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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#humor

It’s All Greek to Me

February 1, 2021 By Elaine Ambrose

Studley and I got married on the Greek island of Paros. To plan for the event, I tried to copy the wedding scene from the movie “Mamma Mia!” but we didn’t want to sing to each other on a narrow, windy ledge overlooking the sea. He can’t sing, and I can’t swim.

We chose a safe but picturesque chapel beside the Mediterranean Sea. After our ancient Greek wedding, we enjoyed a week on Paros. One day we took the bus to Noussa, a dusty old fishing village on the far side of the island. The travel guide had warned of primitive conditions, so we weren’t shocked when we noticed a group of fishermen casually talking to each other as they urinated off the public dock into the water.

Ancient Greek wedding in a chapel overlooking the Mediterranean

Their catch of the day hung from wooden racks: flat silver fish with sharp teeth, round black fish with white eyes, squid with wispy tendrils of upended suction cups. Water lapped around edges of the creaking wooden docks as we maneuvered around the pier.

We walked through the narrow maze of rugged stone streets past whitewashed buildings, tiny shops, lazy cats sleeping in the sun, and window boxes laden with colorful flowers. The aromas of incense, tobacco, and wild roses perfumed the air. We stopped at a sidewalk cafe near the ocean and ordered sharp cheese, crusty bread with olive oil, and tepid beer. Hand gestures were our method of communication.

When traveling, I try to locate water closets (bathrooms) with the same zeal that I search for ancient castles and new wine bars. Noussa was becoming a bit of a challenge, and by late afternoon, I regretted drinking the second beer. We entered a small grocery store tended by a matronly, black-toothed woman.

“Toualéta?” I asked, using the appropriate word from my Greek phrase book. The woman shook her head, apparently not understanding.

“Baño?” I implored, holding both palms up. No response.

Finally, with a bit of urgency, I showed my travel packet of toilet paper and plunked down a euro coin on the wooden counter. Currency remained the universal form of communication.

“Ah,” she replied, nodding her head. She took a broken pencil and drew a simple map on the back of my notebook. She had a mischievous twinkle in her dark eyes.

“Evcharisto! Thank you!” I said and hurried to follow the map like an eager explorer with directions to the Holy Grail. I found the public water closet, a tiled room with two foot rests and a hole in the ground. I’d seen similar accommodations on a previous journey through India and knew strong thigh muscles were necessary. At least this was an improvement over the practice of the Ancient Greeks who used a toilet in public as a sign of nobility. There wasn’t a sink, so I washed my hand with the wipes I carry – almost as necessary as my passport.

Later, we hiked back to the bus stop and passed the woman’s shop. I waved to her.

“Good-bye,” she called in English. “Have a nice evening.”

We laughed at her apparent knowledge of the English language. We learned to never underestimate a foreign shopkeeper with a twinkle in her eye and an eagerness to accept a valuable euro coin. She must be a distant relative.

#amwriting, #Greece, #euro, #restroom, #travel,

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #bathroom, #euro, #Greek, #humor, #Mama Mia, #travel

Bag Balm is NOT Sexy

January 22, 2021 By Elaine Ambrose

I recently saw an ad on social media claiming that “Bag Balm” was available again, so I immediately ordered two limited-edition gold tins to celebrate the 125th anniversary of the miracle salve. The ointment was first introduced in 1899 to apply to udders of cows, but any woman worth her summer sandals knows to use the balm on cracked heels and chapped hands. No cows are necessary. However, one must know that Bag Balm is not an aphrodisiac. Here’s my story:

I own nightgowns that date back to the Clinton Administration. My favorite slippers have shuffled me toward my coffee pot since the Eurythmics sang “Sweet Dreams are Made of This.” And, I can’t part with my favorite robe that I wore when laughing at Johnny Carson before signing off on the Tonight Show.

After a certain age, most women have earned the right to crave comfort with lounge clothes that are labeled X-Large instead of XXX. We’d rather eat cheesecake than pose for it.

I tried once, I really did. In a pathetic attempt to mimic a seductress, I wiggled into a teeny black outfit that cost more per ounce than gold. I couldn’t tell which was the front or the back, so I think I had it on sideways. Then I arched my loafer-loving feet into a pair of black shoes with 5-inch heels and teetered over to Studley. He looked up and got that panicked look he gets when he knows whatever he says will be wrong.

“Did that shrink?” he asked, right before I wobbled on the heels and fell down.

The tiny strap on the garment snapped and all hell broke loose. It was not a pretty sight.

Studley discreetly brought my Johnny Carson robe so I quickly covered my body and recovered my composure. He assured me that he loved me just how I was, and I assured him that he finally said something right. The skimpy outfit was washed, folded, and donated along with the heels. I’m sure they bring comfort and joy to someone else.

Studley tolerates my well-worn nightgowns, but I crossed the line recently when I applied Bag Balm™ before coming to bed. Those of us who grew up on a farm know that the familiar green tin can of ointment was a staple in the medicine cabinet. It’s been around since 1899 and was originally used to treat cows with dry, cracked udders. Farm (and many city) women use the ointment to smear on their heels because it works better than expensive foot creams.

So, one night after I slathered my heels with the greasy balm, covered my feet with thick, white socks, donned my pill-covered gown, and jumped into bed, Studley remarked that maybe I’d be more attractive if I could try the little black outfit again.

He’s still recuperating.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #BagBalm, #humor, #lingerie, #marriage, #midlife, #seniorcitizen, #sex, writingcommunity

Can We Laugh Again Before Summer?

December 31, 2020 By Elaine Ambrose

Some of you are getting crabby, and it’s not a good look. My New Year’s Resolution is to laugh at least once a week until I snort liquid out my nose. It’s a noble goal.

Ages ago, well maybe last year, I presented humorous speeches and enjoyed sharing laughter with my audience. Now, I peer at little boxes of faces on a Zoom webinar workshop and try to engage positive conversation while I manage a chat room, manipulate my slides, pause to answer a question, and follow a volatile outline of useful information. Next year, I am determined to gather a few living people and tell stories. Their laughter may be muffled behind masks, but I’ll savor the eye contact and the personal connection. Can we aim for summer to once again laugh together?

I can imagine future parties where we’ll find the group of gregarious guests gathered next to the punch bowl because they have the best punch lines. The most successful events will create a positive atmosphere where you can mingle with joyful people, nosh on appetizers, toast the New Year, toast every year, toast a new Instant Pot recipe, and laugh yourself silly. The horrors and hindsight of 2020 will be banned from conversation.

(Note: This encouragement to be happy doesn’t negate the true tragedies of this year. Many people have lost loved ones, many remain in the hospital, people lost their businesses, and there is an increase in cases of depression and domestic abuse. My message is to prompt hope we can smile again in the future.)

In learning to laugh again, some women may fear bouts of boisterous laughter because guffawing makes them wet their pants. I don’t see any problems with that. By midlife we either accept that our bodies will betray and embarrass us on a daily basis, or we go live in the basement with a carton of ice cream and watch sad movies. (Been there, done that, no fun.) It takes brave risk-takers to chuckle and chortle with wild abandon.

I once caused more than 800,000 people to laugh because of my viral essay titled, “Don’t Fart During an MRI.” HuffPost Live interviewed me from New York. Now, the story follows me everywhere. Let’s return to humor, even if we need to act like children and fart out loud. You go first.

Donna Beckman Tagliaferri and Anne Bardsley enjoy serious discussion before the writing retreat.

Did you know laughter is good for your health? Studies show that regular laughing boosts your immune system, oxygenates your blood, tightens your stomach muscles (hallelujah!), and releases healthy chemicals in your brain that improve your mood. A cheerful heart really is the best medicine.

In case you’ve forgotten how to laugh, here’s a simple technique to practice in quiet solitude when your calendar is empty, and we all know it is. The exercise applies to all ages, all sexes, every ethnic category, most religions, and even some Southern Baptists:

1. Squint your eyes.
2. Pull your mouth into a tight grin
3. Make a high squeal then lower your voice and make a series of “Ha, Ha, Ha.”
4. Rock back and forth.
5. Repeat several times.

If that doesn’t make you chuckle, it certainly will amuse those around you. Next year, make it a mission to laugh several times a week and you’ll discover more people want to be around you, even on Zoom. Be the light of laughter among the growing hordes of miserable people desperately searching for a chuckle. It’s your duty and solemn responsibility to share the joy, so go forth and laugh. You’re all invited over next summer.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #2020, #2021, #humor, #laughter, #masks, #NewYear, #webinar, #Zoom, attitude, survival

Find Myself on Your Shelf

December 8, 2020 By Elaine Ambrose

Flummoxed and bewildered about what to give for Christmas, Hanukkah, or any other celebration of choice? Buy and give books! Books last for years, they aren’t fattening, and they allow you to escape beyond your quarantined bedroom. I have a dozen award-winning, bestselling books in three genres: humor, memoir, and children’s books. Buy them, and we’ll all be happy.

#1 New Release

My latest book, Melody’s Magical Flying Machine, debuted as the #1 New Release in a category on Amazon and features a delightful girl with Down syndrome who uses a 3D printer to create a flying machine. In addition to the paperback, eBook, and audiobook versions, toys were created with a 3D printer so children can use them in role-play activities. Toys can be purchased from me for $10 each. Proceeds from the November release resulted in a $2,000 donation plus books and toys to Special Olympics Idaho.

Order books, eBooks, and audiobooks through local bookstores such as Rediscovered Bookshop in Boise, retail stores, online, or from me. During the last six years, these books have won several regional and nine national writing awards in addition to receiving bestseller status and excellent national reviews.

Nine national book awards in five years.

For a tenth award, Midlife Cabernet was selected as a winner for the Top Shelf Book Award for Humor. Publishers Weekly reviewed the book as “Laugh-out-loud funny.”

“Midlife Cabernet” was a winner in the Top Shelf Book Awards for Humor.

I can deliver autographed, personalized books and 3D toys downtown in Boise, Meridian, Eagle, and Garden City. Stay safe and happy this holiday season, and find myself on your shelf for a better New Year. For more details, email me at [email protected].

Filed Under: blog, books Tagged With: #Amazon #1 New Release, #Amazon bestseller, #books, #Christmas gifts, #humor, #IndependentPressBookAward, #IndependentPublisherBookAward, #memoir, #Moonbeam Children's Book Award, #Publishers Weekly, #Top Shelf Book Award, children's books, storyteller

A Pain in the Foot – Winning Essay for Erma Bombeck Writing Competition

February 21, 2020 By Elaine Ambrose

(Note: This essay was chosen as a winner in the 2020 Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition. I’ll read the essay at a reception hosted by Betsy Bombeck, Erma’s daughter, at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, Ohio, in April.)

Shock wave therapy device – for feet

I limped into the doctor’s office, grimacing with every other step. My strong right foot was ready to dance half of a festive polka, but the left foot hurt as if I were walking in a box of rocks over the smoldering ashes of my broken dreams. I explained to the doctor how the agony in my heel was worse in the morning, and I wanted to stay in bed, read books, and hire a mysterious Italian hunk named Antonio to bring me brunch and sing ballads.

“You have plantar fasciitis,” Doctor Rodgers said after manipulating my foot. The diagnosis sounded sophisticated and serious.

“Am I going to die?” I asked, mentally assessing who should receive my collection of original Beatles’ albums after the fatal fasciitis destroyed my plantar.

The doctor stifled a groan. “The plantar fascia is a fibrous tissue that extends along the bottom of your foot and connects your heel bone to your toes. Your foot hurts because the tissue has serious inflammation.”

Those were medical terms I could understand. I had issues with tissues.

“Do you jog?” The doctor peered at my matronly body covered with black sweatpants and large shirt featuring the words: “I Heart Donuts.” We both laughed.

“Do you wear high-heeled shoes?”

“Not since the Reagan Administration,” I answered. “And, only for fancy fundraising dinners. I’ll never forget the Spring Gala of 1988 when I wore silver satin heels and Lydia Zollinger spilled red wine on my shoe. I dumped the rest of her wine on the other shoe so they would match.”

Dr. Rodgers cleared her throat, indicating she didn’t care about the Spring Gala. She proceeded to describe remedies that included stretching exercises, ice packs, wraps, shoe inserts, oils, and orthopedic shoes. None of her recommendations included Antonio, my morning troubadour. She mumbled something about losing weight, but my brain had a mental block against such wicked words. Chubby people don’t need to be told to lose weight.

Then she recommended a treatment called Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy.

“I might be an older, full-bodied woman with a limp,” I retorted, “but I don’t need shock therapy.”

Shock Wave Therapy – 9-Second video

“The technique uses a wand to distribute shock waves over the bottom of your foot,” she explained patiently. “Most clients report immediate improvement.”

Tiffany Wilson Campbell of Matrix Regenerative Medicine in Boise tortures and tames the pain.

At the scheduled appointment, the technician moved the magic machine over my foot, promising it wouldn’t hurt. After the procedure ended, I gently stood and rejoiced because the pain was gone. I was ready for both feet to dance a lively polka down Main Street. Full of gratitude, I decided to add the technician’s name to my Will. She can have the Beatles’ albums.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #, #amwriting, #ErmaBombeck, #humor, #plantarfasciitis, #shockwavetherapy, #writingcontest

Idaho Author is a Winner in the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition

February 18, 2020 By Elaine Ambrose

Elaine Ambrose, a bestselling author and humorist from Meridian, Idaho, is a winner in the prestigious Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. Her essay titled “A Pain in the Foot” won Honorable Mention in the 2020 Global Humor category. Entries were submitted from 559 writers from 11 different countries and 49 states as they attempted to capture the essence of Erma’s writings.

Erma Bombeck was an American humorist, newspaper columnist, and bestselling author who gained popularity through her newspaper column that described home life from the mid-1960s until the late 1990s. Bombeck died in 1996, but her humor endures through a bi-annual writers’ workshop in Dayton, Ohio.

Ambrose will read her winning essay at the Workshop in April at a reception hosted by Betsy Bombeck, Erma’s daughter. Ambrose has participated in the conferences since 2014 when she performed Stand-Up Comedy at the event. In 2016, she taught two writing workshops, and in 2018, she was one of the authors chosen for the bestselling book Laugh Out Loud. The award-winning book debuted at the 2018 conference.

Ambrose adds this honor to numerous other awards for writing humor.

“Don’t Fart During an MRI” – This essay on The Huffington Post went viral in 2014 with more than 800,000 likes and was translated into six languages around the world.

“My Mothers Body Got Lost” – This essay was a winner in the “Voice of the Year” writing competition sponsored by BlogHer. Ambrose accepted the award at a conference in New York City.

For three consecutive years, her humorous essays have won writing awards for humor from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and Bloggers.

Receiving Award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Maureen Dowd

Her book Midlife Happy Hour was a finalist for “Book of the Year for Humor” from Foreword Reviews received a rare 5-Star National Clarion Review. The collection of humorous essays also received two writing awards from the Independent Press Awards program.

Her book Midlife Cabernet won the Silver Medal for Humor from the Independent Publisher Books Awards program. Publishers Weekly reviewed the book as “Laugh-out-Loud Funny!” Foreword Reviews wrote that the writing resembled Erma Bombeck.

Ambrose co-authored Menopause Sucks, a national bestselling book.

Ambrose is an internationally recognized syndicated blogger. She was voted one of the top three authors in the “Best of Treasure Valley” contest sponsored by The Idaho Statesman in 2016 and 2019. She owns Mill Park Publishing and was named a “Business Woman of the Year for 2014” by the Idaho Business Review.

A founding member of the Idaho Writers Guild, Ambrose also organizes and hosts writing workshops and speaks at events across the country. She’ll be teaching writing workshops in Ireland for two weeks in April through a tour group knows as Wayfinding Women.

Ambrose has authored or coauthored 15 books, several eBooks, and three audiobooks. She writes in three genres: humor, memoir, and children’s books. She’s currently working on the third book in the Midlife Trilogy with a book titled Midlife Reboot – How to Unplug and Start Over. Her new children’s book titled Melody’s Magical Flying Machine should be released before the end of the year. Find details on her website: ElaineAmbrose.com. She lives in Meridian with her patient husband.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #ErmaBombeck, #humor, #midlife, #writingcontest

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