tone that blatantly pronounced me as an uneducated, unclean heathen.

“Just plain coffee,” I repeated, careful to slowly pronounce each syllable.

“Well, we’re having a special today on a dark chocolate melted truffle mocha!” she chirped. “You should try it!”

“I want a cup of coffee,” I repeated. “I’m not paying $7.00 for flavored chemicals in hot water.”

She dumped some coffee into a paper cup, smashed on a lid, and shoved it across the counter. I smiled weakly, paid, and turned to find my seat in the mass of caffeine-loving passengers drinking their flavored concoctions. In my pre-dawn stupor, I wondered how society changed from busy people wanting strong, black coffee to delicate flowers requesting expensive, foo-foo drinks with cardboard cuffs so fingers wouldn’t get too hot.

We need to reclaim authentic brew for real people, and I suggest a global fight for our right to drink black coffee. I refuse to order a macchiato, even though I like the sound of the word. Seriously, would you date a man who ordered a flat white espresso with a thin layer of foam on the top in a demitasse cup hand-crafted by elusive Peruvian peasants? No, give me a campfire scene where cowboys are passing a dented tin pitcher of brew strong enough to make ears bleed and hearts palpitate. That’s coffee. I’ll take a cup.

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #humor, #midlife, brew, coffee

Fringe Fashion Failure

March 28, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

 

fringe dress 2

 

I felt feisty, fun, and a fabulously festive in my new dress festooned with fluttering fringe. The long strands covered body parts that needed to be hidden after years of neglect, gravity, and buttered scones, but the swaying material allowed gratuitous glimpses of legs that once rivaled the gams in pinup posters hung in greasy automotive shops across the country. I was one hot grandmother.

I loved my new outfit and eagerly prepared for a night at an elegant soiree. The first trial came when I attempted to pull on a coat to keep me warm against the winter chill. As I wiggled into my wrap, the fringe on the sleeves of the dress snagged, bunched, and clumped until I resembled an irritated pig wrapped in twine. Stray strands knotted around my neck and hiked the back of the dress over my butt. This was not a pretty vision, and I began to feel less glamorous.

After waddling to the car, I proceeded to the party where I encountered more challenges and calamities. Removing the coat revealed a tangled mass of disheveled strands that seemed to be embroiled in a fight-to-the-death fringe battle. I clawed at the material in a desperate attempt to untangle the hairball that was consuming my outfit. Once adjusted, I walked slowly through the venue so I wouldn’t disrupt the delicate free flow of the garment. Static cling became the new enemy. At any given moment, a rogue fringe would leap out and adhere to the pants of a tall handsome stranger. At least my dress had good taste.

fringe dress

The evening progressed nicely, and I enjoyed gushing compliments about my attire. I assumed the worst was behind me and celebrated with several glasses of fine Cabernet. After a few hours, the wine needed to exit the body, so I sashayed to the restroom. This call of nature became a cry of the wild.

I proceeded to gather the fringe in a ball around my waist so I could sit and assume the position. It became apparent that wasn’t any chance to control what seemed like a million independent and defiant strands, and the wine didn’t help my concentration. By the time I finished my duty, I realized there was one more dilemma. One hand was needed to secure and employ the necessary toilet paper.

I shifted the wad of fringe to one side and attempted to secure it with one hand while I fumbled for the paper. The effort was futile. After achieving contortions only accomplished by professional gymnasts in the circus, I managed to drop the paper on the floor and the fringe fell into the toilet. I momentarily lost my mind.

Not one to give up easily, I grabbed more paper, finished the flush, and jumped off the comedy commode. Liquid dripped onto the floor from wet stripes of sorry, violated fringe so I grabbed sections to squeeze the excess moisture. Soon my hands, my dress, and the entire bathroom reeked of toilet water. I washed and dried my hands, took a deep breath, and joined the party, dripping all the way, leaving a raked pattern of fringe droppings on the carpet.

Reluctant to sit down, I faked my way through the evening and was hesitant to consume too much more wine or water in case there were security cameras around the bathroom and I was prohibited from entering. When it was time to leave, I wrapped my coat around my shoulders so I wouldn’t need to repeat the torment of the sleeves.

At home, I removed the dress, buried it in the dry cleaning bag, jumped into my dowdy but fringe-free jammies, poured a glass of wine, and relaxed in comfort. I may donate the dress to charity and allow someone else to enjoy its charms. But, for a brief moment in time, I felt festive and fashionable and those sweet memories will last long after the humiliation is gone. As for future fashion choices, I’ll avoid the fringe element of society.

 

(Featured on The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop blog March 27, 2016.  http://humorwriters.org/2016/03/27/fringe-fashion-failure/)

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #fashion, #humiliation, #humor, #midlife, fringe

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