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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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“Flying Potato” Writing Contest Announced for Idaho Children

May 23, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

over downtown

Mill Park Publishing, owned by local author Elaine Ambrose, is sponsoring the “Children’s Flying Potato Writing Challenge” in conjunction with the 5th Annual Idaho Potato Drop. The activity is open to all Idaho children between the ages of 8-12. The theme will be: “The Magic Flying Potato,” and the top five entries will receive a $40 prize and be invited to read their winning essays on stage at the Children’s Tent for the festivities in Boise December 31, 2017.

A total of 25 winners will receive from $10 to $40, certificates of award, and books from Mill Park Publishing.

Stories must be original, unpublished manuscripts from 300 to 500 words. Poetry is acceptable. Submissions can include artwork but are limited to one original piece of artwork. Content must follow acceptable guidelines for family-oriented publications.

Beginning September 1, 2017, stories can be submitted, one entry per person, through an online form by November 1, 2017. There is no entry fee. A panel of judges from the local writing community will select the winning entries.

Ten third-place winners will receive a certificate, $10 from Mill Park Publishing, and will be introduced during a special program at the Family Tent on December 31.

Ten second-place entries will receive a certificate, $20 from Mill Park Publishing, and a copy of the book The Magic Potato.  They will be introduced during a special program at the Family Tent on December 31.

Five first-place winners will receive a certificate, $40 from Mill Park Publishing, and a copy of the book Gators & Taters: A Week of Bedtime Stories and a copy of The Magic Potato. The top 5 winners also will read their winning entries on stage at a special ceremony in the Family Tent on December 31.

farm third day

Mill Park Publishing recently released two updated, award-winning children’s books: Gators & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories and The Magic Potato. Local graphic artist Patrick Bochnak created the illustrations for both books.

Children related to officials of the Idaho Potato Drop or Mill Park Publishing aren’t eligible for  prizes but are encouraged to write a story.

More information will come from www.elaineambrose.com and Idaho Potato Drop.

 

Filed Under: blog

Handkerchiefs and Smiley Faces

May 12, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

Mom Handkerchiefs 3

 

My mother died near the end of 2014, and I continue to go through boxes of her possessions. I only complete a few boxes each month because the task is too daunting as I choose what to use, store, donate, or throw into the garbage. Throughout the process, I can feel her presence imploring me to keep it all; but I can’t.

A recent box yielded spiritual heirlooms from my grandmothers: a plastic cross stitched with yellow yarn, a needlepoint church, a tattered Holy Bible. Inside the box was a small, gold, cardboard box full of handmade handkerchiefs. Even though they were sturdy, practical farm women, my mother and grandmothers always carried delicate handkerchiefs when they left their homes. My maternal grandmother saved scraps of linen and fine cotton and fashioned the pieces into elegant works of art. She used a vibrant collection of thread as she embroidered delicate images of flowers and hemmed and tatted the edges. My mother saved dozens of them, and most were never used. I’ll give some to my daughter, daughter-in-law, and granddaughters, but they probably will save them but won’t use them, either.

Handmade hankies are relics from a distant past when women wore their Sunday dresses, gloves, and hats to church. They carried simple purses, a lace handkerchief, and a Bible. After church, they donned aprons and cooked dinner for the family. Life for my mother and grandmothers wasn’t easy, but through all the hard work for their families and dutiful allegiance to their husbands, they kept a fragment of elegance tucked into their purses.

mom pumpkin

Mom also owned more than a dozen Bibles. She had read each one, underlining favorite verses, scribbling in the margins, noting favorite sermons and preachers, and adding whimsical stickers. In her last years, the Bible in large type was her favorite. The last chapter, The Book of Revelations, is full of underlined verses in both red and black ink. On the last two pages, where the text proclaims that Jesus is coming again, she added two bright-yellow, smiley-face stickers.

What do I do with a dozen Bibles? I own several she has given me through the years. I could donate hers to family, churches, and retirement homes, but no one would know the devout woman who underlined verses, added stickers, and prayed constantly for her fractured family. I don’t want this chore.

mom wheelchair

While writing this essay, tears began to fall. I grabbed one of Grandma Morrison’s delicate handkerchiefs from the gold box and blotted my eyes. I’m sure I heard my mother and grandmother murmur together, “Use them, Elaine. They’re for you.” Then my mother would add, “Be sure to hand-wash them and only iron on low heat.” I’ll do that, Mom. Bless your heart, and Happy Mother’s Day.

Filed Under: blog

Lamenting the Loss of Literary Insults

May 8, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

shakespeare

 

At a recent live production, the word “motherf***er” was spoken, much to the delight and approval of the audience. I cringed at the offensive profanity, proving my lonely status as an ancient but lovable old fart. William Shakespeare, the great English poet and playwright who died more than 500 years ago, created a similar insult in his play Titus Andronicus with the words, “Villain, I have done thy mother.” Isn’t that better?

Profanity is mainstream in conversation, online sites, books, movies, blogs, and most school playgrounds. But some of us still refuse to write the f-word, and I resort to asterisks because I can’t do it. The word is brutal and vile, and lacks literary and lyrical language used in outdated manuscripts. Consider more of Shakespeare’s eloquent insults:

“You scullion. You rampallian. You fustilarian. I’ll tickle your catastrophe.”

Who wouldn’t be destroyed with this quote from Falstaff in Henry IV? Any fool can call someone a “son of a bitch.” To truly humiliate a foe with words, try this quote from King Lear:

“Thou art a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-liver’d, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.”

Shakespeare’s talent excelled beyond the boring insults of “asshole” or “creep.” His characters hurled creative verbal abuses such as “cream-faced loon,” “moldy rogue,” and “a toad; ugly and venomous.” Shakespeare was brilliant for destroying a character’s reputation with a single zinger: “Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.”

shakespeare sonnets

My current agitation with the decline of proper language was triggered by an official description printed on the registration form for a national nonfiction book award: “Entrant, or it’s duly authorized representative…” It’s elementary for this association to review its knowledge of basic grammar concerning “it’s” and “its.”

I’ve discovered that some current literary techniques and basic grammar rules are being discounted in favor of “creative license.” Imagine a book titled, “For Who the Bell Tolls” or “As I Lie Dying.” Does it make you cringe? Or, am I a useless curmudgeon, smacking my ruler on the knuckles of last century’s students?

I would love for some young writer to reply to my anguish by using some of Shakespeare’s more infamous insults:

“Thou elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!”

“Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows!”

“Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

Yes, I would appreciate the label of “luxurious mountain goat” over the crass and trailer-trash accusation of being a “motherf***er.” To paraphrase the Bard, to curse with wit and elegance or not to curse; that is the question.

Filed Under: blog

Midlife Happy Hour Receives 5-Star Review

May 8, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

Midlife Happy Hour received a rare  5-Star Review from ForeWord Reviews and is a finalist for Book of the Year in the Humor Category.

Midlife Happy Hour

Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos

Reviewed by Catherine Thureson
April 27, 2017

Ambrose’s work is funny, irreverent, and refreshing, and her advice is spot-on.

Elaine Ambrose’s Midlife Happy Hour is a humorous look at the life of a small-town farmer’s daughter who did not conform to the expectations of society or her family. Ambrose shares her story without apologies or regrets. In between the book’s funniest moments, she relates life lessons learned along the way.

The joys and perils of midlife are equally celebrated in this very funny book, whose author laughs her way through a wide variety of topics—from growing up in an age when women were expected to fill a very narrow role to fighting for career successes in the male-dominated corporate world. Ambrose recalls raising kids, growing older, and staying passionate about life.

Each chapter covers a different topic and can easily be read as a stand-alone essay. This makes the book very easy to enjoy in small sips, each as rich and enjoyable as the Cabernet the author is so fond of. It’s filled with laugh-out-loud moments and insights that can only come from someone who has lived a full life with plenty of ups and downs along the way.

The author has a wonderful sense of humor that makes even dark subjects, like the death of her mother, read lightly. She does not flinch from sharing her own embarrassments, such as a particularly harrowing experience trying to use the toilet in a fringe-covered dress. Each story is genuine and relatable.

In addition to its humor, the book is full of insights on how to get through life, advising women to take risks, avoid negativity, and enjoy relationships. Its best advice: “‘Keep laughing … That’s how we survive.’”

At times, Ambrose’s viewpoint does narrow, such as when she discusses grown children moving back home. She sees this as a problem, and doesn’t seem to consider the difficult circumstances that may contribute. Such moments are momentarily off-putting, but the tone of the work is not generally judgmental, and Ambrose aims her occasionally sharp pen at herself far more than at anyone else. Her views are her own, and, true to the message of the book, she is unafraid of expressing them.

Midlife Happy Hour is intended for audiences of sympathetic middle-aged women, those who are done raising families and struggling in their careers, by whom the author’s authentic voice stands to be embraced. Ambrose’s work is funny, irreverent, and refreshing, and her advice is spot-on.

Filed Under: blog

Life, Death, and Funeral Food

April 11, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

angel

I almost died today driving to a funeral, and I appreciate the irony and positive outcome of the circumstance.

The memorial service was 100 miles away in my home town and honored a woman I’d known my entire life. The drive would take two hours, so I turned on the cruise control and turned up the radio. As I traveled in the passing lane, an 18-wheel truck and trailer rumbled on the right, a steep embankment loomed on my left, and a hot-footed driver in a sports car menaced on my tail.

Suddenly a 5-gallon plastic bucket flew out of a truck in front of me. I was driving 80 miles an hour and had a split second to react.

I touched the break pedal so the back lights would warn Speedy Gonzales behind me and then I plowed into the bucket, shattering it into pieces. (A subsequent article will describe how to face your obstacles with full force.) My weary guardian angels knew it was better for me to smash than kick the bucket. No warming lights came on my dashboard and my windshield survived intact, so I kept driving.

If I had swerved right to avoid the bouncing bucket, I would be a special delivery grease spot on the side of a Federal Express truck. If I had dodged left, I’d still be rolling down the embankment. If I had braked hard, the NASCAR Wannabe behind me would have crashed through my car and impaled himself in the back of my head. I may be older, but the reflexes still work.

I slowed to a boring 70 miles per hour for the remainder of the trip and entered the church, saying a prayer of gratitude that I hadn’t sacrificed my life for a plastic bucket. The service was gentle, appropriate for the gracious, tender woman who had been my Sunday School teacher and 4-H leader. I couldn’t sing the songs anymore and missed the old, familiar hymnals. Who can sing looking at a Power Point presentation on the wall? Singers can’t read notes or know where to harmonize. I mumbled instead.

funeral food.jpg

After the funeral came the best part of the day: The Funeral Dinner. Nobody prepares dinners like the volunteer ladies of the Wendell Living Waters Presbyterian Church. People hunkered over the tables in search of comfort food, heaping their plates with pistachio salad, green bean casserole, baked ham, pasta salad, potato salad, homemade rolls, fresh apple pie and chocolate chip cookies. I knew better than to ask for wine because I respected the abstinence philosophy of the church. If I wanted wine, I’d attend a Catholic funeral.

funeral food 2.jpg

I chatted with the family members and reminisced about the good old days. When it was time to go, I shamelessly left a few business cards and drove two miles east of town to pass the house where I lived as a teenager. Dodging roadkill and tumbleweeds, I slowed when the house came into view. It remained glorious – a rock ship on a hill overlooking rolling acres of farmland. My father had it custom-built in 1963 and called it his castle. In my youth, I felt trapped there, similar to Rapunzel but without the pretty hair and Princess dress.

mom wendell house

After pondering the good and bad times in the house, I traveled to the cemetery where my parents and sister were buried. I fastened a colorful bell instrument next to the headstone and tightened the beaded necklace and Texaco mug left from a previous visit. We had a brief chat, and they told me to get home before dark and clean my room. I began the drive home, wary of deadly buckets.

headstone ambrose

Funerals and memorial services are important traditions in close communities. The break gave me time to honor my friend and provided a much-needed escape from the noisy and negative distractions of Internet, news, and social media. Arriving safely at home, I reflected on the events of the day. Dorothy Hagerman wasn’t famous on earth, but I know she is welcomed and celebrated in a better place. Thanks for the memories, Mrs. Hagerman. Please say hi to the folks.

Filed Under: blog

Funny Friends are Finalists for Book of the Year Award

March 16, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

 

amanda elaine book cover

The Foreword INDIES 2016 Book of the Year Awards honor the best books and authors from independent publishers. Chosen from thousands of entries from across the country, the finalists were announced this week and include two Idaho humor writers, Elaine Ambrose and Amanda AK Turner.

ForeWord Book of Year

The top three winners in the 19th annual awards program will receive either the prestigious Gold, Silver, or Bronze Awards and will be chosen after the final votes are judged and tabulated from librarians and booksellers. Winners in each genre—along with Editor’s Choice winners, and Foreword’s INDIE Publisher of the Year—will be announced during the 2017 American Library Association Annual Conference in Chicago on June 24, 2017.

Ambrose is a finalist for her book, Midlife Happy Hour. She won the Book of the Year Bronze Award for Humor in 2004 for her funny golf book, The Red Tease. Turner, a New York Times bestselling author, is a finalist for her book, Vagabonding with Kids. Both books were published by  Brown Books Publishing Group of Dallas, Texas.

happyhour_sketches_v3 vagabonding

Both authors served on the board of the Idaho Writers Guild, have performed in the popular “Life Sucks, Laugh Hard” live comedy shows, and collaborated on two books of humorous historical fiction, Drinking with Dead Women Writers and Drinking with Dead Drunks. Attendees of the Idaho Writers Guild conference in May can hear their latest readings at the “Life Sucks, Laugh Hard” performance with New York Times bestselling author Jen Mann.

drinking dead women writers coverdrinking dead drunks cover WittyWomen_Flyer_v2_OLF

As part of their mission to discover, review, and share the best books from small, university, and indie publishers (and authors), independent media company Foreword Reviews hosts its annual awards program each year. Finalists represent the best books published in 2016, and submitted to Foreword Reviews for award consideration, and were narrowed down by Foreword’s editors. A complete list of finalists can be found at:

https://awards.forewordreviews.com/finalists/2016/

“Choosing finalists for the INDIES is always the highlight of our year, but the choice was more difficult this time around due to the high quality of submissions,” said Victoria Sutherland, publisher of Foreword Reviews. “Each new book award season proves again how independent publishers are the real innovators in the industry.”

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #AK Turner, #humor, #Jen Mann, #Midlife Cabernet, book awards, Brown Books Publishing, Foreword Book of the Year, Midlife Happy Hour, Vagabonding with Kids

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