Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

Don’t Take Photos in Public Restrooms

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Grocery shopping is at the top of my list of “Things Never to Do During Thanksgiving Week.” Of course, I seldom obey my own rules, so I was at the store on the afternoon before Thanksgiving squeezing my laden cart through the aisles full of intense people all in a mad frenzy to spend hundreds of dollars so they could work several hours to prepare food some guests wouldn’t like in order to give thanks.

I was half done with my long list when my body betrayed me as it usually does during stressful times. I had to go to the bathroom. I maneuvered my cart close to the restroom and parked it near the door, hoping no one would take the cans of water chestnuts because they were too difficult to find. In a hurry to finish my business and return to shopping, I accidentally dropped my precious list into the toilet.

Under normal circumstances, I would have flushed away my problems, but I needed that list. I still could read the words but didn’t want to reach in and pull out a soggy piece of paper, so I did the next best thing: I took a photograph on my cell phone. Yes, I did.

I continued shopping while focusing on the photo of the essential items. I found everything except a spice identified with a complicated name. I needed the spice for a new recipe. A busy store employee dashed by, and I grabbed his arm and showed him the photo on my phone.

“Do you know where I can find this?” I asked.

The employee stared at my phone and then at me and back at the phone.

“Do you need to find the restroom?” he asked, backing away.

I looked at my phone and there it was: a photo of a toilet bowl. Apparently, he assumed the floating list was used toilet paper. I stammered apologies and quickly pushed my cart to the next aisle, almost wiping out a senior citizen riding a travel scooter. I decided I didn’t want the spice with the fancy name.

While waiting in the checkout line, I frantically tried to delete the photo from my cell phone. Somehow in my flustered desperation, I accidentally posted it to my public Instagram Account. I regularly post photos to Instagram, so it was a natural habit.

“Oh, no!” I wailed. “I just showed my toilet on the Internet!”

As I was pounding the delete button on the now-public photo, a kind customer service representative came over and pushed my cart to a special checkout line. She spoke in a soothing voice usually reserved for manic shoppers in need of medication. I finally deleted the photo, paid for the groceries, and found my car. As I drove away, I waved farewell to the grocery store. I can never return.

Next time, I’ll chose a short shopping list.

“Frozen Dinners” Memoir Wins another National Award

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Frozen Dinners – A Memoir of a Fractured Family is the winner of the 2019 New York City Big Book Award. The Distinguished Favorite Award places the memoir among the best books written and published by independent authors.

The winners were announced November 11, 2019 in New York City. The award program recognizes quality books and notes that New York City is synonymous with the global publishing industry.

Frozen Dinners describes how an entrepreneurial father rose from poverty to build a mult-million-dollar trucking empire hauling frozen food throughout the Northwest. His determination, combined with generosity and strict punishment, leaves his family in a state of emotional paralysis. After his untimely death, his survivors implode in a maelstrom of brutal courtroom drama, illness, and dementia. Using actual courtroom transcripts, author Elaine Ambrose portrays the tragic consequences of greed, estrangement, and family competition.

Ambrose Trucking, 1952

The memoir is the story of a woman who spends half a century searching for love and warmth beyond the contaminated legacy of her fractured family. The book, published by Brown Books Publishing Group, is available in hardcover, eBook, and audiobook read by the author. Copies can be ordered through local bookstores, independent bookstores, or online.

Frozen Dinners earlier won a writing award from the Independent Press Award for Memoir. Author Elaine Ambrose has written five books in the past five years in three genres, and the books now have won eight national writing awards.

Eight national writing awards for five books

My New Car is Haunted

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Remember the olden days when you jumped into your car, turned a key, and drove away? Those were good times. Now I drive a haunted car controlled by mischievous gremlins, strange voices, and nefarious computerized systems designed to destroy my delicate balance of sanity.

The car caper began when I cheated on my long-time dealer. During the past twenty years, I’ve purchased a dozen vehicles from the same dealership in Boise. I drove a Lexus SUV because it was dependable and I needed extra room to haul books, my mother’s wheelchair, car seats for the grandbabes, and numerous loads of household goods while moving eight times and also moving my mother eight times. I usually traded to a newer model every few years; however, the design of recent Lexus SUV models began to resemble an 18-wheel truck, were too wide to park, and had bad gas mileage.

I felt guilty looking around at other vehicles, but then I saw a splendid, emerald-green Audi Q5. The SUV was small, so it would be easier to park and could get better gas mileage. It looked sporty and featured a fancy interior with a huge skylight. I researched details and the vehicles rated high for safety, performance, and value. I had sold some property, so with my trade-in I could pay cash. Because I paid the balance with a check, the process took less than 30 minutes. Financing a car at the dealership can take hours, involve a stack of documents, and take years off your life. Being a woman without a male escort adds an entire new level of scrutiny.

I drove away, enjoying the toxic chemical smell of a new car. The problems started when I stopped at the grocery store. I couldn’t figure out how to lock the car.

Here are a few of the frustrating issues I’ve encountered with the new car:
I couldn’t lock the door so I had to search the 388-page owner’s manual for instructions. I learned how to touch the outside of the door handle but not put my fingers inside the handle. This design feature should be changed.

The automatic car wash is a nightmare. I tried to put the gear into Neutral but the “S-tronic dual-clutch transmission” went into Park instead of Neutral and the car wash track tossed the tires out of alignment. This happened several times, and the patient attendant finally learned to shut down the line whenever he saw me coming.

I purchased a car wash membership but the sticker on the windshield wouldn’t work because a speed limit display projected on the windshield interfered with the electronic eye at the car wash. I needed to watch an online tutorial to learn how to turn off the display. The electronic eye still doesn’t work.

During the car wash, the seat belt suddenly tightens when gremlins in the engine sense the washing equipment getting closer. The first time this happened, I thought someone in the back seat was trying to grab me. I may have screamed, fearing my dead body would be discovered when the car was propelled out of the dryer.

Mysterious voices and warning bells occur at random times. The “Audi pre-sense front” is a safety feature that soon became an annoying nag. The car’s lecturing voice tells me if my cell phone is still plugged in when I make a quick exit to get the mail. Bells ring if the car thinks I’m too close to a car in front of me. If I slow down, another car will cut in front of me, and bells go off again. Warning lights flash if I go over the speed limit when I pass a car on the freeway. Bright red danger signs appear for no reason and go away before I can react. They are mocking me.

The navigation system requires a college course to understand. I’ve watched several online tutorials, but I still use my cell phone for directions to a new address.

The owner’s manual was edited by 100 bored lawyers and contains multiple warnings. The serious text states to “NEVER drive when impaired by medications, alcohol, drugs, etc.” Who knew? The manual also says “Do NOT drive when you are tired, under pressure or when you are stressed.” The only thing that stresses me is this car.

Finally, I miss a V6 engine. Yes, the lighter 4-cyclinder Q5 gets better gas mileage, but the vehicle wobbles in a strong wind on the freeway. I have a bit of buyer’s remorse, and I’m not impressed by the Audi dealership but I can’t return to my old dealer. I suspect they’ve moved on, too, and I’m no longer welcomed in my favorite service department. I’ll continue trying to learn the complicated mechanics of the new car, but I have fond memories of my first car: a 1973 Pontiac Firebird. I simply turned the key, popped in an 8-track cartridge, and traveled – stress-free – down the road.

My first car – 1973 Pontiac Firebird

Writer’s Workshop Explains How to Go from Loser to Leader

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The Writing Workshop for Losers on October 4-5 will be the 16th writing retreat I’ve organized and hosted. The first writing retreat occurred at my cabin in Garden Valley, Idaho in 2008 and was called “Write by the River.” My guest speaker was Jennifer Basye Sander, a New York Times bestselling author and book packager.

Jennifer Basye Sander returns from Sacramento, California to speak at the October workshop. She’ll lead participants through various exercises to address their biggest fears, share their painful failures, and list their bravest actions throughout their writing careers. Using her personal motto of “Fail Fast, Fail Often,” Jennifer will show writers how to learn from and destroy their rejections and become part of a Rejection Club. She believes that the only real way to fail at writing is to stop writing.

Jennifer teaches three writing courses a year for the Arts and Humanities department at University of California Davis. The books she has developed have achieved in excess of forty million dollars in retail sales. As the senior editor for Prima Books (a now defunct division of Random House) she developed more than seventy new titles. A recognized expert on Ernest Hemingway, one of Jennifer’s most popular speeches is titled, “Could Hemingway Get a Book Deal Today?”

Donna Beckman Tagliaferri and Elaine Ambrose

After Jennifer’s session, Donna Beckman Tagliaferri will share her workshop about overcoming self-doubt and explore how to survive personal catastrophe. She writes a popular blog titled My Life from the Bleachers and is the voice of compassion and reason in a vitriolic world of social media. She writes about having great expectations and what to do when hopes and dreams don’t occur or turn out differently. She’ll discuss how we use our challenges, trails, and tests to help and encourage each other and do our most creative work. Her workshop will focus on finding the sunflowers because they face the sun but on cloudy days, they turn toward each other to share energy. Donna is the ghost writer for a famous personality, and she’ll discuss how to respond with others are recognized for her talent.

The workshop will end with my “Music as Muse” exercise designed to prompt positive creative energy.

The Saloon at Spurwing. Photo by David Day.

This will be the first writing workshop at the Saloon at Spurwing. Previous workshops in Garden Valley, Eagle, Meridian, and Sun Valley have featured dynamic speakers, including Pulitzer Prize Winner Anthony Doerr, Alan Heathcock, Amanda AK Turner, Liza Long, Gretchen Anderson, Ken Rodgers, Doug Copsey, Christy Hovey, Emily Nielsen, Drew Allen Brown, Lance Olsen, Stacy Dymalski, and Stephanie Worrell.

Anthony Doerr and Alan Heathcock speak at the Write by the River retreat.
Speakers Christy Hovey, Amanda AK Turner, and Elaine Ambrose
Writer’s Wellness Retreat


Writers at the 2017 workshop at Spurwing.

Participants for the October writing workshop are coming from Arkansas, California, Nevada, and Idaho. We have two places open, and tickets can be purchased here.

A Marvelous and Melancholy Very Good Year

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I’m in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
From fine old kegs,
From the brim to the dregs,
And it poured sweet and clear,
It was a very good year.

These lyrics are from the nostalgic song “It Was a Very Good Year” composed by Ervin Drake in 1961 and made famous by Frank Sinatra. The song meanders through my mind as I contemplate my 68th birthday today. I’ll never again experience such a year as it brought extortionary happiness tempered with bitter heartache.

At home, I’m immersed in life with a good man who loves me and supports my weirdness. I’m close with my son and his family and with my stepson. This year my career surpassed expectations with multiple writing awards, speaking opportunities, and success with my new memoir Frozen Dinners. After my publisher, Brown Books Publishing Group, sold the audio rights, I completed the narration at a professional sound studio in Los Angeles. The book and eBook became bestsellers and received a writing award for memoir from the Independent Press Awards. The audiobook will be released September 10.

I received the third consecutive writing award for humor from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and Bloggers, and came in second to Pulitzer Prize Winner Anthony Doerr in the Best of Treasure Valley contest for best author.

My short story was selected for a humor anthology titled Laugh Out Loud that features 40 of the best writers from the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and won a national award for humor. My children’s book, The Magic Potato, won a silver medal writing award from the Moonbeam Children’s Book Awards. I spoke at several local writing workshops, at a private retreat in Sun Valley, at my 50th high school reunion, and at a national convention in Missouri. I’m also publishing a children’s book for a friend.

Distribution and Sales Make Frozen Dinners a bestseller.

Frozen Dinners is selling in hardcover edition in local bookstores including Rediscovered Books in Boise and Iconoclast Books in Hailey, on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, Walmart, Target.

The eBook is available on Kobo, Apple ITunes, NOOK, Google Play, and Amazon.
The audiobook is on Libro.fm and Audible.


My husband and I moved into a home on a golf course and I sold our home and cabin. I started a massive remodeling project that included new interior paint on ceilings and walls, new carpet, window coverings, lighting, and 1,500-square-feet of hardwood flooring. I started an outdoor landscaping project that featured a saloon built with 100-year-old timbers from a potato cellar, two fire pits, an outdoor kitchen, a 10-foot custom bar, hidden drawers for bottles of booze, and custom furniture. The landscape design included hundreds of pavers, plants, and new trees.

Volunteer activities remain an important part of my life. The trishaw I sponsored for the local chapter of Cycling Without Age is regularly used at area assisted living facilities and brings joy to senior citizens. The annual Ambrose Storytelling Endowment is underway at the University of Idaho and provides an annual workshop with grants for faculty and students, and I was a sponsor for the annual writer’s conference organized by the Idaho Writers Guild.

Heartache that Won’t Heal

So, how can I be melancholy about my life? I didn’t hear from a close family member on my birthday or on any other important event during the year. She estranged me in June of 2018 and refuses to speak to me. Her husband sent me a text message saying never to contact them again. The painful shunning and untrue labels of me being “toxic” seem to come from an amateur therapist’s handbook on how to use the latest psychobabble to destroy people. Unfortunately, this family member is teaching her children to be vindictive and judgmental. These are not the values instilled by our hearty ancestors who walked the Oregon Trail, fought in World War ll, and turned sagebrush into fertile farmland.

To add to the personal drama, my older brother, Tom, died in January at age 68. As I explained in my memoir, we had been estranged for 22 years. His widow didn’t include my name in the published obituary, so I wrote and published my own version with my name added. My parents and both brothers are gone. I pray my grandchildren can break the family tradition of estrangement and alienation.

I know I’ll never again experience such a year of highs, lows, and changes. I’m grateful for my husband, for my son and his family, for my stepson, and for all of my friends. Next year looks promising. I’ll be returning to Ireland to lead writing and storytelling workshops with a group called Wayfinding Women. I hope to write again and focus on positive opportunities.

For this 68th year, I intend to get better with age. As Sinatra once crooned, I think of my life as vintage wine…and it poured sweet and clear. It was a very good year.

Why Audiobook Narrators Can’t Cry

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During this excerpt from my memoir, my voice cracked while I was reading about my mother. I told the sound engineer I would imagine a clown falling out of a clown car so I could regain my composure and finish the chapter.

The audiobook will be released September 10 by Tantor Media..