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20 Ways to Legally Evict Your House Guests

May 21, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

(Published on The Huffington Post, May 21, 2015)

One of the big advantages of getting older is that your children eventually grow up and move away. For some reason, when my kids turned 18 they ran out of the house as fast as they could, kissed the ground, and mumbled something about “Free at last!” But after lengthy therapy sessions they now visit occasionally, and that’s is a good thing. They even let me watch their kids, after I pass a 50-point checklist and agree to security cameras and breathalyzer tests.

After they left, I turned one of their rooms into the guest room. That means I have a place to dry laundry on the bed, cram bags of unread mail into the closet, and ignore the cobwebs that loop from lamp to window like delicate lace décor.

I’m thrown into a panic when I know guests will spend the night. I gather clutter into garbage bags and toss them into the garage where they languish for months. I frantically dust and am amazed at the true color of the furniture. Once I used a vacuum hose to capture the cobwebs, but I accidentally sucked up the curtains and broke the rod. Now I just wave a towel around and hope to catch the webs before the evil spider seeks revenge and jumps up my nose. I hate spiders in my nose.

I enjoy sharing time and space with friends, but there is an important rule when having houseguests: Don’t make it too comfortable. If you include little dishes of individual, scented soaps, a collection of salacious books, and a small refrigerator stocked with wine and cheese, expect them to set up residence and never leave. You’ll have a problem when they forward their mail to your house. That’s a bad thing.

Grandma Clell, my paternal grandmother, always opened her home to weary travelers, visiting relatives, and runaway granddaughters. Though quite the hostess, she had rules that no one should stay longer than necessary. I have improvised some of those rules for myself when I have houseguests who don’t want to leave:

1. Take them to the airport early. Preferably two days before their flight.
2. Cook naked.
3. Have cockroach traps on the dining table.
4. Hide a condom in their bed.
5. Stock the guest bathroom with one Hello Kitty towel and four sheets of toilet paper.
6. Loudly play polka music featuring the Six Fat Dutchmen.
7. Serve burned toast and one sausage — for dinner.
8. Host a meeting of your Toenail Biters Support Group.
9. Close your bedroom door and continually play the fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally.
10. Answer your cell phone, scream “Oh no!” run out of the house, and get a hotel room.
11. Buy several pairs of the biggest size of men’s underwear you can find — and leave them drying on the couch.
12. Show movies of your colonoscopy.
13. Experience bouts of uncontrollable flatulence.
14. Have the TV channel stuck on FOX News.
15. Remind them that you’ll need to search their suitcase for the missing silverware.
16. Stare at them for a long time and ask them to repeat their name because you just can’t remember it.
17. Throw utility bills on the counter and cry into a towel.
18. Clip your toenails during breakfast.
19. Sing and dance in your underwear to “Uptown Funk.”
20. Buy a pet goat and let it run through the house. What do you have to lose?

If all these suggestions don’t work, you may need to take drastic measures and move away. That worked for my kids.

In Defense of Grocery Store Cashiers

May 19, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

I chat with cashiers, visit with bank tellers, and linger at the Farmer’s Market to talk with the friendly folks who barter their goods for my cash. For me, the exchange of serious business is better with real human interaction.

Growing up in a small town, I knew every checker and cashier at the local businesses. We would greet each other as long-time friends, discuss the pending potato crops, shake our heads and mutter about the civic elections, wonder about Widow Gibb’s bursitis, and compliment babies, hair-dos, and outfits. We knew each other’s families, the good and the bad, and liked each other anyway.

Then I moved to the city. The stores were bigger, the lines were longer, and no one cared that my baby was the cutest one ever to sit in a grocery cart. I still attempted to visit, but with mixed results. In big business, time is money, so there was limited conversation as customers moved through the lines. The bananas were fresher, the selection of meats was more abundant, but the experience was sterile.

Several years ago, my neighborhood grocery store installed two rows of self-service check-out registers. This technology eliminated the need to wait in line and was convenient for customers buying a few items. I fumbled several times to find the bar code, scan the item, and place it in the appropriate bag before somehow causing the machine to break and stop working. A dutiful employee would saunter over, insert her magic code, and the machine would work again. There was no verbal communication.

Yesterday I returned to the store and discovered all the self-service registers had been removed. I talked with the cashier as she rang up my groceries and explained the situation. She said there were several reasons for the return to cashiers.

“We added three jobs for cashiers,” she said. “And the store reduced theft. The cameras revealed that too many people were taking items they didn’t pay for and slipping them into the bags. Also, our customers missed talking with cashiers.”

We chatted as she rang up my groceries and a delightful young woman with special needs placed the bags into my cart. The checker noted my selection of chicken, fresh mozzarella, green peppers, onions, and garlic.

“Looks like you’re making a special meal,” she said.

I explained I was creating my favorite chicken parmesan dinner for some guests. She nodded with approval, handed me the receipt, and said to have a nice day. The automated machines never cared about the groceries I bought or the meals I would prepare. I exchanged smiles with the cashier and bag girl, and in less than a minute we all felt better.

I’ll return to that store to purchase most of my groceries. I have friends there.

The First Motherless Mother’s Day

May 6, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

(Published on The Huffington Post – May 4, 2015)

The first year of holidays without her is the hardest. I deliberately walk past the festive displays of Mother’s Day cards and ignore the advertisements for flowers, and I’ve tuned out the hype and the obligatory admonishments to do something, anything, for Mother. Because she died.

Experience taught me that time erases the sadness. Sometimes I forget my father’s birthday. He passed away 26 years ago, and now I don’t remember the sound of his voice. On Father’s Day, I send cards to my son and son-in-law and give a small present to my husband, and I’m grateful for my honored role as mother and grandmother. Now I have the new title of matriarch.

The cycle of life isn’t new; babies are born and people die. I accept that. But, I don’t know why some people suffer so much and others get to die peacefully in their sleep. Both my parents spent their last years in physical and mental pain, and I couldn’t do anything to ease their transition. Because of the visions of my parents lying ashen and twisted in their beds, when I’m too feeble to live with dignity, I intend to have a grand party before I exit this life and explore what is beyond.

After a parent dies, there are the usual regrets from those still living. I should have visited Mom more often. Every time I got up to leave, she would clutch my hand and beg me to stay. I should have played her favorite music, opened her scrapbooks and patiently listened as she attempted to say words she couldn’t remember. I should have combed her hair again and brought her costume jewelry. I should have stayed longer.

The guilt consumes me every time I drive past her former assisted living facility. She lived in three rooms, progressing from resident to assisted living to terminal. Instead of a child passing onward to higher grades in school, she was going backwards with every physical and mental collapse. I used to cry in my car before and after every visit. I should have stayed longer.

I saved a wreath from her funeral. The flowers are dried and brittle, but I’ll take it to her grave on Mother’s Day. I’ll return again a week later on her birthday. I won’t forget the date. It’s May 20.

Mother’s Day Gift Suggestions from Local Companies

May 6, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

It’s not too late to buy your mom a unique gift for Mother’s Day. If you live in the Treasure Valley, here are five local businesses that you should visit. Four are owned by women, and all the local business have websites that provide details about location, hours of operations, products, services, and shipping information.

I talked about these companies May 6 on KIVI Channel 6 television morning show.

Camille Beckman

175 South Rosebud Lane

Eagle, Idaho

www.camillebeckman.com

Founded in 1986 by Camille Beckman from Weiser, Idaho

Headquartered in Eagle

Products in 8,000 locally-owned stores

Made is USA – No animal testing – Gluten-free

Gift Shop and Tours

Opening a Special Events Center this Summer

Warehouse Sale – May 16-17 – Proceeds to Charity

____________________________________________________________________

Olive and Yvne

600 S. Rivershore Lane

Eagle, Idaho

www.oliveandvyne.com

Tasting Room with 26 Varieties to Sample

Aged and Infused Balsamic Vinegars

Infused Olive Oils

Gift Shop and Custom Gift Baskets

Pairing Parties and Special Events

First Wednesday Patio Party

Gluten-free, Organically Certified, Non-GMO Products

_____________________________________________________________________

H & M Meats and Catering

209 11^th Ave. N.

Nampa, Idaho

www.hmmeats.com

Old Fashioned BBQ Catering with 25 Years Experience

Specialty Cut Meats

Specializing in Luau Pigs, Chicken & Ribs

Seasoned Beef Tenderloin

Will Plan Menu, Cook the Food, Deliver, and Clean Up!

Menus and Photos on Website

_______________________________________________________________________

Balance Family Fitness

1247 E. Fairview

Meridian, Idaho

www.balancefamilyfitness.com

Classes for Ages 3 – 70

HIIT-Format Workouts

Events: Mother’s Day 5K Run

Benefits Women and Children’s Alliance

Personal Training for Women

Small Group Fitness Classes

Holistic Wellness

Wellness Retreats

_______________________________________________________________

Mill Park Publishing

Eagle, Idaho

www.millparkpublishing.com

Publishes Books Written by Local Women

Books have Won 14 Awards in Three Years

A Portion of Proceeds are Donated to Charity

“Write by the River” Writing Retreats

Sponsor of Idaho Writers Guild Writers Conference

Comedy Show – May 15 in Boise

Five Reasons to Stop Whining about your Age

April 23, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

My friend is moaning and groaning about turning 50. I finally got tired of her complaints and told her to pull up her control-top, big-girl panties, eat cookies, and get over it. When she continued to bemoan the fact that her gumption had no function, I asked if she would prefer to drop dead at age 49. She slumped away under a self-imposed cloud of doom.

Another friend sniveled, through dramatic tears, that she was so insignificant she could stand naked in the middle of town with her hair on fire while dollar bills flew out of her saggy butt and no one would notice. For her, age 50 was a dark symbol of declining physical and mental deterioration. I assured her I would notice the free money.

“That’s aging,” I said. “Embrace the glory, and pass the cake.”

That may seem harsh, but many of us seasoned women are weary of some women’s wretched wailing about getting older. Let’s evaluate the options so we can stop the pity party and get on with a raucous celebration of life.

Reality: You’re Older. Your skin will wrinkle like a pricked balloon, boobs will drop to your waist, dot-to-dot spots will appear on your arms, hair will turn thin and gray, and you’ll wave at someone and your arm will continue to flap for five minutes. Your volatile intestines will keep you guessing if you’ll be constipated for a week or running to the bathroom every hour, and you’ll exercise regularly just to maintain the weight you don’t like. You’ll endure hot flashes, mood swings, and hairy toes and forget your keys while caring for aging parents and rambunctious grandkids.

But wait, there’s more! Here are other fun facts to anticipate: You won’t have enough energy to open your iron pill bottle, your family will count how many glasses of wine you guzzle at dinner, and they’ll mutter about your problem. Meanwhile, you’re bombarded with advertisements that scream at you to buy anti-aging products even though you’re older than some trees in the forest. Older women are the fodder for jokes about menopause, mothers-in-law, and incontinence, while crotchety, older men are revered as distinguished and successful. Get used to it.

Reality: You Can Choose to be Liberated. Consider the advantages of aging past 50. The kids are grown and moving away, so you’ll have less laundry, meal expense and preparation, and no more frantic nights waiting up for them to come home. You won’t need to purchase feminine products after your period stops. You’ll play with your delightful grandchildren and send them home. You’ll have more time to pursue hobbies and/or your lover, volunteer, travel, or read books. The hair on your legs gets lighter so you don’t need to shave every day. And, you have the power to throw away all the silly “Over the Hill” birthday cards and party favors. Being over the hill means you get to tumble down, laughing all the way.

Here are five reasons to stop whining about your age:

There is nothing you can do about it. If you were born during or before 1965, you’re approaching or over 50. That’s how it works, and there are no exceptions. Unless you die.
There always will be others younger and older. If you’re not the world’s oldest living person, you will know people of all ages. Share your stories, and encourage each other on your journeys. I’ve gleaned great facts from toddlers and old folks.
You’re a living resource manual. You existed before the inventions of cell phones, personal computers, microwaves, social media, instant rice, and tampons. The younger generations can learn a lot from you.
Others died too young. I read obituaries and have noticed that many of them describe people younger than I am. You and I got to wake up today. That’s a positive affirmation that we get another chance to save the world.
Youth is overrated. Really, would you go back to your twenties or thirties? I’d love to look like I did but I don’t want to relive the challenges, heartache, worries, and exhaustion of those years. I’ll stick with being feisty over fifty.

I’m sending this message to my friend for her 50^th birthday. I hope she embraces the positive message I’m trying to convey. If she continues to stay home and mope, I’ll go to the party without her and send her a souvenir.

Writing and Wellness Retreat Inspires Women

April 23, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

Mill Park Publishing of Eagle has sponsored “Write by the River” writing retreats since 2008, and the quarterly events are scheduled in two deluxe cabins near the mountain town of Garden Valley, Idaho. Previous faculty for the retreats includes Pulitzer Prize Winner Anthony Doerr, Whiting Award Winner Alan Heathcock, and New York Times bestselling authors AK Turner and Jennifer Basye Sander.

In 2015, a women-only option was added to include a focus on wellness in addition to writing. The weekend is organized and hosted by Elaine Ambrose, Mill Park Publishing owner and author, and Emily Nielsen, a wellness coach and owner of Balance Family Fitness. Activities include healthy meals, gentle yoga, writing workshops set to music, fireside chats, and free time to write or explore. Attendees have arrived from four states, and the retreats usually are sold out.

The next Women’s Wellness and Writing Retreat is May1-3, and details are on the website at http://womenswellnesswritingretreat.eventbrite.com/?s=32519943. The costs begin at $250 for two night’s lodging, all meals, healthy snacks, speakers, writing materials, and individual coaching. The Saturday-only option is available for $100.

Mill Park Publishing produces books written by women. The books have won 14 prestigious awards, including a Silver Medal and a Bronze Medal from the Independent Publisher Book Awards program. The company has produced 26 published authors, and two more books are in production. Mill Park Publishing donates a portion of books sales to various local charities, including Treasure Valley Dress for Success, the Cabin Writers in the School Program, and the Women’s and Children’s Alliance.

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