Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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A Scholarly Defense of Class Clowns

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elaine santa 68

Psychologists, well-meaning intellectuals, and exasperated teachers will claim that the class clown is a disruptive, annoying problem-child who is disguising deep emotional pain by acting like an amateur comedian just to get attention. I say that’s academic nonsense because some funny people just like to cause laughter and that’s SO much better than instigating food fights in the cafeteria. I often played the coveted role of Santa Claus at my school’s parent-student Christmas parties, mainly because I was funny but also because my parents didn’t want to be seen with me in public.

Reflecting upon my irreverent behavior in school, I now want to apologize to all my teachers because I was the student from hell. Just ten minutes into a boring lecture, I would fake farts or sing songs from Fiddler on the Roof just so I could get thrown out of class amid guffaws from my snickering comrades in the back of the room. I have such fond memories of vocalizing “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” on my way to the principal’s office. Upon returning to class, I would often hum the more serious version of “Sunrise, Sunset.” Nothing signified contrite redemption like a poignant tribute to oppressed peasants solemnly singing about being laden with happiness and tears.

But I take solace in the words of notable experts who have studied the complex and compelling cornucopia of class clowns. For example, Dr. Maximus Foghorne, renowned specialist in adolescent behavior, noted that young people who desire to provoke laughter from a random audience often exhibit brilliant personal and professional success later in life.

“My studies indicate that society is far too critical of emerging performance and comedic personalities in early developmental stages associated with chronic boredom and the blameless inability to conform to preordained standards of serious decorum,” said Dr. Foghorne. “Obviously, the spirited and independent child should be celebrated and not condemned for outbursts relating to exuberant and animated behavior which often combines excessive energy with wicked wit to be channeled into outstanding achievements throughout adulthood.”

His astute assessments are endorsed by the esteemed Revival Center for Boisterous Behavior and Clinical Comedic Studies at the University of Clownhaven in Thesaurus, Italy.

“Playwrights, theologians, and itinerant thespians concur that the delicate line between absurdity and horror is reflected in our inherent ability to discern humor from tragedy,” said Credence Clearwater, PhD. and Director of the Revival Center. “What manifests as irritating immaturity is actually extraordinary genius frolicking in a grand masquerade into the ballroom of life. We should savor time spent with jesters and learn from their impertinent actions.”

Other professionals concur that the class clown should be tolerated and even praised for introducing sporadic bursts of joyful chaos into a regimented routine that without levity inevitably leads to disillusionment and disaster. So for now, let’s pay homage and offer sincere respect to silly people who can instigate laughter while writing complete fabrications as they present assorted falsehoods as total fact with unsubstantiated opinions. Just because the noted specialists in this article don’t really exist doesn’t mean they don’t really exist. Fun and fantasy trump reality every time. If you can’t be the class clown, sit near one and enjoy the show.

 

Published Today on HuffPo and Midlife Boulevard

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Two of my essays were published today on two wonderful sites: Huffington Post and Midlife Boulevard:

 

The Day I Totally Nailed It

On Midlife Boulevard, I tell the true but agonizing tale of the time my toenails plopped into my soup at an exclusive private club.

toes in water

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elaine-ambrose/candy-trains_b_6276154.html

 

On Huffington Post 50, I describe our 30-year-old family tradition of making candy trains.

candy trains e and a

Are You a Victim of CRAP on the Internet?

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I have CRAP Disease, a malady that stands for Compulsive Reader of Angry Posts. I know that certain messages on social media will cause sniveling trolls to wake from their burrow in the basement to slobber over their keyboards, grunt with excitement, and feverishly hurl illiterate, nasty, and incoherent comments. I start to read them anyway, even though I’ll regret seeing proof that colossal fools live among us and threaten to rot the fragile fabric of civilization.

CRAP disease can infest your soul and leave you a cynical, bitter wretch full of CRAP. Be careful, or you also could become a victim.

Here’s how to determine if you’re susceptible to becoming a Compulsive Reader of Angry Posts.

  1. You read comments that others leave on online news articles. Big mistake. Trolls think they know more than elected officials, trained media personnel, and educated professionals. Facts aren’t necessary. They will write just to infect you because they love being full of CRAP and want to share.
  2. You are uncontrollably attracted to comments that include multiple exclamation points!!! Yes, the writer really, really, really wants to shout at strangers. Fight the urge to debate or you’ll end up with CRAP.
  3. You are fascinated with public display of ignorance. We’ve all chuckled at the vitriolic comment that says, “Your an idiot!” Proper grammar and maturity aren’t priorities to people full of CRAP.
  4. You feel a need to help stupid people. Sometimes you’ll gently correct a grammatical or factual error written by someone with limited understanding of basic communication skills. That is another mistake. They will turn on you like a pack of rabid dogs and not let go until you are forced to destroy all your social media accounts, set fire to all your computers and Internet devices, move to a foreign country, and hang a CRAP quarantine sign on your door. If you have a door.
  5. You are a blogger. Beware of the inherent dangers if you post a saucy, 600-word essay on a popular website. The trolls will foam at the mouth and you can almost feel the spray of spit as they pound out snarky remarks besmirching your character, your talent, and your ancestors. Reacting to these comments only will propel you onto the slippery slope toward the cesspool of CRAP.

If you need a CRAP fix, you can dabble in the occasional comment, but be ready to take some vomit-inducing drugs to purge your mind and body of the offensive swill. For example, recently a local television news station posted a Facebook message about a tragic accident where a bicyclist had been hit and killed in traffic. Here is an excerpt from one of the prolific commenters:

“This is the worst state in the united stares…i have been driving sense i was 17…man you people are dumb as a bag rocks were did you get your licenses again bahahahahahaha”

I shouldn’t be so critical, but it’s remarkable to have that many errors in such a short comment. And, as usual, the troll snorted that the rest of us were as “dumb as a bag rocks.” Obviously, my CRAP sensor intensified after reading this and I needed medication to recover. I shut down the computer, poured a glass of wine, and enjoyed a quiet evening free from trolls. Bahahahahahaha.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six Silly Thanksgiving Memories of Mom

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mom pumpkin

My mother died on November 1, so this is our first Thanksgiving without her. To make the occasion less painful, I’ve decided to think of funny things she used to do before dementia took her away. For space constraints, the long list has been pruned to only six memories.

  1. Turkey pudding. My mother overcooked the Thanksgiving turkey for two days. For some reason, she thought she was a pilgrim doing a slow-roast over a pit behind the covered wagon so she set the bird in the oven before midnight on low heat and basted it every hour. As a result, she was tired by dinner the next day and the turkey had lost all its shape as the butterball morphed into turkey pudding hanging off the carcass.
  2. Sinking the gravy boat. Because the turkey took all the space in the oven, she cooked the green bean casserole, the potatoes, the gravy, and the stuffing on the stove – all at the same time. She wrapped bread rolls in tin foil and stuffed them around the turkey until they hardened into crusty dough balls. When the gravy was thick enough to stand on its own without a pan, it was time to eat.
  3. Death by sugar. Mom thought there should be a dessert per person. If a dozen guests were coming for dinner, there would be at least four pies, four cakes, and four platters of fudge. Pants and belts were adjusted accordingly.
  4. Cutest cook ever. She required real whipped cream on the pies, so she would aggressively operate her trusty hand mixer like a frantic high-speed drill until the cream was two seconds shy of becoming real butter. She wore a festive, handmade apron over her best holiday sweatshirt, so she resembled a jolly, plump elf scurrying about the kitchen.
  5. Pilfering the pie. My mom loved my aunt’s sweet potato pie and assumed it was a healthy dish because it used a vegetable, despite the butter, brown sugar, pecans, and marshmallow sauce. She would sneak a bowl for herself and hide it behind the pickles in the back of the refrigerator. She later grinned with delight about her sneaky accomplishment.
  6. Her signature dishes. Like a dutiful drill sergeant, she organized the girls and women-folk to hand-wash all the dishes after the meal while the men meandered to the living room to pat their bellies and watch football. She took great pride in dividing leftovers into equal portions and filling Tupperware containers and Corningware dishes for guests to take home. To insure her items were identified and returned, she used fingernail polish to paint her initials on all the containers. I now have stacks of dishes sporting faded red initials “LA.”

This Thanksgiving, the family will come together to toast the holiday and give thanks for our abundant blessings. Some things will remain the same: commotion will come from the children’s table, the men will wrestle for the last turkey leg, and I will declare that red wine goes with turkey – and everything else. The most noticeable difference will be the empty chair at the table. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Maybe I’ll sneak a bowl of sweet potatoes for you. Thanks for the funny memories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have You Laughed 17 Times Today?

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laughing head

What’s with all the gloomy people walking around mumbling and complaining? Don’t they know that laughter is the best medicine? Boisterous laughter is the grand cure that causes your face to contort as you make guttural noises and your eyes water, your gut tumbles, and your mood improves. There is no down side to a good laugh, unless of course it’s at a funeral or in a tragic movie or during sex. Don’t do that.

The world may be boiling in a cesspool of angst, depravity, murder, and disease, but look on the bright side: you’re not getting out alive anyway so you might as well find some humor. I know what makes people laugh: indigestion. Last month I wrote an essay titled “Don’t Fart During an MRI” that was published on The Huffington Post. To date, more than 644,000 people have liked the silly piece and I’m receiving emails of thanks from around the world. The answer to happiness is simple: just fart.

Marshall Brain, founder of How Stuff Works, studied the topic of humor and concluded that human beings love to laugh, and the average adult laughs 17 times a day. Humans love to laugh so much that there are actually industries built around laughter. Jokes, sitcoms and comedians are all designed to get us laughing, because laughing feels good. For us it seems so natural, but the funny thing is that humans are one of the only species that laughs. Laughter is actually a complex response that involves many of the same skills used in solving problems.

Brain notes that laughter is also extremely difficult to control consciously. Try asking a friend to laugh, for example. Most will announce, “I can’t laugh on command,” or some similar statement. Your friends’ observations are accurate — their efforts to laugh on command will be forced or futile. It will take them many seconds to produce a laugh, if they can do it at all. This suggests that we cannot deliberately activate the brain’s mechanisms for affective expression. Playfulness, being in a group, and positive emotional tone mark the social settings of most laughs.

In a serious study on The Science of Laughter published by Robert Provine in Psychology Today, researchers noted that jokes are serious business: they’re innate, important social tools. Authorities from the Bible to Reader’s Digest remind us that “laughter is the best medicine.” Print and broadcast reporters produce upbeat, often frothy stories like “A Laugh a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.” A best-selling Norman Cousins book and a popular Robin Williams film Patch Adams amplified this message. Laughter unites people, and social support has been shown in studies to improve mental and physical health. Indeed, the presumed health benefits of laughter may be coincidental consequences of its primary goal: bringing people together.

Here’s one final thought from Andrea F. Polard, Psy.D, in an article in Psychology Today titled “A Unified Theory of Happiness.” She writes, “We must see life as a divine play and foster lightheartedness. In order to survive, we must play.”

So, turn off the computer, go buy some clown noses, gather some friends, and go play. If that doesn’t work, just fart.

 

 

Do Not Start a Relationship in Winter

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cold woman

Winter arrived early like an unwanted relative and dumped record amounts of snow as if to announce, “Put away the jeweled flip-flops, Sweetheart, and grab a coat before you freeze your assets.”

Because I’ve been around the block many times in all kinds of weather, I’m here to give unsolicited but helpful advice if you intend to enter into a new relationship. Here are some reasons you should never start dating during cold weather:

  1. Shivering is unattractive. Gazing into a new lover’s eyes loses a romantic spark if your nose is red and producing enough snot to fill a salad bowl.
  2. Bundling is bulgy. If you go out for the evening, you can’t wear sexy sandals or else you’ll slip on the ice and bruise your ego. Instead, you’ll pull on clumsy boots, thick pants that could protect a Sherpa on Mt. Everest, a muffler that sticks to your runny nose, and a parka that’s too big to squeeze through the door. And you’ll be sneezing into crumpled wads of messy tissue. This is not a sensual look.
  3. Don’t lose the coat. If you go to a restaurant or fancy event and check your coat, you’ll sit with your date and tremble because you’re so cold. Crawling onto your companion’s lap or pulling the tablecloth around your shoulders for warmth can stifle a genuine return of affection. Keep your coat nearby, and add a wool shawl and portable heater, if necessary. There comes a time when your comfort trumps protocol.
  4. Forget strolling hand in hand. Unless you were raised on a frozen tundra, avoid long walks in frigid temperatures. Such an experience could cause your nostrils to freeze and your feet to go numb. Then you’ll stumble into the nearest open business, fall onto the floor, and barter your first-born child in exchange for hot coals to be dumped upon your freezing body. This action will cause your date to doubt that you’re “The One.”
  5. Expect to gain weight. We’re innocent descendants of our ancestors, and in order to survive the winter they always packed on some extra fat. To honor that tradition, we’ve been known to add 20 pounds during the first weekend of December. We can’t help it. But, that added weight could be a negative when meeting a new beau.
  6. Home is comforting. When you’re in a new relationship, there’s an added stress to be ready for action. The prospective mate better raise the bar if you’re going to leave your warm recliner, shave your legs, floss, and find matching socks. Cuddling up at home in your sweatpants with a hot toddy could be a welcome alternative to the dating scene.
  7. The other seasons bring problems, also. Don’t date in the spring if your allergic rhinitis causes you to wear a nose cap. Beware of summer because you easily get sunburned and can’t be touched. And forget about autumn. No one wants to be in a new relationship knowing that the coming holidays could require introductions to your crazy family or the daunting dilemma surrounding gift-giving. Face it, there is no good time.
  8. Ignore all these suggestions. You could meet someone and suddenly feel that unique tingle that says, “Shut the front door – this one’s a keeper!” Then by all means, relish the experience and enjoy the fun, regardless of the season.