Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist
In this excerpt from the audiobook of my memoir Frozen Dinners,my emotions cause my voice to falter when I’m reading about my mother. I tell the sound engineer I’m imagining a clown falling out of a clown car so I can regain my composure, start over with the paragraph, and finish the chapter.
The audiobook will be released September 10. Support your local bookstore and order through:
https://libro.fm/audiobooks/9781515933793-frozen-dinners
To order through Amazon, click here:
My publisher Brown Books Publishing sold the audio rights to my memoir Frozen Dinners. I’m excited to travel to Mosaic Audio, a professional VIP recording studio near Los Angeles, for a week to read the 55,000-word manuscript. However, I can’t make it through Chapter 11 without crying. Here are the first two paragraphs of that chapter:
Chapter 11
The Book of Leona“My mother was dying. Her breathing had changed over the past few days; irregular, pausing only to alarm us, then continuing with a raspy rattle. My daughter and I sat beside her bed and held her hand, limp and translucent, as Tennessee Ernie Ford sang about peace in the valley. Gentle hospice workers came silently during her last week to shift her body and dab a damp sponge on her lips. Though they didn’t know her, they treated her with the dignity and grace she deserved.
Outside her room at the assisted living facility, other residents shuffled by, some with walkers, as silent sentinels in the last act of the drama of life. After 87 years, my mother’s body and mind were gone, except for her strong heart. We could do nothing but wait.”
I’ve recorded two other books through Drew Allen Brown in Nampa, Idaho. The first audio recording was for my nonfiction humorous book, Midlife Happy Hour. He taught me how to slow my reading and not to giggle too much. This book was easy to narrate because the stories highlighted amusing anecdotes with friends and included my humorous mishaps.
The second audiobook was my children’s book, Gators & Taters. We had fun with the stories, and I imagined children listening to the narration and following along with the book. Three of the seven stories are in perfect rhyme, and I enjoyed managing the cadence of my reading with the rhythm of the verses. Several of the stories were ones I once told my children, and their names are in the book. Drew helped me upload the two audiobooks to ACX and Audible.com.
I contacted him after I started to practice Frozen Dinners and explained how I struggled with the chapter about my mother. He rearranged his schedule and invited me to read at his studio. We focused on professional projection and discussed how to tone down personal emotions. I returned home to practice his techniques and added a few of my own ideas: toys. I placed finger puppets, a miniature potato head man, a monkey in a car, and clown glasses next to the manuscript as I read. Those props made me smile and helped soothe the angst of the story about my mother’s death.
The Future of Audiobooks
Recording audiobooks can generate a nice income for those who enjoy reading their books and books written by other authors. There are several sites that ask for auditions. I’ll make a four-figure profit from recording Frozen Dinners.
Between 2012 and 2016 the number of audiobook units sold in the USA more than doubled! In 2012, 42.02 million units were sold and in 2016, 89.56 million units were shifted from the digital shelves.
Drew has written a book about how to read an audiobook. Here are some of his tips:
1. Hydrate before recording. Drink more water than normal for a week before going to the studio.
2. Eat before recording. We had to stop once because my stomach was growling.
3. Practice in front of a mirror. Use the record feature on your smart phone to record portions to play back. Most people are surprised at the sound of their voice. Practice wearing headphones that cover your ears.
4. On the day of the recording, avoid any milk or daily products because they coat the throat.
5. Take a dry toothbrush to the studio. During breaks, brush the top of your mouth and inside your cheeks. Those who drink coffee and wine (guilty!) have a tendency to secrete mucus inside their mouth and that causes a “clicking” sound in the microphone.
6. Wear loose, comfortable clothes that don’t bind your torso. Don’t wear dangly jewelry, and bring reading glasses, if necessary. Sit still while reading, and don’t fidget.
7. Use your personality, don’t talk too fast, and allow the listener to regard you as a friend telling a story. Know the correct pronunciation of names, towns, and places.
8. When reading an emotional passage, include a humorous prop as a distraction. If your voice cracks, the technicians will stop recording and you’ll need to start over. You should be able to complete a 5,000-word chapter in an hour.
9. Drink water at every break. Apply lip gloss if your lips are getting dry.
10. When reading an emotional passage, bring the people to life. My memoir quotes my mother several time, so I practiced using her inflections and personality. Then I glanced at the finger puppet and smiled.
One more piece of advice: listen to audiobooks. Critique the style and tempo of the narrator and emulate how they bring the story to life. Then imagine thousands of people listening to you read as they drive across the country, go to work, or relax on their patios. Literally, your audiobook is one in a million.
2018 was a year of adventure, stress, and writing achievements. I’m looking forward to a quieter year of positive opportunities to balance the roller-coaster events of the past 12 months.
In January, we returned to the secluded, non-commercial golf resort of Villa del Palmar Loreto on the east coast of the Baja Peninsula. This private nature preserve doesn’t allow cruise ships, motor boats, or jet skis, so it’s quiet and peaceful. The golf course is spectacular with dramatic views of Danzante Bay.
In March, we escaped to Arizona to get out of the cold weather in Eagle, Idaho. I traveled to the University of Idaho in Moscow to initiate the Ambrose Storytelling Endowment. I established the endowment in honor of my late brother George, and the program includes an annual workshop, a faculty stipend, and a student cash award.
In April, I traveled to Dayton, Ohio to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop to reconnect with my tribe. I was one of 40 Erma authors to have humorous stories published in an anthology titled, Laugh Out Loud.
I was a speaker at the Boise “Storyfort” program and at the McCall Arts Story Night. I spoke for several writing workshops connected with the Idaho Writers Guild, and returned to my hometown to speak at Wendell High School.
At the end of April, I had the privilege to return to Ireland with the Wayfinding Women tour. A group of women stayed in a castle and in cottages by the sea. We hiked the Burren, lunched at a tea house, strolled through the extensive Powerscourt Gardens, and toured the sacred Hill of Tara. We listened to visiting lecturers talk about Celtic Goddesses, the Divine Feminine, and historic fairy tales. I stayed in Dublin for two days after the tour to visit the cathedrals, see the Book of Kells in Trinity College, and find the Temple Bar. I felt invigorated as I navigated the travel arrangements by myself.
2018 was a year to accomplish writing goals. I finished the manuscript for my memoir Frozen Dinners and submitted it to Brown Books Publishing Group. Two of my children’s books received national writing awards.
Gators & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories won the 2018 Distinguished Favorite Award for Children’s Fiction from the Independent Press Awards. Thousands of books were submitted for the honor, but apparently the judges couldn’t resist the narrative rhythm of the imaginative stories. The Independent Press Award recognizes and honors independent publishers and authors and assists them gain more attention and to better purvey their content to a larger audience.
The annual Moonbeam Children’s Book Awards contest announced this year’s medal-winning books “in recognition of exemplary children’s books and their creators, and to celebrate children’s life-long reading.” The Silver Medal was awarded to The Magic Potato – La Papa Mágica – Story Book in English and Spanish.
In June, I returned to Ohio for the conference of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. For the second year in a row, I received a writing award for humor for my blog posts. I received the award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Connie Schultz (left) and NSNC President Lisa Smith Molinari.
In August, we returned to McCall to golf and boat around the lake. Then at the end of August, we made a sudden life-changing decision: we decided to move.
We found a house on the third fairway of Spurwing Gold Resort in Meridian. I put the Eagle house on the market and it sold in 31 days. I put the cabin on the market and it sold two months later. We scrambled to move out of two full houses into one. We survived an extensive remodeling project on the new house: two colors of paint on the walls and ceilings, new carpet, new window coverings, and 1,500-square-feet of wood flooring. There were numerous problems with plumbing, water damage, and the well, but we hired excellent workers to get everything fixed.
In September, we hosted the annual birthday/anniversary party at our house. Professional cowboy poet and musician Ernie Sites entertained about 60 guests. 
In October, I hosted 12 family members to the touring production of “Lion King.”
In the middle of the fall remodeling project, I traveled to Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri to speak at the farm bureau state convention.
Then I organized the premiere party for my memoir at Telaya Winery. Looking back, I don’t know how we did it all.
We hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the family in our new home, and we enjoyed a busy Christmas season. For the 40th year in a row, I fixed prime rib for Christmas Eve.
So, the year is ending, and I’m still standing. I intend to write another book in 2019 to complete the midlife humor trilogy. As always, my goal is to get in shape and be healthier. I’ll try to reduce the amount of wine consumption. Maybe. I’m grateful for a loving and fun partner, a devoted son and his family, and for the many friends we have in our new community. 2019 will be splendid.
Foreword Reviews published a recent national review of the memoir Frozen Dinners – a Memoir of a Fractured Family and provided new insight into the book.
“Illustrative prose brings the anecdotes to life, describing the Idaho landscape and muddy potato farms with poetic imagery.”
“…a heartbreaking memoir.”
“Elaine Ambrose’s tense memoir, Frozen Dinners … paints a complex portrait of a twentieth-century western family.”
The memoir is receiving 5-Star Reviews from online sites including Amazon Reviews and Goodreads. Here is one 5-Star Review:
Elaine Ambrose is a skilled humorist, but also a trained journalist, an essayist and experienced poet. I was eager to see how she would bring her voice to the complicated story of her family. The book is full of vivid descriptions of Idaho’s natural beauty, small-town family life, and the way that agriculture defines culture in towns and cities across our great nation.
The book has the precision of Elaine’s journalistic background mixed with the prose of a poet. It’s beautiful, but I think some readers may miss the artistry of this juxtaposition. If you allow yourself to fall into the story, you will be cheering on the Ambrose family, and shaking your head (or fist) as the story unfolds. Never one to back away from the difficult, Elaine lays bare the emotional and physical pain of her childhood as the only daughter of a wildly successful (and very frugal) businessman and his loving wife. The emotional chill of the home is matched by Elaine’s brisk prose, which relaxes into lush descriptions when Elaine-as-a-girl is alone and in nature while her brothers spend time with their father. Little Elaine grows up, and the story of the family’s fracture when the children become adults unfolds from there.
Read this for a glimpse into Idaho’s beautiful landscape, into lives well-lived, one family’s rise through smarts and grit and sweat and determination. Read it because it’s a great American story.”
The book is available in paperback and eBook format. Order from local bookstores or online.
Midlife can absolutely be some of the BEST years of your life. Join me for “The Magnificent Midlife Woman: How to Feel Fabulous in Your Skin, Your Body, and Your Life When You’re 40+.”
I’ll be interviewed on Thursday, January 31. The entire series runs January 10th through February 4th. I’ll be offering a free eBook of my new book, Frozen Dinners – A Memoir of a Fractured Family. After the interview, you will be able to download the free eBook from a link on this website.
At age twelve, I had a newspaper route and rode my one-speed bicycle every day to deliver The Twin Falls Times-News to seventy customers around the village of Wendell, Idaho. The Old Folks Manor was on my route. I remember dashing in with the papers and seeing the elderly people sleeping in their chairs. The ones who were awake begged me to stay and talk.
“Hey, Missy,” said a man everyone called Shorty. “Why don’t you stop and chat. Did I tell you about the farm I had?”
“I can’t stop today, Shorty. I need to finish my route. Some day you can tell me about it.”
“Are you coming tomorrow?” asked a toothless woman with wispy patches of hair on her head. “Can you bring me some milk?”
I stopped and placed the newspaper in her lap. “Sorry, June, I can’t carry milk on my bike.”
I always hurried out the door and continued my route. I returned, forty years later, when my mother lived there for a few months. The sights, sounds, and smells remained the same.
I often think about my newspaper route with ambivalent feelings. The experience taught me a productive work ethic and reinforced my social skills; however, I struggled with weather issues, fierce dogs, and constraints on my time that prevented other activities. I remain afraid of dogs after being chased and bitten countless times. In my upcoming memoir, Frozen Dinners, I include several original poems. For an assignment in a college creative writing class, I wrote a poem about being a newspaper girl. It’s titled “1964 Town Crier.”
1964 Town Crier
Ragged, rhythmic clouds of breath escape from my mouth
as I push my burdened bicycle over the patches of frozen snow.
Frost fills my nostrils and hardens wayward hair
poking beneath my knit hat like spikes of rigid spider legs.
The only sounds on this dark moonless morning
come from the rustle of my frozen pant legs
and my boots squeaking and crunching through the crusty layers.
I know every house on my paper route, so I keep my head down
in a futile attempt to ignore the bitter winds that slice through my coat.
Take a newspaper from the bag, slap it into a roll, stick it into the can, keep going.
I’m 12 years old, and I’m outside in the brutal
Idaho winter at 5:30 am to deliver 70 newspapers.
Every day. By myself.
My fingers hurt. Snot freezes on my lip.
A dog growls but doesn’t leave its shelter. Crunch. Breathe.
My bag becomes lighter as a sliver of daylight emerges through the dark.
I arrive home, and my father sits to read the newspaper
while my mother hands me hot cocoa with marshmallows
happily bobbing and melting on top.
My aching hands circle the mug, and I lean over
so the steam can warm my face.
Silent tears roll down red cheeks.
I am the Messenger. I am the Town Crier.
The premiere party for Frozen Dinners – A Memoir of a Fractured Family is Thursday, November 8 at Telaya Winery. Guests can receive autographed copies, custom cedar bookmarks, prizes, and TV dinner food.
