Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

Truth with Some Consequencees

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NaBloPoMo_November

I can creatively transform the truth when necessary, and I suspect many of us are guilty of telling little white lies:

“Oh, yes, you have the most beautiful baby in the world!”

“Thank you for the gift of porcelain, laughing frogs. I’ll treasure them forever.”

“Leaving so soon? We must visit again sometime.”

I’ve told door-to-door missionaries that I suddenly have a bout of explosive diarrhea. That really works, and they skedaddle quickly. And, I’ve never changed my weight on my driver’s license, so I haven’t gained a pound in more than 40 years. Score!

I’m participating in NaBloPoMo, a writing exercise that involves writing a blog every day for the month of November. I’m joining a group of midlife women who are blogging today about their lives, only they are including six comments and one is a lie. I’m not comfortable telling a lie to friends, but in the spirit of the game, this is my contribution.

Here are six comments about me. Five are true and one is not. Which one is the lie?

  1. I rode on a bull elephant in a jungle in Nepal and witnessed a tiger kill a water buffalo.
  2. I floated down the Nile to visit the ancient Temple of Luxor.
  3. I love beer and ‘brats after a day of fishing.
  4. I sang in the American Cathedral in Paris.
  5. I rode my horse in the barrel race at the Gooding County Fair and Rodeo.
  6. I can write forward and backwards using two hands while singing in Latin.

I was going to write that I won a graceful, debutante competition at a fancy cotillion and I wore six-inch heels and waltzed the night away, but that would be too easy to spot as an outrageous fabrication with no resemblance to truth. The consequence of that statement would be that no one could keep a straight face when contemplating such an outrageous scenario. The real lie will be exposed in tomorrow’s blog.

 

To the Bad Dad in the Bleachers

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dad scream sports

Dear Bad Dad in the Bleachers,

You are a bully. You stand and yell at your daughter as she plays in a basketball game, your fists are clenched, your face is distorted in rage. She is only 12-years-old, and your cruel actions break my heart.

She’s doing her best to play for her team, and when she catches the ball she eagerly makes her way down the court. I watch as she looks over at you, hopeful for encouragement. Then an opposing team member snatches the ball. You stand again and yell at her, and I see the pained look in her eyes. Stop it.

She’s at a vulnerable age; not a little girl anymore and not a young woman. Her body is changing and she is unsure of her developing hips and breasts. She’s worried she might start her period during the game and blood will stain her white athletic shorts. She’s thinking about the older boy in the neighborhood who asked to give her a ride. She’s wondering about the party invitation she received for the weekend. She knows it will be a long night because her homework isn’t done yet. She’s embarrassed that you are yelling at her in public, and she cringes every time you scream at the referees and her coach.

You only have six more years to become a better parent for your daughter. Otherwise, when she’s 18 she’ll leave your home and try to make it on her own without the steady foundation of unconditional love from the first man in her life. The world will sense her insecurity and pounce like a wild beast.

I was that girl. I craved but never received my father’s affection or approval, and it took decades to finally accept myself. I am not proud of my two divorces or the way I lost a financial fortune because I trusted unscrupulous businessmen. I wish my father had cheered for me when I was 12.

I don’t know you or your family, but I know how your daughter feels. That’s why I wrote this letter, tucked it into an envelope, and handed it to you at the next game. I waited until you stood again and yelled at her. Please read this in private, and think about this wonderful girl who has such amazing potential in life. If you continue to destroy her self-esteem over a game with 12-year-olds, she will drop out of basketball, she will become distracted and dejected, and she will seek approval somewhere else, probably from someone who hurts her.

Sincerely,

A Mother, Grandmother, and Former 12-year-old Girl

 

Have You Laughed 17 Times Today?

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laughing head

What’s with all the gloomy people walking around mumbling and complaining? Don’t they know that laughter is the best medicine? Boisterous laughter is the grand cure that causes your face to contort as you make guttural noises and your eyes water, your gut tumbles, and your mood improves. There is no down side to a good laugh, unless of course it’s at a funeral or in a tragic movie or during sex. Don’t do that.

The world may be boiling in a cesspool of angst, depravity, murder, and disease, but look on the bright side: you’re not getting out alive anyway so you might as well find some humor. I know what makes people laugh: indigestion. Last month I wrote an essay titled “Don’t Fart During an MRI” that was published on The Huffington Post. To date, more than 644,000 people have liked the silly piece and I’m receiving emails of thanks from around the world. The answer to happiness is simple: just fart.

Marshall Brain, founder of How Stuff Works, studied the topic of humor and concluded that human beings love to laugh, and the average adult laughs 17 times a day. Humans love to laugh so much that there are actually industries built around laughter. Jokes, sitcoms and comedians are all designed to get us laughing, because laughing feels good. For us it seems so natural, but the funny thing is that humans are one of the only species that laughs. Laughter is actually a complex response that involves many of the same skills used in solving problems.

Brain notes that laughter is also extremely difficult to control consciously. Try asking a friend to laugh, for example. Most will announce, “I can’t laugh on command,” or some similar statement. Your friends’ observations are accurate — their efforts to laugh on command will be forced or futile. It will take them many seconds to produce a laugh, if they can do it at all. This suggests that we cannot deliberately activate the brain’s mechanisms for affective expression. Playfulness, being in a group, and positive emotional tone mark the social settings of most laughs.

In a serious study on The Science of Laughter published by Robert Provine in Psychology Today, researchers noted that jokes are serious business: they’re innate, important social tools. Authorities from the Bible to Reader’s Digest remind us that “laughter is the best medicine.” Print and broadcast reporters produce upbeat, often frothy stories like “A Laugh a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.” A best-selling Norman Cousins book and a popular Robin Williams film Patch Adams amplified this message. Laughter unites people, and social support has been shown in studies to improve mental and physical health. Indeed, the presumed health benefits of laughter may be coincidental consequences of its primary goal: bringing people together.

Here’s one final thought from Andrea F. Polard, Psy.D, in an article in Psychology Today titled “A Unified Theory of Happiness.” She writes, “We must see life as a divine play and foster lightheartedness. In order to survive, we must play.”

So, turn off the computer, go buy some clown noses, gather some friends, and go play. If that doesn’t work, just fart.

 

 

Please Pass the Potatoes

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thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is next week and I’m not flummoxed about what to fix: I’m a true admirer of tradition so I’ll stuff a fresh turkey with dressing that contains only bread cubes, celery, butter, water chestnuts, and fresh herbs and spices. I’ll baste it with more butter as it roasts in the oven, and then I’ll be profoundly thankful to share and eat it.

I’m not a huge fan of creative changes to standards recipes. Feel free to enjoy baked tofu and cauliflower, but I’ll choose the real mashed potatoes, thank you. Bon Appétit, http://www.bonappetit.com, always offers alterations to traditional holiday dishes. A current article includes recipes for cranberry wasabi (nope) and a red wine gravy reduction over a popular green bean recipe (double nope.) My only wine reduction will come from my glass into my mouth.

I admire people who can concoct tantalizing new dishes and incorporate different ingredients to create new, delicious recipes. I’ll even try some vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, low-carb, non-alcoholic, and low-fat meals, but please don’t criticize me when I finish my customary Thanksgiving feast with a platter of warm pecan pie with soft ice cream and a glass of wine. I just want to remain true to my heritage.

For Christmas Eve, I always prepare prime rib, rubbed with curry, fresh garlic, ginger, and course black pepper. I serve it with poppy seed potatoes, as I have for the past twenty years. There won’t be any deviations from these two recipes, but others are welcome to bring something new and fancy. We’ll enjoy every bite.

I get a bit emotional around the holidays when my family comes together for meals, and this year we’ll have an empty chair at the table. But there will be commotion at the kid’s table, and the adults will vie for the last turkey leg. It’s traditional.

Elaine’s Idaho Potato Soup

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potato soup

 

Record-breaking amounts of snow and frigid temperatures mean it’s time for sweaters and jeans, a cozy fire in the fireplace, and a large pot of homemade potato soup. Here’s my favorite recipe. It serves a large family or two teenage boys.

 

6-8 Idaho Russet potatoes, cubed, (peeling is optional)

1 pound bulk spicy Italian sausage

1 pound bulk regular Italian sausage

One onion, diced

6 stalks of celery, diced

2 Tablespoons mustard seed

2 Cups Chicken Stock

2 Cups of Cream or Half-and-Half

Salt, Pepper

Optional: 2 cans of creamed soup, any kind

Cover spuds with water and boil in a large soup pot with mustard seeds for 10-15 minutes. Do not drain. (The mustard seeds are for my mother who always believed the parable of having the faith of a mustard seed.)

In separate large skillet, brown sausage. Sauté onion and celery in sausage drippings or olive oil.

Combine all ingredients into the soup pot. Add salt and pepper to taste. (For thicker soup, add 2 cans of creamed soup, any kind.)

Heat but don’t boil. Yummy. This soup is delicious to reheat for several days but doesn’t freeze well.

My favorite memory with this soup: My wee 2-year-old granddaughter and my 80-year-old mother competed for the last helping.

 

 

Do Not Start a Relationship in Winter

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cold woman

Winter arrived early like an unwanted relative and dumped record amounts of snow as if to announce, “Put away the jeweled flip-flops, Sweetheart, and grab a coat before you freeze your assets.”

Because I’ve been around the block many times in all kinds of weather, I’m here to give unsolicited but helpful advice if you intend to enter into a new relationship. Here are some reasons you should never start dating during cold weather:

  1. Shivering is unattractive. Gazing into a new lover’s eyes loses a romantic spark if your nose is red and producing enough snot to fill a salad bowl.
  2. Bundling is bulgy. If you go out for the evening, you can’t wear sexy sandals or else you’ll slip on the ice and bruise your ego. Instead, you’ll pull on clumsy boots, thick pants that could protect a Sherpa on Mt. Everest, a muffler that sticks to your runny nose, and a parka that’s too big to squeeze through the door. And you’ll be sneezing into crumpled wads of messy tissue. This is not a sensual look.
  3. Don’t lose the coat. If you go to a restaurant or fancy event and check your coat, you’ll sit with your date and tremble because you’re so cold. Crawling onto your companion’s lap or pulling the tablecloth around your shoulders for warmth can stifle a genuine return of affection. Keep your coat nearby, and add a wool shawl and portable heater, if necessary. There comes a time when your comfort trumps protocol.
  4. Forget strolling hand in hand. Unless you were raised on a frozen tundra, avoid long walks in frigid temperatures. Such an experience could cause your nostrils to freeze and your feet to go numb. Then you’ll stumble into the nearest open business, fall onto the floor, and barter your first-born child in exchange for hot coals to be dumped upon your freezing body. This action will cause your date to doubt that you’re “The One.”
  5. Expect to gain weight. We’re innocent descendants of our ancestors, and in order to survive the winter they always packed on some extra fat. To honor that tradition, we’ve been known to add 20 pounds during the first weekend of December. We can’t help it. But, that added weight could be a negative when meeting a new beau.
  6. Home is comforting. When you’re in a new relationship, there’s an added stress to be ready for action. The prospective mate better raise the bar if you’re going to leave your warm recliner, shave your legs, floss, and find matching socks. Cuddling up at home in your sweatpants with a hot toddy could be a welcome alternative to the dating scene.
  7. The other seasons bring problems, also. Don’t date in the spring if your allergic rhinitis causes you to wear a nose cap. Beware of summer because you easily get sunburned and can’t be touched. And forget about autumn. No one wants to be in a new relationship knowing that the coming holidays could require introductions to your crazy family or the daunting dilemma surrounding gift-giving. Face it, there is no good time.
  8. Ignore all these suggestions. You could meet someone and suddenly feel that unique tingle that says, “Shut the front door – this one’s a keeper!” Then by all means, relish the experience and enjoy the fun, regardless of the season.