Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

How to Write Humor – The Outline

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(Here’s my outline for “How to Write Humor.” I give this presentation for workshops andpresentations at various conferences.)

 

 

  1. Risk to Writing Humor
    1. What if they don’t laugh? What if they do?
    2. Do you laugh or cringe at your own sentence?
    3. Improve humor writing skills by reading, writing, and analyzing what makes you laugh.
  2. Elements of Humor – Choose a topic that combines at least two:
    1. Witty, clever, new twist
    2. Surprise, spontaneous, unexpected
    3. Bizarre, odd, absurd, not routine
    4. Ironic, shocking, mock frustration
    5. Naughty, obsessive, titillating
    6. Satirical, spoof, roast
    7. Self-depreciating, but don’t overdo it or audience will believe you’re a loser

  1. Writing Humor is Serious Work
    1. If you’re not funny, don’t write humor. Please.
    2. Don’t throw every gimmick and hope it works.
    3. Be original and creative. Find your niche.
    4. Edit, again and again. No one likes a long joke.
    5. Remember what makes you laugh as you write.
    6. Profanity is similar to hot spice: use it sparingly.
    7. Tie the end of the story or anecdote back to the beginning.
    8. Read your work out loud.
    9. Know your audience. Midlife humor won’t work for male teenage science students.
    10. Read other comedy writers: David Sedaris, Jill Conner Browne, George Carlin.
  2. Erma Bombeck – Still Funny, Twenty Years after Her Death
    1. I don’t ski because of all the ambulances.
    2. I would jog to hear heavy breathing again.
    3. He who laughs…lasts.

Examples of Humor in My Books

  1. Menopause Sucks – Quotes
    1. It’s a crying shame you could live to be 100 but only 20 of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach.
    2. Estrogen is the chemical commander-in-chief. Imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Make that boob bigger.”
    3. After perimenopause – “Attention all sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.”
  2. Midlife Cabernet – Quotes
    1. I never intended to be divorced in my forties, but it happened. If love is blind, I need a white cane instead of a wedding dress.
    2. Unless your mother-in-law is a convicted felon or a pole dancer at the Kit Kat Klub, you should spend quality time with her.
    3. There are more than 250 million adults in the US, and each one started as a baby. They grew up and moved out, so there’s a high probability yours will, too.
    4. I used to feed my little ones with a spoon shaped like an airplane. Now they open their mouths every time they hear a plane.
  3. Establish Your Humor Identity
    1. Name, title, blog, logo, key audience
    2. Join and participate in online humor writing groups.
    3. Find speaking opportunities
    4. Exploit success – viral and award-winning blogs
    5. Be active on social media sites
    6. Create humorous memes to promote your brand
    7. Middle-aged women – my target audience – will appreciate this meme:

  1. Explore Opportunities to Expand Your Reach
    1. Collaborate with another author on a book.
    2. Apply to speak at conferences.
    3. Weekly test public reaction to your posts
  2. Keep Learning new Technologies
    1. Use various apps to copyright and date. Use Enlight app to distort photos.
    2. Know how to create and insert photos and videos.
    3. Save and recycle samples of your best writing.
    4. Keep a notebook for jokes, spontaneous ideas, people-watching, personal incidents, and funny quotes.
  3. Make Laugher, Make Money, and Make the World a Happier Place
    1. Sell on the popularity of your sparkling, creative wit.
    2. Give paid speeches and sell products at full retail after the speeches.
    3. Makes notes and evaluate after every presentation to improve experience
    4. Remember to keep laughing because the world needs humor.
    5. If all else fails, use a prop: Finger Puppets

 

Elaine Ambrose uses and distributes finger puppets in some of her keynote speeches.

Elaine Ambrose, Bestselling Author, Syndicated Blogger, Humorist

Website: elaine@elaineambrose.com, Email: elaine@elaineambrose.com

 

©ElaineAmbrose2018

The Splendid Joy of Writing Humor

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Receiving Award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Maureen Dowd

My stylish but functional carry-on bag is waiting to be packed for tomorrow’s flight to Cincinnati, Ohio for the National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference. The association is for writers of serial essays, including columnists and bloggers. My goal as a humor writer is to cause at least one person to laugh or maybe snort coffee when reading my blog posts. Apparently, my goal was achieved because I’m receiving another award for humor writing.

At last year’s conference, I received the honor from Pulitzer Prize winner Maureen Dowd. My winning essays included an irreverent collection of political commentaries from sarcastic animals. This year’s winning entry included a travel post because I’d rather be stranded in a haunted airport full of carnivorous dung beetles and feral spiders than write about politics. It’s not funny anymore. I wrote about last year’s award in a piece titled “Humor in E-Flat Alto.” It’s a tribute to my band teacher who told me I wasn’t funny.

Joining funny writers Lee Gaitan and Molly Stevens at NSNC.

The schedule for this year’s conference features excellent speakers and topics, and I’m eager to join provocative debates, learn new techniques, and see friends from across the country.

Here is one of my three entries for the 2018 humor competition:

Stepping and Schlepping Off the Plane

After completing a 14-hour journey from Sag Harbor, New York to Boise, Idaho, I’m convinced the standard travel attire for passengers includes ripped clothes, disheveled hair, and a grumpy attitude. I felt positively radiant in my coordinated knit ensemble, complete with a patient smile. As I cued in line for the privilege to sit in a toddler-sized space for four hours, I reminisced about a forgotten time when traveling was a luxurious pleasure.

Years ago, when I was fancy and corporate, I often visited an exclusive dress shop in downtown Boise. The proprietor, a thin and elegant woman named Dorothy, was hanging onto age 50 with clenched but manicured fingernails. She exuded all things classy and could have posed for a 1950s cigarette ad. Her arched eyebrow raised even higher whenever I entered. She liked me but mourned my conservative fashion sense and untoned body. I was on the D-List of Preferred Clients.

Once I needed a business outfit for a conference out of state. She welcomed me with bangled arms and air kisses and proceeded to collect various outfits to hang in a dressing room.

“This one is perfect,” she gushed as she held up a white sweater with white pants. “You’ll look fabulous as you step off the plane.”

“I’ll look like an albino ox,” I replied. “And what’s the fuss about stepping off the plane? Most of the passengers are wearing flannel pajama pants and stained sweatshirts as they stumble to baggage claim. I could be roller skating in a potato sack on fire with live rats dancing on my head and no one would notice.”

Dorothy sighed. “Where has all the glamour gone?” She replaced the white ensemble and added a serious navy-blue dress with a red collar.

“At least add a splash of color,” she begged.

I liked the dress and purchased it for the trip. After the plane landed, I entered the terminal and paused for a moment to pose as Dorothy would prefer. A young mother pushing a stroller the size of a recliner crashed into my legs, snagging my pantyhose. She mumbled an apology while throwing fish crackers to her crying toddler and ambled down the corridor in a mass of harried, hurried people.

I limped down to the taxis and reflected on the time when travelers wore their best clothes. Typical attire included men in suits with ties and women in dresses and hats, some with gloves. Children and pets were rare and properly packaged. Passengers who stepped off the plane indicated they had, indeed, arrived.

I don’t work for a corporation anymore, so when traveling I opt for a more casual, practical outfit such as black leggings and a black and white tunic. At my age it really doesn’t matter anymore because women over 50 are invisible to the huddled masses yearning to simultaneously read their cell phones and walk while ignoring the repetitive message from Big Sister, “Do Not Leave Your Luggage Unattended!”

Yesterday I️ had two hours before my next flight so stopped at the wine bar in the airport and ordered a Cabernet. A sophisticated older woman also sat at the bar. She wore a red knit suit with white pearls and her hair was full enough to hide small treasures. Her exquisite fingers curved around the wine glass as she smiled and offered a silent toast. I️ returned her gesture, thankful to no longer be invisible. After finishing her drink, she gathered her designer bags and sashayed from view as I heard the distant music from Nat King Cole singing, “Unforgettable.” I imagined her name was Dorothy.

 

 

 

 

  How to Write the Introduction to Your Memoir

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If you want to write a memoir, begin with a powerful scene that provides a provocative glimpse into the story that follows. Here is the first paragraph of my upcoming memoir, Frozen Dinners – A Memoir of a Fractured Family.

“Irritated clouds of gray dust swirl behind my car and settle back onto the patches of scruffy sagebrush as I drive a back road into the village of Wendell, Idaho. I turn down 4th Avenue and stop in front of an insignificant old house where my family lived before my father became rich. Decades of decay and neglect are exposed as cheap vinyl siding sags on the outside walls and dead vines hang on crooked trellises over weathered boards thirsty for paint. I stare at the window of my former bedroom and wonder if it’s still nailed shut.”

Those four sentences reveal several essential facts to the story through key words and phrases. The words “village of Wendell, Idaho” tell readers the location of my small hometown. The phrase “before my father became rich” adds an interesting element in the second sentence. The third sentence about “decades of decay” offers a glimpse into a memoir about loss and longing.  By the fourth sentence, I intend to hook the reader with the words “wonder if it’s still nailed shut.”

Why was my childhood window nailed shut? Keep reading to learn the truth.  Also, to emphasize immediacy, the first chapter is written in present tense. The remaining chapters are in past tense.

Everyone has a story, and you should consider writing yours. Your life’s history contains a series of pivotal scenes that incorporate all the senses and emotions. List the important memories and then review them for the basis of an outline for your memoir. Do certain times and events seem more compelling that others? What is the essence of your story? How do you begin?

My memoir first percolated in my mind more than twenty years ago, and I adjusted the intensity of my writing for several years, often jumping into the mess of words only to quit and relinquish everything to the back burner. How do I, as a humor writer, rip open the scars to inspect the pain of the past? I couldn’t finish it, so I sporadically wrote additional chapters for the manuscript while working on humorous books, including Menopause Sucks, Midlife Cabernet, and Midlife Happy Hour.

My mother’s death in 2014, followed three years later by the death of my younger brother George, convinced me to complete the book. The memoir will be released in the fall by Brown Books Publishing.

Write Your Memoir – Free Workshop in Boise

The Idaho Writers Guild offers a full schedule of free workshops for beginning and intermediate writers. I’ll be presenting a memoir writing class on Thursday, June 21 at the Library at Collister, 4724 W State Street in Boise. The workshop, titled “Your Memoir – How to Avoid Flirting with Fiction,” begins at 7:00 with a 90-minute interactive session followed by audience discussion. The event is free and open to the public. Intermediate writers are encouraged to attend.

The workshop will focus on how to outline a memoir and how to separate fact from fiction. Worksheets will emphasize the importance of an opening paragraph to set the stage for the rest of the story.

 

 

 

 

 

Elaine’s Delizioso Chicken Parmesan

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Elaine’s Chicken Parmesan

What to do on a rainy spring day? Make chicken Parmesan, of course. Several years ago, I attended a cooking school for a week in Tuscany, Italy with A Cook’s Tour. We learned from local chefs and consumed a year’s worth of delicious Italian food and wine in a few days. It was glorious.

Elaine learning from Italian cooks.

As a successful bribe to have my adult children visit me, I just make the chicken Parmesan recipe I learned in Italy. Here is the recipe, with a few original adaptations.

Start with a good red sauce. You can use canned marinara sauce but buy an Italian brand such as Bertolli. If you want to make your own, take a day and enjoy this process.

Roast and dice two green and red peppers. Dice two onions. Sauté peppers and onions with some Italian apices in olive oil in a large pot. You can add diced mushrooms and minced garlic, but watch the garlic so it doesn’t burn.

Open red wine and taste to enhance your cooking experience.

Add several large cans of Italian tomatoes to the pot and simmer for at least an hour. You can use a food processor to obtain the best consistency before adding the tomatoes to the pot.

While the tomatoes are simmering, cut up a few pounds of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Flatter with a pounder and cut into pieces. Dip pieces in beaten eggs and then dip in a mixture of Panko bread crumbs and grated Parmesan cheese. Fry in olive oil until brown but not fully cooked. Drain on paper towels.

Saute chicken in Panko bread crumbs and grated Parmesan cheese.

Sip the wine to make sure it’s still good.

In large casserole dish, spread some red sauce. Add browned chicken, more red sauce, cover with sliced mozzarella cheese, top with more red sauce, and add more freshly grated Parmesan cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for about an hour. Sip wine and sing Italian songs while the food is cooking. This dish can be better the next day, reheated. It also freezes well.

Serve with crusty bread, cooked pasta and more red sauce, a green salad, and buttered, steamed asparagus. Add red wine, of course. You may need to open another bottle. Delizioso!

 

 

 

 

Memoir Reviewed by Acclaimed Idaho Author

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My memoir Frozen Dinners is available on Amazon for pre-order. Brown Books Publishing has announced a release date for November 2018 to secure holiday promotion and purchases. Watch for the local premiere party, complete with TV dinners!

I appreciate this review from Kim Barnes, author of the Pulitzer Prize Finalist Memoir: In the Wilderness: Coming of Age in Unknown Country

“Full of luscious details, clear-eyed compassion, and enduring joy, Ambrose’s memoir gives us an insider’s view of one family’s rocky pursuit of the American Dream. Even when she is relating personal stories of conflict, loss, and grief, Ambrose does so with a survivor’s voice made strong by experience, stubbornness, humor, and love.”

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I worked on the manuscript for 20 years. My mother’s death in 2014, followed last year by the death of my younger brother George, convinced me to complete the book. The memoir tells the story of my father Neal Ambrose, born in Wendell, Idaho, as he climbed out of poverty and created an extensive fortune through trucking and farming enterprises. In the early 1950s, he established one of the first trucking companies in the country to haul frozen TV dinners, and during the 1960s, his farming operations introduced the first pivot sprinklers in southern Idaho. The pivots allow sprinkler pipes to rotate around a center pump to water crops.

However, the family lived in a state of emotional paralysis, and after my father’s death, everything was destroyed as the assets were squandered, the companies closed, and hundreds of employees lost their jobs. A chapter titled “Judgement Day” describes a brutal courtroom scene where a ruthless Boise attorney badgered my 77-year-old mother until she wet her pants. Another chapter devoted to her is titled “The Book of Leona.” The memoir concludes with my half-century journey to find warmth beyond the contaminated legacy of frozen dinners.

While ripping open the scars to write the book, I covered the wounds with healing humor and wrote Menopause Sucks, Midlife Cabernet, and Midlife Happy Hour.  I’m eager to return to writing humor.

Click this link for pre-ordering details about the hard cover edition: Frozen Dinners