Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Forget Kinky – Bring me Coffee and Kisses

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older couple beach

The National Retail Federation predicts that $18.6 billion will be spent this year on Valentine’s Day gifts that include jewelry, flowers, candy, and greeting cards. However, many middle-aged couples ignore the hype and prefer a nice dinner with fine wine, a slow dance on the patio, and a tender look that says:

“I will love you forever. Have you seen my dental floss?”

The Valentine’s Day edition of a popular women’s magazine recently offered some provocative advice about how to drive a man crazy by using naughty tricks that involved handcuffs and blindfolds. At midlife, most of us don’t have time or money to waste so we’d rather dim the lights, turn on some Luther Vandross, and holler “Come and get it!” before it’s time for the evening news and some salve on our aching backs.

The passing years have provided us the wisdom to know that if we donned a skimpy outfit smaller than a hanky and then wore a blindfold we would trip over our wobbly stilettos and smack our head on the nightstand. And if we lit 50 candles and then agreed to handcuffs we’d knock over the candles, start the house on fire, and not be able to find the key to the cuffs. Our friendly firemen would be greatly amused and publish our hapless photographs in a local magazine.

Most middle-aged women are strong advocates for romance but we want and need it more than once a year. We prefer daily acts of devotion that can build a lasting love affair. My sweetheart makes my coffee every morning and brings me the newspaper. (Yes, a morning newspaper proves just how old we are.) He laughs at my jokes even though he’s heard them before and they’re really not that funny. And, he kisses me every night and morning. We touch in our sleep, and that is the essence of pure love.

True romance often requires a sense of humor.

elaine 2013 (426)

I don’t mind trying new amorous adventures, but they often come with humorous and unromantic results. The kitchen table was way too hard, the secluded outside picnic came with ants and stickers, and the tight corset took 30 minutes to remove. Once I arranged for a limousine stocked with Scotch and hot wings to pick up my hubby from the airport, but the limo was late and he stood outside in the freezing cold for twenty minutes. Another time I applied some sensuous massage oil but ended up spilling the entire bottle and ruining our best sheets. It took him two hot showers to degrease.

But, I’m not giving up on passion because it’s just too much fun.

Millions of people over 50 enjoy loving relationships, and they now comprise the biggest group in online dating. According to the Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, sexual health is important at any age, and doctors agree that older couples who enjoy sexual intimacy can lower their blood pressure, reduce the risks of heart attacks, and look years younger. According to my close female friends, a festive romp in the hay is a grand way to end the day, and there is no medical study required for that astute observation.

As millions of American women grow closer to age 60, we no longer relate to the role models of yesterday. We reject the weathered images of the late Irene Ryan who was only 63 when she played the role of Granny Clampett in the television series Beverly Hillbillies and prefer the strong image of 65-year-old movie star Meryl Streep. We love the feisty spirits of sexy senior citizens Betty White and Tina Turner. Television legend Joan Collins is 81 years young. At a recent pre-Grammy party in Beverly Hills she said that sex was better than Botox for slowing the aging process. In response, many of the glamorous guests weren’t able to raise their eyebrows with surprise.

This year, forget the potions, purchases, and promises for the perfect Valentine’s Day. Be grateful for daily gestures of love and let him know in advance that you’d rather have a nice bottle of wine and a back rub than a 4-foot Vermont teddy bear. Really. Those things are scary.

 

 

Don’t Match Your Socks with Your Shirt

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epcot 1989

I love socks. I grew up in Idaho where the winters require boots and a collection of thick, colorful socks, enough to fill an entire dresser drawer. Also, my pitiful feet resemble hooves fringed with bald sausages, and they practically scream to be covered. I wore socks during childbirth because my feet were uglier than all the mess associated with labor and delivery.

While disheveled and haphazard in every other part of my life, I am fastidious about my sock organization. There are categories for work, play, sports, holidays, and whimsy. It’s a sad day, indeed, when a hole appears in the heel or toe of a favorite sock. As a teenager, I knew how to drop a light bulb into the worn sock and sew the offensive gap with a needle and thread. I don’t do that anymore.

socks donut

I’ve also outgrown my corporate fashion sense that ordered me to match my socks with my shirt. I have a favorite photograph that shows my children and me at the Epcot Center at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. The vacation seems like only a few days ago, but it’s been two decades. At the time, I was a manager at Boise Cascade Corporation and wore coordinated suits at work so felt that my socks must match my shirt during leisure times. In the photo, I’m wearing white shoes and shorts with red socks and shirt. I don’t do that anymore, either.

Here are some distinct reasons why you should increase your sock collection:

  1. They fit. You don’t need to worry about trying on various sizes because there are basically two choices: medium fits shoe size 6 through 10, and large fits size 10 and above.
  2. They are inexpensive. Sure, you can spend $25 for a good pair for skiing, but balance that with $2 for a 2-pack for everyday wear. It’s less painful to throw away cheap socks when they are tattered and threadbare.
  3. They complement your mood. If I’m in sophisticated fashion boots with a classic winter outfit, I often wear outrageous, unmatched socks to soothe the inner rebel.
  4. Others know what gift you’ll like. My daughter always gives me socks as a present because she knows I’ll love and wear them. It’s personal and fun but not demanding.
  5. They bring comfort. On those rare occasions when you get to lounge around with a good book and a plate of cookies, toss the shoes and stay cozy in a favorite pair.

socks colorful 2

Here’s one more recommendation about socks: Remember that a colorful life demands more than wearing boring attire. Limit your use of white socks, and tiptoe out of your comfort zone into some snazzy, bold patterns. Search on line at websites such as www.boldsocks.com or www.joyofsocks.com. You and your feet will be happy.

 

 

Five Reasons to Attend Your School Reunion

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first grade class 1958 elaine age 5

You wear your favorite yoga pants and the “This Wine is Making Me Awesome” t-shirt, sit down with a bag of cookies, and proceed to open the mail. Then you choke when you see the letter about the pending high school reunion only six months away. There is no way you’ll lose 50 pounds in time, so you tackle that second bag of cookies before it gets stale. And you cringe because your title of “Most Likely to Succeed” turned into “Most Likely to Wear a Bathrobe to the Store.”

In my hometown of Wendell, Idaho, the annual combined class reunion includes graduates from the past sixty years. All ages come together to reminisce, shake their heads at the rambunctious youngsters, and moan about the loss of the playground equipment.

“Kids can’t even play anymore,” they mumble. “I remember how we fell out of trees, crashed off the monkey bars, and rode our bikes without a helmet. I hit my head so many times I forgot my name. These children will never know how to have fun like we did.”

The old-timers nod and pontificate about the pending doom of society. Then the band begins playing a concoction of Country, Blue Grass, and Tent Revival music and the mood changes to positive reflection. Even the most caustic attendees adjust their suspenders and tap their manure-covered boots in sporadic rhythms.

“Look at ol’ Mr. Brown,” someone mentions about an elderly man dancing alone in the grass. “He was my parent’s teacher back in ’63. Looks like he’s still breathing.”

“I noticed Harley still has his own teeth.” A collective gasp of approval comes from the group. “Did you see Wanda’s fake hairpiece? Looks like a muskrat crawled onto her head and died.” We’re all suddenly back in high school.

Even if you hated school, you don’t want to miss the excitement and renewed camaraderie that could result from attending the reunion. Here are 5 reasons to go.

  1. It’s nice to see the popular people living ordinary lives. Now, the Student Body President runs a small eldercare facility, the Homecoming Queen works part-time in the Post Office, and the athletic star lives in a rehab center somewhere in the Midwest. The worthless class clown, however, flew to the reunion in a private jet.
  2. The 10th reunion is High School Part II. The same people still try to organize, direct, and cheer-lead the group. But by then, the others can drink alcohol so the orchestrated program is more tolerable.
  3. The 20th Reunion encourages interesting liaisons. For those still single, divorced, or looking, suddenly the frumpy girl from History 301 looks cute or the nerd from English Class learned how to dress without white socks. Sparks fly and couples are holding hands and promising to stay in touch. There’s only a 10 percent chance these flings will last after the sun rises the next morning.
  4. The 30th Reunion is why Spanx was invented. Middle-age classmates have lost hair and gained bellies. They pull out reading glasses and show photos of their children. Some have grandchildren. The party is over by 10:00 pm.
  5. The 40th Reunion brings the Memory Wall. Photos of smiling faces beam from a poster showing those who have died. It’s a stark reminder that we’re not invincible. The crowd that cheered together and stomped to the beat of “We are the Champions” is missing several members. We hug each other with intention and share photos of grandkids.

If you receive the invitation to our reunion, don’t automatically throw it into the trash. Consider a nostalgic visit back to a time and place that formed an important part of your life. You can attend for a few hours, if only to celebrate your current life without all the crap and drama from high school. It’s okay to rent a luxury sports car for the day.

 

How to Cut Out Your Ex from Your Life after Divorce

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BFF

If there’s ever a time you need a little distraction in your life, it’s during the divorce process. That’s why we launched our Divorce Care Package series. With each post, we’ll show you what things — books, movies, recipes — helped others relieve stress in the midst of divorce, in the hopes that a few of their picks will serve you well, too. Want to share what got you through your divorce? Email us atdivorce@huffingtonpost.com or tweet @HuffPost Divorce

It was the simple things in life that reminded writer Elaine Ambrose she’d make it through the roughest days of her divorce: good, slightly indulgent food (hey, it’s not called comfort food for nothing); close friends and family firmly in her corner; and areally killer Tina Turner song.

Below, Ambrose, who blogs regularly for HuffPost, tells us more about the little things that helped her cope post-split.

  • The Song
  • “One of my favorite songs dates back to 1984 with Tina Turner singing ‘Better Be Good to Me.’ I played that song a lot during my divorce, and I’ll admit to fantasizing about prancing around, shaking my booty, and snapping a big whip. Yes, that song made me feel like a real badass then.”
  • The Quote
    joSon via Getty Images/Canva
    “I started a Facebook account in 2008, the same year as my divorce, and added a quote from Erma Bombeck: “When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would have not a single bit of talent left and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.'” Even though I was divorced during midlife, I was determine to find the humor and positive potential in my life. I was thrilled in 2014 when I was chosen to perform a stand-up comedy routine at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Ohio.”
  • The Book
    Amazon
    “My book, Menopause Sucks, was actually released in 2008 right when I was going through the divorce. Fortunately, I had changed my married name back to my maiden name before the release, but the publisher didn’t have time to change my bio on the back cover. (What a bummer.) It still listed me as married, but at least the description didn’t include his name. Even though I’ve happily remarried, I’m not changing my name again.”
  • The Photograph
    “I love my travel photographs, but I have hundreds that include my ex. I probably won’t return to the Abu Simbel Temple in Egypt and I don’t know how to erase parts of the photos, so the cut-and-paste method will need to suffice for now. Here I am with Ramses the Great.”
  • The Movie
    “My adult daughter was instrumental in challenging me to improve my grumpy mood as I wallowed in the drama of divorce. For starters, she took me to see the movie ‘Slumdog Millionaire.’ My divorce troubles seemed to fade when compared to life in the slums of India. This powerful, colorful, and entertaining movie provided the inspiration I needed to leave my personal pity party and celebrate the opportunities in my new life.”
  • The Diet
    H. Armstrong Roberts via Getty Images
    “After my divorce, I established a no-rules, no-fault diet. If I wanted only pie and ice cream for dinner, that’s what I ate. As long as I exercised to burn off extra calories and balanced the fattening meals with salad-only dinners, I enjoyed the freedom to eat whatever and whenever I wanted. And, I only had to clean up after myself! The food freedom was liberating.”
  • The Splurge
    sf_foodphoto via Getty Images
    “One of the few joint possessions I requested from the divorce was a time share account, mainly because I had paid for it. I used the points to take my children and their spouses on a New Year’s trip to wine country in Napa Valley, California. The wine was particularly tasty as we all raised our glasses to toast a new year with exciting adventures to come. To be honest, there was a brief moment of grief because I was the odd person at a table full of happy couples, but hey, I survived just fine.”
  • The Hobby
    Ezra Bailey via Getty Images
    “As I was going through the divorce process, I started a blog as a hobby and called it ‘Midlife Cabernet.’ Since then, I’ve become a syndicated blogger and my humorous essays are featured on Huffington Post and several other websites. This year I compiled the blogs into a book and published Midlife Cabernet – Live, Love, and Laughter after Fifty. The book won the 2014 Silver Medal for Humor from the Independent Publisher Book Award Program (IPPY), and Publishers Weekly reviewed it as ‘laugh-out-loud funny.’ I believe that a good sense of humor is necessary because it’s always better to laugh than to break something or smack someone in the head.”

Two Shades of Grey

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fat cupid

The owner of a hotel in England recently replaced guest copies of the Holy Bible, the world’s bestselling book, with Fifty Shades of Grey, the soft-porn bestseller than inspires horny women to imagine torrid but poorly written fantasies. While I endorse creative marketing strategies and applaud freedom of physical expression, I assume that the hotel management will also provide locked safes for families with children, and disposable, battery-operated toys for those flying solo.

Because I can’t stop myself from noticing the profound and conspicuous differences between the two books, I’ve noted an excerpt from each:

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among men. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste….
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for (his) love is more delightful than wine.”
–“Song of Solomon,” Old Testament, written more than 3,000 years ago

“I found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your behind.”
—Fifty Shades of Grey, current bestselling novel

I don’t want to debate religion (thank God). I’m merely questioning the literary value of certain bestselling books. It doesn’t take much imagination to slither into Anastasia Steele’s sticky bedroom where she exclaims with amazement, “I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible!”

But it takes thought, reflection, and reading ability to get lost in Bel Canto by Ann Patchett (a personal favorite) or to feel the heartache described in The Help by Kathryn Stockett or to appreciate the wit of Olive Ann Burns in Cold Sassy Tree. Maybe it’s all a matter of balancing excellence with trash, much like enjoying the occasional corn dog at the county fair. But it’s also important to use or lose the delicate sensory perception abilities that come from our brains to arouse the gray matter between our ears instead of between the sheets.

The movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey premieres on Valentine’s Day, but I won’t be attending or investing in supplies of rope, paddles, or whips. The only kinky habits I enjoy are to romp with my sweetheart and cool down with warm pie and ice cream washed down with a bold Cabernet. No bondage or spanking sessions are required, and we’re completely satisfied.

I prefer my version of passion over age fifty to be titled Two Shades of Grey. The first requirement during intimate encounters would require all lights to be dim, and the second option would be lights out and only then the flannel jammies come off. The only risque activity would be if we both wore blindfolds; not for naughty pleasure but to protect our eyesight from loose but lovable skin.

I guess we should be grateful that the book is encouraging some women to read. Maybe they’ll transition to other options to discover passion and drama in more literary choices. Nothing screams “Take me now!” like the vision of a loving couple reading good books together in bed.

There is a subtle connection with Fifty Shades of Grey and A Tale of Two Cities, the all-time bestselling novel ever written. Biographers of the author Charles Dickens wrote that he believed that prolific sexual activity was necessary for a healthy man. The sub-plot for his great novel centers on the erotic exploitation of a young, powerless girl by an older, powerful man. Ironically, that plot sounds similar to the story in Fifty Shades. Maybe it’s a literary masterpiece after all.

To My Son as He Leaves for College

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adam elaine football hs

(For those with quiet empty nests, here’s a letter I wrote to my son years ago.)

What do you mean you mailed a college application? Get back down on the floor and play with some Legos. Do you want me to make you a sandwich? Or, you can invite your friends over and we’ll order pizzas. You can stay up all night, if you want. I’ll just go cry in my room, but don’t let that bother you.

Yes, I know I can be obnoxious about mothering you, but don’t leave yet. I’m not done. We need to work on laundry and managing money. And we should have the talk – you know, the discussion about sex, drugs, alcohol, and how the world is full of mean people who could hurt you. Oh, you say you can handle everything? Then tell me, son, how do I handle this anxiety? How do I stop this gut-churning ache when I realize my only son, my last child, is walking out the door and will return as a visitor? Give me some laughs for that fact, will you?

Okay, I’m sorry for that lapse in composure. I’m really happy for you. Really. I want you to march into college and own the place. Let them know you have arrived and you’re ready to pursue enlightenment and knowledge so you can get a great job and support me in my old age. Oops. There I go again. It’s not about me, is it? This is about you. I must focus.

Because I’m a single parent and the two of us have shared this house for several years, I want to give you my best parenting advice before you drive off to the university. So, here goes:

  1. Size matters. You already know this. Weighing in at 11 pounds, you were one of the biggest babies every born at the Gooding County Hospital. You were always the tallest, which made it easy to find you in a crowd of other children. You were sad at age 4 when He-Man underwear didn’t come in your size, and the teachers had to order an adult-sized desk for you in 5th You were 6’6” in high school, and you carried the load for others, as you continue to do today. Sometimes you didn’t like being so big, but many people, including me, see you now as a tall, strong, funny, handsome, and responsible hero. That’s a good thing.
  2. Keep your sense of humor. No one can make me laugh like you do. Your personality is beyond gregarious and that’s why others enjoy being around you. I’ve seen you cheer up a dejected classmate, counsel a young child, coach and encourage a YMCA team, and cause your grandmother to grin. (Dementia made her grin all the time, but you brought a special twinkle to her eyes.)
  3. Stay compassionate. As a two-year-old, you took care of other children at the child-care center. That special trait continued into your teenage years. Several others took advantage of you, and I know you used your wages to pay for a lot of meals, trips, and activities that other kids couldn’t afford. Keep that empathetic characteristic, but watch out for charlatans who will exploit your generosity. Learn from me.
  4. Treat women as wonderful, complicated creatures who can make your life a living hell or a heavenly sanctuary. You will live in a fraternity and there will be raucous parties with coeds. Have fun, but keep your head clear and your pants zipped. Other college men won’t heed that advice, and their new nickname will be “father” or “college drop-out.” The woman you choose to marry will be lucky, indeed. Remember to compliment her, support her dreams, and be delighted in your partnership with her as you build dreams together. Plan great adventures and expect a successful marriage. And, if she ever asks, “How do I look?” always respond, “Wow! You look amazing?” Trust me.
  5. Remember your roots. You were born into a family with a strong work ethic, a love of adventure, and an unwavering love for their children. I’m sorry your father and I lost the marriage, but we continued to make your sister and you our top priority. Take this experience to do better than we did.
  6. Get ready to fly. The next five years will be the most important years of your life. You will go to college, get a job, perhaps get married, and maybe you’ll have children. Life will never be the same again. Take this time to savor every drop of life you can. Meet new people, visit new destinations, make some mistakes, and recover with gusto. But, please, know that if you move far away I know how to make airplane reservations. I’d like a guest room with teal-colored paint on the walls, a coffee maker, and a wine bar.

I think that’s the essential tidbits for now. You’ve got a job so you know about money. As for laundry, just wear all dark clothes so you don’t need to separate the loads. But, always wash your towels at least weekly. I might need to throw a few wet towels on the floor after you’re gone just for the memories.

Go to college, son, and remember that life can’t be one big party unless someone pays the bills and provides the clean-up committee. Be the one in charge of your own celebration of young adulthood. I’ll miss you every day, but soon I can visit you on campus. I’ll bring your favorite cookies! And a pizza. It will be just like old times.

Most of all, I will miss your laugh, so please record it for me. Remember, your first laugh was with me when you were four months old. It could have been caused by gas bubbles, but oh my, how you could laugh! Please don’t ever stop. One more thing: I’ll leave the light on for you.

Love,

Mama (all alone in a big, quiet, empty house)