Humor

How to Write Humor – The Outline

June 6, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

(Here’s my outline for “How to Write Humor.” I give this presentation for workshops andpresentations at various conferences.)

Risk to Writing Humor
1. What if they don’t laugh? What if they do?
2. Do you laugh or cringe at your own sentence?
3. Improve humor writing skills by reading, writing, and analyzing what makes you laugh.
Elements of Humor – Choose a topic that combines at least two:
1. Witty, clever, new twist
2. Surprise, spontaneous, unexpected
3. Bizarre, odd, absurd, not routine
4. Ironic, shocking, mock frustration
5. Naughty, obsessive, titillating
6. Satirical, spoof, roast
7. Self-depreciating, but don’t overdo it or audience will believe you’re a loser

Writing Humor is Serious Work
1. If you’re not funny, don’t write humor. Please.
2. Don’t throw every gimmick and hope it works.
3. Be original and creative. Find your niche.
4. Edit, again and again. No one likes a long joke.
5. Remember what makes you laugh as you write.
6. Profanity is similar to hot spice: use it sparingly.
7. Tie the end of the story or anecdote back to the beginning.
8. Read your work out loud.
9. Know your audience. Midlife humor won’t work for male teenage science students.
10. Read other comedy writers: David Sedaris, Jill Conner Browne, George Carlin.
Erma Bombeck – Still Funny, Twenty Years after Her Death
1. I don’t ski because of all the ambulances.
2. I would jog to hear heavy breathing again.
3. He who laughs…lasts.

Examples of Humor in My Books

Menopause Sucks – Quotes
1. It’s a crying shame you could live to be 100 but only 20 of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach.
2. Estrogen is the chemical commander-in-chief. Imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Make that boob bigger.”
3. After perimenopause – “Attention all sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.”
Midlife Cabernet – Quotes
1. I never intended to be divorced in my forties, but it happened. If love is blind, I need a white cane instead of a wedding dress.
2. Unless your mother-in-law is a convicted felon or a pole dancer at the Kit Kat Klub, you should spend quality time with her.
3. There are more than 250 million adults in the US, and each one started as a baby. They grew up and moved out, so there’s a high probability yours will, too.
4. I used to feed my little ones with a spoon shaped like an airplane. Now they open their mouths every time they hear a plane.
Establish Your Humor Identity
1. Name, title, blog, logo, key audience
2. Join and participate in online humor writing groups.
3. Find speaking opportunities
4. Exploit success – viral and award-winning blogs
5. Be active on social media sites
6. Create humorous memes to promote your brand
7. Middle-aged women – my target audience – will appreciate this meme:

Explore Opportunities to Expand Your Reach
1. Collaborate with another author on a book.
2. Apply to speak at conferences.
3. Weekly test public reaction to your posts
Keep Learning new Technologies
1. Use various apps to copyright and date. Use Enlight app to distort photos.
2. Know how to create and insert photos and videos.
3. Save and recycle samples of your best writing.
4. Keep a notebook for jokes, spontaneous ideas, people-watching, personal incidents, and funny quotes.
Make Laugher, Make Money, and Make the World a Happier Place
1. Sell on the popularity of your sparkling, creative wit.
2. Give paid speeches and sell products at full retail after the speeches.
3. Makes notes and evaluate after every presentation to improve experience
4. Remember to keep laughing because the world needs humor.
5. If all else fails, use a prop: Finger Puppets

Elaine Ambrose uses and distributes finger puppets in some of her keynote speeches.

Elaine Ambrose, Bestselling Author, Syndicated Blogger, Humorist

Website: elaine@elaineambrose.com, Email: elaine@elaineambrose.com

©ElaineAmbrose2018

The Splendid Joy of Writing Humor

June 6, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

Receiving Award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Maureen Dowd

My stylish but functional carry-on bag is waiting to be packed for tomorrow’s flight to Cincinnati, Ohio for the National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference. The association is for writers of serial essays, including columnists and bloggers. My goal as a humor writer is to cause at least one person to laugh or maybe snort coffee when reading my blog posts. Apparently, my goal was achieved because I’m receiving another award for humor writing.

At last year’s conference, I received the honor from Pulitzer Prize winner Maureen Dowd. My winning essays included an irreverent collection of political commentaries from sarcastic animals. This year’s winning entry included a travel post because I’d rather be stranded in a haunted airport full of carnivorous dung beetles and feral spiders than write about politics. It’s not funny anymore. I wrote about last year’s award in a piece titled “Humor in E-Flat Alto.” It’s a tribute to my band teacher who told me I wasn’t funny.

Joining funny writers Lee Gaitan and Molly Stevens at NSNC.

The schedule for this year’s conference features excellent speakers and topics, and I’m eager to join provocative debates, learn new techniques, and see friends from across the country.

Here is one of my three entries for the 2018 humor competition:

Stepping and Schlepping Off the Plane

After completing a 14-hour journey from Sag Harbor, New York to Boise, Idaho, I’m convinced the standard travel attire for passengers includes ripped clothes, disheveled hair, and a grumpy attitude. I felt positively radiant in my coordinated knit ensemble, complete with a patient smile. As I cued in line for the privilege to sit in a toddler-sized space for four hours, I reminisced about a forgotten time when traveling was a luxurious pleasure.

Years ago, when I was fancy and corporate, I often visited an exclusive dress shop in downtown Boise. The proprietor, a thin and elegant woman named Dorothy, was hanging onto age 50 with clenched but manicured fingernails. She exuded all things classy and could have posed for a 1950s cigarette ad. Her arched eyebrow raised even higher whenever I entered. She liked me but mourned my conservative fashion sense and untoned body. I was on the D-List of Preferred Clients.

Once I needed a business outfit for a conference out of state. She welcomed me with bangled arms and air kisses and proceeded to collect various outfits to hang in a dressing room.

“This one is perfect,” she gushed as she held up a white sweater with white pants. “You’ll look fabulous as you step off the plane.”

“I’ll look like an albino ox,” I replied. “And what’s the fuss about stepping off the plane? Most of the passengers are wearing flannel pajama pants and stained sweatshirts as they stumble to baggage claim. I could be roller skating in a potato sack on fire with live rats dancing on my head and no one would notice.”

Dorothy sighed. “Where has all the glamour gone?” She replaced the white ensemble and added a serious navy-blue dress with a red collar.

“At least add a splash of color,” she begged.

I liked the dress and purchased it for the trip. After the plane landed, I entered the terminal and paused for a moment to pose as Dorothy would prefer. A young mother pushing a stroller the size of a recliner crashed into my legs, snagging my pantyhose. She mumbled an apology while throwing fish crackers to her crying toddler and ambled down the corridor in a mass of harried, hurried people.

I limped down to the taxis and reflected on the time when travelers wore their best clothes. Typical attire included men in suits with ties and women in dresses and hats, some with gloves. Children and pets were rare and properly packaged. Passengers who stepped off the plane indicated they had, indeed, arrived.

I don’t work for a corporation anymore, so when traveling I opt for a more casual, practical outfit such as black leggings and a black and white tunic. At my age it really doesn’t matter anymore because women over 50 are invisible to the huddled masses yearning to simultaneously read their cell phones and walk while ignoring the repetitive message from Big Sister, “Do Not Leave Your Luggage Unattended!”

Yesterday I️ had two hours before my next flight so stopped at the wine bar in the airport and ordered a Cabernet. A sophisticated older woman also sat at the bar. She wore a red knit suit with white pearls and her hair was full enough to hide small treasures. Her exquisite fingers curved around the wine glass as she smiled and offered a silent toast. I️ returned her gesture, thankful to no longer be invisible. After finishing her drink, she gathered her designer bags and sashayed from view as I heard the distant music from Nat King Cole singing, “Unforgettable.” I imagined her name was Dorothy.

Laughing with Erma Bombeck and Friends

April 27, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

(Note: This is my 600^th blog post, and it’s dedicated to Erma Bombeck.)

Erma Bombeck was the original Mommy Blogger – without all the alcohol and swear words. I thought I was doing great with 600 blog posts, but that pales in comparison to her 4,000 newspaper columns. Also, she got a regular paycheck for her humor and earned $1 million a year. I eagerly publish free essays on my website and hope someone likes them enough to consider paying $17 for my latest book. I’m just like Erma, but different.

Erma Bombeck’s columns were read twice a week by 30 million readers of 900 newspapers throughout the country. I don’t have quite that many followers, but I did achieve a few viral syndicated posts that attracted readers around the world. The esteemed subjects were about farting, my mother’s casket getting lost, and why politicians resemble braying animals. I think Erma would have liked them.

I try to emulate the famous wit and wisdom she used to transform ordinary family life into hilarious scenarios. My target audience is middle-age women, but that’s now a shameless exaggeration unless I live past 132. I’ve passed the expiration date for midlife and am stumbling beyond the precarious matron category into full-blown senior citizen status. But, I continue to write because she would want me to do that. Her light on earth was cut short at age 69, and I’m in my sixties, so there is no time to waste. I daily grease my wrinkled fingers, squint through my high-intensity eyeglasses, hunch over my large-type document, and focus on adding one more paragraph. “What would Erma do?” is my mantra.

The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, Ohio, created in 2,000 at the University of Dayton, is the largest national workshop for humor writers. It endures because the world is too crabby, and people want to laugh again and be with funny, positive friends. Attendees hope to belong to that unique club designated for readers and writers of humor. Laughter is the best medicine, and we come on a sacred pilgrimage for the healing power of another belly laugh.

I attended my first EBWW in 2014. I didn’t know anyone and resembled the proverbial goofball in a world of Elite Comedic Thespians. But, they allowed me into their playhouse and we laughed until we cried. I was chosen to perform in the Stand-Up Comic Night show, and I loved the experience. I gained numerous friends, and even the cool kids talked to me.

For the 2016 Workshop, I was honored to present two workshops: “How to Turn Your Blog into a Book” and “How to Write Funny.” The importance of the opportunity became almost too much for this shy farm girl from Idaho, but I plugged in my Power Point and took the stage as if I knew what I was doing. I imagined Erma in the front row. I think she laughed at some of my jokes.

I recently returned from the 2018 Conference, and my body is still sore from all the laughter and bear hugs. The schedule was packed with excellent sessions, enlightening presenters, and some of the best speakers I’ve ever heard. The main conference started on Thursday, April 5 with a dinner at the Marriott. Keynote speaker Liza Donnelly, award-winning cartoonist with The New Yorker magazine, delighted the audience with humorous cartoons and clever comments. She introduced a world of humor writing many of us hadn’t considered.

On Friday morning, I learned advice from bestselling authors through Jessica Strawser’s excellent session. The next workshop featured my friends Anne Parris and Tracy Beckerman as they discussed website productivity. Even for an old crone, I was able to learn new and productive ideas for my site.

Faye Griffin provided the highlight for Friday afternoon with her inspirational session about writing with humor and heart. I want to be BFFs with her. Friday evening I was delighted to participate in a book signing as an author in the new book, Laugh Out Loud – 40 Women Humorists Celebrate Then and Now…Before We Forget. I sat beside Michelle Poston Combs and considered adopting her.

Saturday’s workshops included the memoir writing session and an excellent presentation about branding from Cindy Ratzlaff. I participated in the Pitchapalooza and received encouraging advice from publishing expert Jane Friedman.

In my opinion, the keynote speakers were the highlight of the Conference. Liza Donnelly, Rita Davenport, Karen Walrond, John Grogan, and Monica Piper provided a lineup that will be difficult to equal. Davenport and Piper had me gasping for breath between punchlines. I also appreciate the participation of Erma Bombeck’s sons, Matt and Andy. Unfortunately, Anne Bardsley and I couldn’t convince them to travel on a comedy tour with us.

I have pages of notes to read, links to follow, and action items to complete, but the EBWW 2018 has renewed and energized my determination to write and finish a few more projects. It’s my goal to balance negative complaints with some cheerful chuckles. My mentor Erma encourages me to keep writing and not have a single bit of talent left at the end of my life. So, that’s what I’ll do.

One of the best compliments I’ve received for my writing is from Foreword Reviews: “Elaine Ambrose’s Midlife Cabernet: Life, Love & Laughter after Fifty is an Erma Bombeck-esque tribute to women who are over fifty and ready to explore life on new terms.”

I don’t want to be -esque to anyone else, ever.

My Graduation Speech: Avoid Crabby People, Loans, and Old Baggage

March 30, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

It’s almost time for graduation! In my commencement address to graduates of the College of Southern Idaho, I implored them to avoid student loans, to enjoy being from a small community, and to never save a bottle of breast milk for 20 years. Worthy advice, indeed. Here’s the speech on YouTube:

How to Survive Menopause without Getting Arrested

March 28, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

Approximately 6,000 women enter menopause every day in the United States. That means by Friday, we could populate a small town with sweating, crying inhabitants with indigestion and hairy toes. By the end of the month, we could have a city the size of Gilbert, Arizona with 180,000 women helplessly hurled into hormonal havoc. Get out of their way because some of them are in a testy mood.

It’s a crying shame that we could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. Only the strongest species on earth could survive hot flashes, incontinence, hair loss, age spots, uncontrollable flatulence, and erratic mood swings after forty. Someone give us a crown and a plate of cookies!

While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges. For the most part, every single symptom of menopause is caused by one reason, and one reason alone: hormones. It seems that your body makes several different kinds of hormones that love to cavort through your body and play havoc with your sanity. Two major players are called estrogen and progesterone. In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!” As with most power-hungry rascals, estrogen likes to change the rules every now and then just to confuse you.

As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.

But why not make it a multi-generational issue! It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat. Don’t give up! Soon, these symptoms will pass and you’ll be too old to remember anything.

To survive the physical and mental annoyances that assault your body and mind during menopause, here are some helpful suggestions that have absolutely no basis in medical fact:

Take all your pointy-toed shoes and line them up in the driveway. Then drive over them several times before you throw them away. Your feet will feel fabulous and you’ll get rid of some latent aggression.
Cool your steaming head with a boxes of frozen diet food that have been languishing in your freezer for the past ten years. You’re never going to eat them anyway so you might as well put them to good use.
The next time a telemarketer calls, start explaining your ailments and frustrations in graphic detail. Don’t stop until the caller starts to cry. Then hang up.
Feeling lonely? Email your friends that you’ve decided to give all your money to that nice young man who emailed from Nigeria. Then sit back and wait for them to scurry over for a visit.
If you experience uncontrollable urges to shop and eat (and who doesn’t), just blame it all on menopause. You can shop and eat for less than $30 if you wander through the aisles at Costco and feast on all the free samples. Then buy a case of wine, a huge jar of chocolate covered peanuts, and a twelve-pound pie and then call your friends over for a party. To be prudent, don’t forget the year’s supply of toilet paper.
Symptoms of menopause can make you forgetful and absent-minded. Write your kid’s names on their foreheads with a Magic Marker Pen so you don’t have to go through the irritation of memorizing their names every day.
Menopause can make you magnificent! That’s baloney, but claim that as your mantra if it makes you feel better. Remember, this all will pass someday and then you’ll be too old to care anymore.

The main goals of surviving menopause are to stay alive and to sleep with both legs under the covers. If we can achieve these noble visions and avoid arrest, we’ll laugh all the way to bingo night at the Senior Center.

Adapted from the book Menopause Sucks by Joanne Kimes and Elaine Ambrose.

Published by Adams Media.