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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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My $625 Pillowcase

December 3, 2024 By Elaine Ambrose

 

This pillowcase is for my broken but resilient heart.

I made a mistake using an online payment center, and there is not one human being on earth who can help me. Here’s my latest story of imperfection:

My friend Connie McLeod in Louisiana creates unique and gorgeous pillowcases by “hammering” fresh flora onto cotton fabric. Through the process, pigments from the leaves and flowers transfer to the fabric as a stain. Last week, she posted photos on Facebook of her latest examples which included hempweed vine, vinca, cosmos, and oxalis from her garden.

I ordered two pillowcases at $75 each, and she sent me her Venmo account name.

Unfortunately, I sent the money to a person with a similar name – but not Connie. (Yes, I know this mess is all my fault, but the comedy of errors makes a good story.)

After realizing the mistake, Connie and I spent time and energy contacting Venmo to make corrections. Venmo does not respond to humans, even after calling, texting, and emailing the support team several times.

I sent $150 to Connie at the correct address on Venmo.

Because Venmo didn’t help, I canceled the incorrect payment through my bank account that is attached to Venmo and received a $20 charge to cancel the check. My bank took the fee but did not cancel the payment.

This pillowcase reminds me of hope and freedom.

Then, for reasons known only to mischievous trolls inside Venmo operations, they decided to pay both addresses again for another charge of $300. I tried for hours to explain the facts to Venmo through email, phone calls, and text messages.

Their support team said I could pay $5 for expert advice from an online source called “JustAnswer Team.” I paid $5 and discovered I had signed up for membership to a law firm that would charge me $55 a month. I had a few days to cancel, so I waited for the legal team to give me advice. They provided a form letter I could send to Venmo. I could have written the form letter myself. I cancelled the membership fee.

Now I cannot log into my Venmo account because it’s frozen unless I pay their extortion of $300. They will not take a smaller amount.

I can fly roundtrip from Boise to Baton Rouge, Louisiana for $600. My pillowcases are now at $625:

$150 – sent to wrong account

$150 – sent to correct account

$300 – extortion from Venmo to unfreeze my account

$  20 – cancel check fee

$    5 – Legal answer with potential $55 a month membership fee

I sent the expertly worded form letter to Venmo and am waiting for a robot to reply with the same answer: “Please contact our support team.”

There is one positive sparkle to this dark journey: I frantically sent a message to the “wrong” person and explained my mistake. She graciously returned the $150, so technically the current expenses are only $475.

I’m cautiously optimistic the pillowcases will arrive this week. I need them to cover some pillows so I can take a long nap.

Gratuitous plug: Besides pillowcases, Connie also creates other treasures, including note cards and framed art. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram. Her email is: [email protected]. Please notice: her name is Connie McLeod – not Connie McCloud.

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #botanicals, #customerservice, #hammeredart, #venmo, art

You Can Laugh with a Funny Dummy

March 30, 2023 By Elaine Ambrose

 

My seven puppets are preparing material and practicing their stories and songs to entertain folks in the Boise area. As the Puppet Master, I’m eager to hear what these dummies have to say. Watch more videos on my YouTube Channel:   Elaine Ambrose – YouTube

Click here for booking information:

Hire Elaine Ambrose and the Gang – Ventriloquist in Eagle, Idaho (gigsalad.com)

The performances range from five minutes to 20 minutes and can include one or multiple puppets. Acts can be tailored for children’s groups, adult business conferences, or a party with middle-aged women desperate for laughter. I also offer online chats with people who can’t leave their homes or care facilities, and the puppets can entertain and sing to someone in a care facility under Hospice care.

Outside the Boise area, I can Zoom to your party. Pick a puppet to sing “Happy Birthday” or tell a short story.

My gigs cost approximately $100 for 15 minutes. Cheap laughs!

Which puppet would you choose?

Jessie Jo from Idaho says to keep a song in your heart. She’ll be performing at the Moudy Mountain Summer Festival in McCall on June 24.

Aunt Delilah is from Britain. She loves to offer serious advice.

Aunt Olga from the Old Country is NOT politically correct.

Midlife Molly is hot! (Menopause and hot flashes)

Huckleberry Hannah is a fun country girl.

Officer Ricardo offers tips for following the law.

Wendell, an ordinary boy, is happy to be average.

 

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Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #humor, #Idaho, #Pubbets, #TheDummyShoppe, #VENTRILOQUISM, events, puppets

RUPTURE – A Short Story in Five Scenes

July 9, 2021 By Elaine Ambrose

1.

Julia was ten years old when her mother smacked her over the head with a tube of Pillsbury refrigerator biscuits. The can ruptured and eight Southern Homestyle clumps of molded dough wiggled from her brown hair onto the floor.

“Aha!” exclaimed her mother as she picked up the dough and arranged the raw biscuits on a cookie sheet. “That’s how you open these pesky cans.”

Helen had followed directions on the package, removed the label, and pressed the appropriate line with a spoon. Nothing happened. She twisted, pulled, added colorful language, and slammed the cardboard roll onto the counter. The stubborn tube refused to break.

With incredible bad timing, Julia happened to run into the kitchen and demand something to eat. That’s when her resourceful mother decided Julia’s head presented the perfect solution to the family’s dinnertime dilemma.

“Ouch!” yelled Julia, rubbing her head. “Why did you do that?”

“So you’ll have something to eat,” her mother responded as she slid the pan into the oven. “Dinner will be ready soon.”

Helen glanced in the mirror to straighten her skirt and smooth her frizzy blonde hair.

Julia made a mental note never again to demand food, especially from her mother. She knew none of her friends had mothers who would smack them in the head with a can of dough. They were lucky.

2. 

Dinner commenced when her dad Hank, a big man with gnarled hands, and her two older brothers James and Teddy, skinny boys with shaggy brown hair and freckles, tumbled into the kitchen after working all day on the farm. After a quick wash in the kitchen sink, they sat down as Julia’s mother scurried to bring a platter of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, a bowl of green bean casserole, and a basket of biscuits with butter.

“These biscuits aren’t homemade,” mumbled Hank, washing down the warm bread with a large glass of milk.

“Didn’t have time to bake from scratch today,” Helen said, trying not to sound defensive. “The hose in the garden ruptured and almost ruined my carrots. I had to repair the hose and replant some vegetables.”

Hank grunted, so James and Teddy grunted, too. Julia watched in silence as the family finished the meal, all of them sopping the potatoes with the biscuits. Her head still hurt.

After dinner, Helen and Julia remained in the kitchen to wash the dishes while her father and brothers retired to sit outside on the porch. Julia could see a dim red glow as her father took a drag on his cigarette, followed by the usual coughing and spitting.

“Why does he still smoke?” Julia asked, stacking a dish in the drainer.

“He’ll cut back once the harvest is finished,” Helen replied. “You know it’s a stressful time.”

“I’m having a stressful time, and I don’t smoke,” Julia said. “I’d rather kick something or holler outside. Maybe I could smack someone with a can of biscuits.”

Julia glanced to her side and noticed her mother biting her lip.

“Someday you’ll be blessed with a family, and you’ll understand,” Helen said with a tone of voice more weary than usual. “I’m sorry about your head. But it came in handy.”

They both laughed and finished the dishes.

3.

The next morning, Hank pounded on Julia’s bedroom door. “Get up,” he called. “We need your help today to finish the potato harvest.”

Julia pulled on her work clothes and boots and joined the family in the kitchen. Breakfast was simple: hotcakes and bacon. In the hurry to go to work, James knocked the plastic syrup bottle onto the floor, and Teddy accidentally stopped on it. The bottle ruptured and a gooey mess spread across the room.

“Out!” ordered Helen as she reached for towels to clean the syrup. Julia followed her father and brothers outside to the pickup truck. She glanced back at her mother on her knees wiping the floor. Julia decided she might not want to be blessed with a family.

4.

They worked all day bringing in the last load of potatoes from the back 40 acres. Julia stood on the harvester pulling out weeds while James drove the truck. Her dad and Teddy rode beside the truck to collect the potatoes as they tumbled over the conveyor belt. Twilight cast long shadows over the cellar as Hank shoveled the final pile of dirty potatoes.

Suddenly Hank stopped, clutched his chest, and dropped to the ground. His three children screamed at him to get up, but he wouldn’t move. James ran to the house for his mother. She quickly called for an ambulance and ran to the field with water and a blanket.

Teddy sat on the ground, clutching his knees and rocking. Julia held her father’s large, weathered hand and watched as his chest heaved in spasms until it stopped moving. A deep sigh came from his mouth, and he was gone. She let go of his hand when the paramedics wheeled him away to the ambulance.

“He suffered a ruptured abdominal aneurysm,” the doctor explained later at the hospital. “At least he went quickly. A rupture of this type is common among smokers.”

Helen and her children drove home in silence. Friends and other family members arrived and filled the house with tearful stories, mugs of coffee, and plates of pie. Julia escaped to her room and opened her journal.

“My dad died,” she wrote. “I don’t know how to feel. I hope I remember the sound of his voice.”

5.

A few years later, James left for trade school and Teddy joined the Army. Helen sold the farm and moved into town to work at the library. After graduating from high school, Julia worked for a local veterinarian and saved money to buy a used car. It was a blue Toyota with one red door.

Her mother was sitting on the porch when Julia drove up in the car.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“You’re breaking my heart,” Helen said. “I feel like life has ruptured me into shattered pieces that can’t be mended.”

Julia sat beside her mother. She could stay, but there was no future in the small farming community. In the distance, a mourning dove cooed a simple solo.

“I’ll always carry your strength and goodness,” Julia said. “But I want and need a chance to see what is beyond this place, and I want to go where the road takes me.”

Julia noticed her mother’s hair had become gray and brittle, her hands rippled with veins, and her eyes were tired. Julia’s heart softened.

“Give me your blessing, Mama.”

Helen patted her daughter’s hand. “Go tomorrow,” she said. “You have my blessing, but don’t forget me.”

The next morning, Julia backed the Toyota out of the driveway. Helen stood at the door and waved until the car was out of view. She whispered, “I want to go with you.” Julia didn’t hear her mother’s plea as she turned up the music on the car radio and accelerated toward the freeway.

 

©Elaine Ambrose

(Rejected submission for The Cabin’s anthology, Rupture: Writers in the Attic.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #Cabin Literary Center, #rejection, #short story, anthology, storyteller

Algorithms aren’t Amusing

February 4, 2021 By Elaine Ambrose

I’m a goofy grandmother from Idaho who enjoys making humorous memes. The only profit I receive or want is from laughs and likes from readers. I recently posted a meme on Facebook and Instagram, and the super-sensitive censors on Instagram instantly slapped a warming on it. A few people said my meme was removed from their timeline. Here is the horrible, offensive meme:

In my opinion, a good story, joke, or meme requires three elements: fact, irony, and a funny punch line. My meme was based on fact: I was in the Liquor Store (on research) and noticed a sign limiting tonic water to four bottles. I asked the clerk why, and he said because a rumor on social media said the ingredient in tonic water prevented or cured the C-virus. (I’m not spelling the name because there are rooms full of investigating spies who follow instructions to doom anyone who posts a joke about said disease.)

I went home with my gin and precious tonic and researched. Yes, I found the claim is untrue, so I wrote in my meme that it was a myth. I ended with a humorous line. That’s it. No one was injured, insulted, or misled by my meme. But, it still has a disclaimer attached.

One of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, would not have existed in this punitive climate of humor judges on social media. Without irony and satire, we’re slowly becoming compliant and complacent robots marching to the beat of a crabby drummer.

I will continue to make my memes until my accounts are deleted by some nefarious computer algorithm hiding in the dark bowels of social media. In the words of Aunt Olga, one of my favorite meme characters, “I no give a sheet.”

Here are some of my favorite memes:

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #algorithm, #censor, #socialmedia, #tonic, memes

Don’t Take Photos in Public Restrooms

December 3, 2019 By Elaine Ambrose

Grocery shopping is at the top of my list of “Things Never to Do During Thanksgiving Week.” Of course, I seldom obey my own rules, so I was at the store on the afternoon before Thanksgiving squeezing my laden cart through the aisles full of intense people all in a mad frenzy to spend hundreds of dollars so they could work several hours to prepare food some guests wouldn’t like in order to give thanks.

I was half done with my long list when my body betrayed me as it usually does during stressful times. I had to go to the bathroom. I maneuvered my cart close to the restroom and parked it near the door, hoping no one would take the cans of water chestnuts because they were too difficult to find. In a hurry to finish my business and return to shopping, I accidentally dropped my precious list into the toilet.

Under normal circumstances, I would have flushed away my problems, but I needed that list. I still could read the words but didn’t want to reach in and pull out a soggy piece of paper, so I did the next best thing: I took a photograph on my cell phone. Yes, I did.

I continued shopping while focusing on the photo of the essential items. I found everything except a spice identified with a complicated name. I needed the spice for a new recipe. A busy store employee dashed by, and I grabbed his arm and showed him the photo on my phone.

“Do you know where I can find this?” I asked.

The employee stared at my phone and then at me and back at the phone.

“Do you need to find the restroom?” he asked, backing away.

I looked at my phone and there it was: a photo of a toilet bowl. Apparently, he assumed the floating list was used toilet paper. I stammered apologies and quickly pushed my cart to the next aisle, almost wiping out a senior citizen riding a travel scooter. I decided I didn’t want the spice with the fancy name.

While waiting in the checkout line, I frantically tried to delete the photo from my cell phone. Somehow in my flustered desperation, I accidentally posted it to my public Instagram Account. I regularly post photos to Instagram, so it was a natural habit.

“Oh, no!” I wailed. “I just showed my toilet on the Internet!”

As I was pounding the delete button on the now-public photo, a kind customer service representative came over and pushed my cart to a special checkout line. She spoke in a soothing voice usually reserved for manic shoppers in need of medication. I finally deleted the photo, paid for the groceries, and found my car. As I drove away, I waved farewell to the grocery store. I can never return.

Next time, I’ll chose a short shopping list.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #Thanksgiving, groceries, Humor, midlife, shopping, shopping list

In Mom’s Memory, I’m Cycling Without Age

August 4, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

mom spring creek

On Saturday, July 22, I was researching online for an article for my blog aimed at middle-aged women and happened to find a link to a group based in Europe called Cycling Without Age. I watched the video and immediately decided to get involved. I read the facts, completed an application to be an affiliate, added a story about my sweet mother who passed away in 2014 and about my wee granddaughter with special needs, and emailed the information.

At first, I was reluctant to take on another obligation. I’m in my sixties and still active as a writer, publisher, wife, mother, and grandmother. But I felt the memory of my mother, Leona Ambrose, encouraging me to take on one more project. I decided to do it for both of us. She lived five years in an assisted living facility and was confined to a wheelchair. She would have loved being escorted outside on a bicycle taxi. And my granddaughter would have been sitting beside her, laughing out loud with the experience. And their stories would have been glorious.

After receiving an email that I had been accepted as an affiliate, I began to organize the first chapter in Idaho. Already there are volunteers to help raise funds for the cost of a “trishaw” and to help with other expenses. Volunteers have offered to be “pilots” or the ones who pedal and steer the motorized cycles. Another person has offered to chart maps of potential rides around the towns of Eagle, Meridian, Garden City, and Boise, Idaho. I’ll work with area assisted living facilities to start the initial excursions. We hope to have our trishaw sometime this fall.

cycling without age pilot buttonOur little group is part of the international change-making movement creating life-affirming bike rides and relationships between residents and voluntary pilots. The not-for-profit organization offers bike rides for free and the volunteer pilots don’t receive a salary. The rewards are beyond any monetary compensation.

The organization started in 2012 by Ole Kassow of Copenhagen, Denmark. He wanted to find a way to help elderly citizens enjoy bicycling again. He met with a civil society consultant from Copenhagen, Dorthe Pedersen, and they formed the initial group with the purchase of five trishaws. The organization quickly spread throughout Europe and now is peddling into 30 countries around the world. There are more than 225 chapters with more than 8,000 volunteer pilots.

Kassow’s original vision holds true as thousands of elderly people are getting away from their nursing homes, out on the bikes to enjoy the fresh air and the community around them. As Kassow says, they have the right to wind in their hair.

cycling without age photo 3

As a writer, I was intrigued by the storytelling aspect of the program. The pilots actively encourage the older people to tell their stories as they go on their journeys. Many have compelling accounts of wonderful adventures, historical moments, and poignant tales that would be lost if no one listened to them. Pilots are trained to document and preserve the stories, and one book already has been released. Through storytelling, a simple bike ride becomes a rewarding experience for both rider and pilot.

To learn more about Cycling Without Age, follow the organization on Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,  and LinkedIn.

 

Filed Under: blog

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