Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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When Your Audience Says “Stop Talking”

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At a recent presentation, I was shocked when the audience seemed irritated because I was there. They refused to laugh at my jokes, so I began an energized speech sure to sway their misguided skepticism. I failed.

Throughout my writing and public relations career, I’ve presented hundreds of speeches and workshops. I follow a familiar routine of entering the room, greeting the participants, and embarking on proven techniques to earn an immediate laugh. The sparkle in their eyes and their animated body language tell me I have them in the palm of my hand. Surely, my provocative and brilliant oratory is destined to entertain and enlighten the world.

For paid appearances at national conferences, I arrange the details in advance and keep complete notebooks with facts about Power Point presentations, audio/visual equipment, handouts, room arrangements, conference schedules, key contacts, and important information about the audience. I’m less organized when I give free speeches to local organizations and usually pop into the meeting, do my thing, sell some books, and leave them laughing.

The Idaho Writers Guild organized a series of free workshops for local writers in the Boise area. Because I recently completed a memoir titled Frozen Dinners, I agreed to present a workshop about how to write a memoir. To prepare, I wrote and printed handouts and gathered business cards, bookmarks, and copies of my books. I promoted the event on social media and anticipated the two-hour workshop would be fun and easy.

I arrived at the Collister Library 20 minutes before my workshop and introduced myself to the staff. A kind woman escorted me to a meeting room full of a dozen women. I proceeded to unpack my supplies and arrange my books and materials. I noticed that they seemed aloof. That immediate rejection caused me to try harder and bring out my killer jokes, usually reserved for tepid audiences. This tactic didn’t work, so I kept talking, mentally scrambling to rearrange my outline. They continued to stare at me without emotion.

Self-doubt creeped over my confidence. Did they detect manure on my shoes because I grew up on a pig farm? Maybe my speaking career was over. Maybe I was a fraud. Maybe no one ever wanted to hear me talk or lead a workshop, and I should run away to live alone in the mountains. Then I noticed the women all had sewing projects on the table.


“Are you here for the writing workshop?” I asked.

“No. This is the weekly meeting of our needlepoint club, and we’ve been discussing new patterns,” said an older woman. I imagined her name was Blanche. She was working on a floral design for a pillowcase. The others continued to stare at me, their fingers holding pointed needles in midair.

“We didn’t know why you were speaking to us,” another woman said. She resembled my great-aunt Gertrude. “But, we didn’t know how to make you stop talking.”

I’ve heard that comment before, usually from teachers, bosses, and romantic dates. I reminded myself to stop agreeing to give workshops for free.

“I’m sorry,” I stammered as I gathered my supplies and stuffed them into my bags. “I guess you won’t want my books about menopause and midlife Cabernet.” They didn’t laugh. I made a mental note to investigate any mysterious crimes committed by stoic people who needlepoint.

I hurried out the door and wandered around the library until I found the room where my writing students were patiently waiting.


“We thought you weren’t coming,” the librarian said. She didn’t notice my eye twitching. She gave a glowing introduction and my confidence slowly returned. I arranged my books and materials, again, and launched into my workshop. They laughed within the first minute. I was back, and they were mine.

 

Can Midlife Marriage Survive a Prolapsed Bladder?

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“It’s a good thing we aren’t dating in our twenties now,” my husband mused as I stood traumatized in the hospital room while urine sprayed wildly across the floor. “This could cause a young, single guy to escape to a hermit’s cave far away in the wilderness.”

He was trying to make me laugh, and the remark eased my grief. I was almost 50 years old and recuperating from a medical procedure to fix my collapsed bladder. (Stress incontinence is another challenging physical dilemma for midlife women.) The catheter remained attached to my body, but the end had slipped from the collection bag and the errant tube was squirting around the room. I had faint memories of my toddler son doing the same action several decades earlier; however, he laughed, and I did not.

“Why me?” I wailed in total humiliation as I grabbed for the offensive hose and shoved it into the bag. “I’m going to take a shower and might drown myself.” “I’m sure you’ll do the same for me someday,” he said as he reached for some towels and proceeded to clean the mess. “Could you get a fun nurse’s costume?” I laughed and asked him to go find some chocolate and wine. “You probably shouldn’t have any alcohol,” he warned. “You’re on some strong medications that don’t mix well with wine.”

“The party is over,” I answered. “I only agreed to this operation because I was tired of wetting my pants whenever I laughed. Now I can’t have a glass of wine and enjoy some good jokes.” “Should I get some adult diapers, too?” We both laughed. That mutual reaction is what we call making the most of midlife marriage.

A solid marriage makes it easier to handle all the grief

Marriage at midlife doesn’t guarantee total bliss, but we’ve discovered that laughter is better than breaking something, trying drugs, or running away to join a chanting group in India. Every morning I read online reports of treachery, debauchery, and ghastly evilness, and that’s only from the local garden club. A solid marriage makes it easier to handle all the grief, angst, and pure nastiness swirling around us. At the end of the day, we escape all the noise, sit together, and talk about life. And, now I can laugh out loud without wetting my pants.

Middle-aged people know marriage can be the reason they’re happy or miserable. Here are a few suggestions for causing a midlife relationship to endure.

Have a sense of humor

I don’t recommend having bladder problems with someone who can’t make or take a joke. At midlife, many of us encounter a variety of health issues that can strain relationships as our bodies start to betray us. Bladder prolapse ranks high on the list of unpleasant realities. Through it all, try to keep laughing and create a game of listing all the reasons why “It Could Be Worse.” Remember the quote from humorist Erma Bombeck, “He Who Laughs, Lasts.”

Accept the naked truth

At midlife, most of us don’t look as good naked as we did in our twenties. Gravity and sunlight can be punitive, and it doesn’t matter how hard we work out, eat salads, go under the knife, and consume multiple vitamins, we often look and feel older. But, that’s okay because we are! Maybe someday all the anti-ageing warnings in advertising will stop shaming us for getting older and still being alive. The focus should become pro-ageing celebrations. We probably won’t wear a bikini this July, but we’re delighted to enjoy another summer.

It’s party time in the empty nest

After the last child moves away, many middle-aged couples realize they haven’t been alone together in years. The new empty nest is the perfect place and time to reconnect without catering to children. Finally, you can enjoy a candlelit dinner for two and then sleep naked with the bedroom door unlocked. Try that tonight.

Honor and encourage individual activities

I enjoy taking trips to visit friends, see favorite places, or attend writing conferences. My husband encourages me to have fun, and I do the same for him.

Schedule play dates together

Don’t be too busy to enjoy time with each other and find activities you enjoy. We golf together, even though he’s much better than I am, and he joins me for concerts and plays when he’d rather be golfing. Our only standing rule is to avoid crabby people.

Keep the music playing

We usually end the day on the patio with an adult beverage and listen to our favorite playlists. Music enhances the memories, and we continue to update our favorite songs.

Finally, to make the most of midlife marriage and beyond, watch older couples together. You’ll see many who don’t communicate and others who look bitter. Don’t become those people. Other couples look, talk, and dress alike. Don’t become those, either. Choose to emulate the ones holding hands, making regular eye contact, and enjoying public displays of affection. Assume they’re married to each other. Midlife marriage can be the best time of life.

 

 

 

The Critter Made Me Bitter

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One of the delicious advantages of being old and tired is I can write whatever I want. I have no filter, editors, or advertisers, so I can declare with profound sincerity: Keep your damn dog off my dinner table.

I recently attended a writing conference in Ohio. I spent money that could have gone for much-needed liposuction or parking tickets, but no, I paid for airfare, hotel, and conference registration because I won a humor writing award. It was all fun and games until the Eastern Princess appeared with her pampered pooch peeking pathetically from a padded, pink pouch.

Readers of my blog posts know I am not a pet person. I grew up on a farm and animals stayed outside to guard the property, kill mice, and grow into beef steaks. No animals were in the house. Ever. My essay “My Fish Won’t Hump Your Leg” was featured on The Huffington Post, and I was interviewed on “HuffPost Live from New York” to discuss the fact that not everyone wants to pet a poodle or slobber over helpless creatures stuffed inside expensive purses. I know these animals would rather be rolling in the grass licking themselves.

At the conference, I tried to avoid the woman with the bagged beast but she appeared beside me every hour. In the bathroom, the fur ball peeked under my stall until I stared at it and said, “What’s up, dawg?”

In the hallway, it darted between my legs on a jewel-encrusted leash that had more bling than my bracelets. In the meetings, it rested in the owner’s lap and glared at me with distain. It resembled the love child of Chewbacca of “Star Wars” and a pouting chipmunk. I wanted to stick a handle on its shaggy back and mop the floor.

The worse experience came at the formal banquet. Because the universe was mocking my evening of discontent, the Princess and her bag of barks sat across from me.

“Of all the joints in all the in all the towns in all the world, she sits at my table,” I drawled in my best Humphrey Bogart accent. The caustic canine sneered at me. I ordered more wine and stabbed my roast beef.


I really am a nice person, but when the owner began feeding the dog from her dinner plate, I coughed louder than normal. It was more like a heaving wretch. They shared the same spoon for ice cream, and they drank from the same water glass. The parched pup drank first, then the owner, then they repeated the unsanitary, disruptive scene. The vile vision made me sick as a dog and hounded me until I couldn’t eat. At least the experience served as a dietary aid.

“This is a service animal,” she said, as if we should applaud and throw roses.

I knew that wasn’t true. According to the government classifications of a service dog, it must be trained to perform duties the owner cannot do. It usually wears a vest, sits at the owner’s feet, and never eats from the dinner plate or shares a water glass with its owner during a formal banquet. It was a comfort dog and it was making me uncomfortable.

What if more people started to bring armies of animals to professional conferences? I could save a lot of money by not attending.

The next day, as I sashayed across the stage to accept my writing award, I glanced over to see my adoring fans. They all were huddled around the woman and her dog to take photographs and coo. The critter was making me bitter.

“Doggone it,” I muttered, “You’ll never teach this old dog a new trick. I won’t pander to your prissy puppy.” Then I returned to my pet-free hotel room to pack for the flight home. My anxiety increased as I feared sitting next to a caged canine. I needed a comfort bottle.

Caveat: I totally support the use of designated service dogs. They are well-trained and provide essential support for their owners.

How to Write Humor – The Outline

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(Here’s my outline for “How to Write Humor.” I give this presentation for workshops andpresentations at various conferences.)

 

 

  1. Risk to Writing Humor
    1. What if they don’t laugh? What if they do?
    2. Do you laugh or cringe at your own sentence?
    3. Improve humor writing skills by reading, writing, and analyzing what makes you laugh.
  2. Elements of Humor – Choose a topic that combines at least two:
    1. Witty, clever, new twist
    2. Surprise, spontaneous, unexpected
    3. Bizarre, odd, absurd, not routine
    4. Ironic, shocking, mock frustration
    5. Naughty, obsessive, titillating
    6. Satirical, spoof, roast
    7. Self-depreciating, but don’t overdo it or audience will believe you’re a loser

  1. Writing Humor is Serious Work
    1. If you’re not funny, don’t write humor. Please.
    2. Don’t throw every gimmick and hope it works.
    3. Be original and creative. Find your niche.
    4. Edit, again and again. No one likes a long joke.
    5. Remember what makes you laugh as you write.
    6. Profanity is similar to hot spice: use it sparingly.
    7. Tie the end of the story or anecdote back to the beginning.
    8. Read your work out loud.
    9. Know your audience. Midlife humor won’t work for male teenage science students.
    10. Read other comedy writers: David Sedaris, Jill Conner Browne, George Carlin.
  2. Erma Bombeck – Still Funny, Twenty Years after Her Death
    1. I don’t ski because of all the ambulances.
    2. I would jog to hear heavy breathing again.
    3. He who laughs…lasts.

Examples of Humor in My Books

  1. Menopause Sucks – Quotes
    1. It’s a crying shame you could live to be 100 but only 20 of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach.
    2. Estrogen is the chemical commander-in-chief. Imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Make that boob bigger.”
    3. After perimenopause – “Attention all sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.”
  2. Midlife Cabernet – Quotes
    1. I never intended to be divorced in my forties, but it happened. If love is blind, I need a white cane instead of a wedding dress.
    2. Unless your mother-in-law is a convicted felon or a pole dancer at the Kit Kat Klub, you should spend quality time with her.
    3. There are more than 250 million adults in the US, and each one started as a baby. They grew up and moved out, so there’s a high probability yours will, too.
    4. I used to feed my little ones with a spoon shaped like an airplane. Now they open their mouths every time they hear a plane.
  3. Establish Your Humor Identity
    1. Name, title, blog, logo, key audience
    2. Join and participate in online humor writing groups.
    3. Find speaking opportunities
    4. Exploit success – viral and award-winning blogs
    5. Be active on social media sites
    6. Create humorous memes to promote your brand
    7. Middle-aged women – my target audience – will appreciate this meme:

  1. Explore Opportunities to Expand Your Reach
    1. Collaborate with another author on a book.
    2. Apply to speak at conferences.
    3. Weekly test public reaction to your posts
  2. Keep Learning new Technologies
    1. Use various apps to copyright and date. Use Enlight app to distort photos.
    2. Know how to create and insert photos and videos.
    3. Save and recycle samples of your best writing.
    4. Keep a notebook for jokes, spontaneous ideas, people-watching, personal incidents, and funny quotes.
  3. Make Laugher, Make Money, and Make the World a Happier Place
    1. Sell on the popularity of your sparkling, creative wit.
    2. Give paid speeches and sell products at full retail after the speeches.
    3. Makes notes and evaluate after every presentation to improve experience
    4. Remember to keep laughing because the world needs humor.
    5. If all else fails, use a prop: Finger Puppets

 

Elaine Ambrose uses and distributes finger puppets in some of her keynote speeches.

Elaine Ambrose, Bestselling Author, Syndicated Blogger, Humorist

Website: [email protected], Email: [email protected]

 

©ElaineAmbrose2018

The Splendid Joy of Writing Humor

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Receiving Award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Maureen Dowd

My stylish but functional carry-on bag is waiting to be packed for tomorrow’s flight to Cincinnati, Ohio for the National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference. The association is for writers of serial essays, including columnists and bloggers. My goal as a humor writer is to cause at least one person to laugh or maybe snort coffee when reading my blog posts. Apparently, my goal was achieved because I’m receiving another award for humor writing.

At last year’s conference, I received the honor from Pulitzer Prize winner Maureen Dowd. My winning essays included an irreverent collection of political commentaries from sarcastic animals. This year’s winning entry included a travel post because I’d rather be stranded in a haunted airport full of carnivorous dung beetles and feral spiders than write about politics. It’s not funny anymore. I wrote about last year’s award in a piece titled “Humor in E-Flat Alto.” It’s a tribute to my band teacher who told me I wasn’t funny.

Joining funny writers Lee Gaitan and Molly Stevens at NSNC.

The schedule for this year’s conference features excellent speakers and topics, and I’m eager to join provocative debates, learn new techniques, and see friends from across the country.

Here is one of my three entries for the 2018 humor competition:

Stepping and Schlepping Off the Plane

After completing a 14-hour journey from Sag Harbor, New York to Boise, Idaho, I’m convinced the standard travel attire for passengers includes ripped clothes, disheveled hair, and a grumpy attitude. I felt positively radiant in my coordinated knit ensemble, complete with a patient smile. As I cued in line for the privilege to sit in a toddler-sized space for four hours, I reminisced about a forgotten time when traveling was a luxurious pleasure.

Years ago, when I was fancy and corporate, I often visited an exclusive dress shop in downtown Boise. The proprietor, a thin and elegant woman named Dorothy, was hanging onto age 50 with clenched but manicured fingernails. She exuded all things classy and could have posed for a 1950s cigarette ad. Her arched eyebrow raised even higher whenever I entered. She liked me but mourned my conservative fashion sense and untoned body. I was on the D-List of Preferred Clients.

Once I needed a business outfit for a conference out of state. She welcomed me with bangled arms and air kisses and proceeded to collect various outfits to hang in a dressing room.

“This one is perfect,” she gushed as she held up a white sweater with white pants. “You’ll look fabulous as you step off the plane.”

“I’ll look like an albino ox,” I replied. “And what’s the fuss about stepping off the plane? Most of the passengers are wearing flannel pajama pants and stained sweatshirts as they stumble to baggage claim. I could be roller skating in a potato sack on fire with live rats dancing on my head and no one would notice.”

Dorothy sighed. “Where has all the glamour gone?” She replaced the white ensemble and added a serious navy-blue dress with a red collar.

“At least add a splash of color,” she begged.

I liked the dress and purchased it for the trip. After the plane landed, I entered the terminal and paused for a moment to pose as Dorothy would prefer. A young mother pushing a stroller the size of a recliner crashed into my legs, snagging my pantyhose. She mumbled an apology while throwing fish crackers to her crying toddler and ambled down the corridor in a mass of harried, hurried people.

I limped down to the taxis and reflected on the time when travelers wore their best clothes. Typical attire included men in suits with ties and women in dresses and hats, some with gloves. Children and pets were rare and properly packaged. Passengers who stepped off the plane indicated they had, indeed, arrived.

I don’t work for a corporation anymore, so when traveling I opt for a more casual, practical outfit such as black leggings and a black and white tunic. At my age it really doesn’t matter anymore because women over 50 are invisible to the huddled masses yearning to simultaneously read their cell phones and walk while ignoring the repetitive message from Big Sister, “Do Not Leave Your Luggage Unattended!”

Yesterday I️ had two hours before my next flight so stopped at the wine bar in the airport and ordered a Cabernet. A sophisticated older woman also sat at the bar. She wore a red knit suit with white pearls and her hair was full enough to hide small treasures. Her exquisite fingers curved around the wine glass as she smiled and offered a silent toast. I️ returned her gesture, thankful to no longer be invisible. After finishing her drink, she gathered her designer bags and sashayed from view as I heard the distant music from Nat King Cole singing, “Unforgettable.” I imagined her name was Dorothy.

 

 

 

 

  How to Write the Introduction to Your Memoir

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If you want to write a memoir, begin with a powerful scene that provides a provocative glimpse into the story that follows. Here is the first paragraph of my upcoming memoir, Frozen Dinners – A Memoir of a Fractured Family.

“Irritated clouds of gray dust swirl behind my car and settle back onto the patches of scruffy sagebrush as I drive a back road into the village of Wendell, Idaho. I turn down 4th Avenue and stop in front of an insignificant old house where my family lived before my father became rich. Decades of decay and neglect are exposed as cheap vinyl siding sags on the outside walls and dead vines hang on crooked trellises over weathered boards thirsty for paint. I stare at the window of my former bedroom and wonder if it’s still nailed shut.”

Those four sentences reveal several essential facts to the story through key words and phrases. The words “village of Wendell, Idaho” tell readers the location of my small hometown. The phrase “before my father became rich” adds an interesting element in the second sentence. The third sentence about “decades of decay” offers a glimpse into a memoir about loss and longing.  By the fourth sentence, I intend to hook the reader with the words “wonder if it’s still nailed shut.”

Why was my childhood window nailed shut? Keep reading to learn the truth.  Also, to emphasize immediacy, the first chapter is written in present tense. The remaining chapters are in past tense.

Everyone has a story, and you should consider writing yours. Your life’s history contains a series of pivotal scenes that incorporate all the senses and emotions. List the important memories and then review them for the basis of an outline for your memoir. Do certain times and events seem more compelling that others? What is the essence of your story? How do you begin?

My memoir first percolated in my mind more than twenty years ago, and I adjusted the intensity of my writing for several years, often jumping into the mess of words only to quit and relinquish everything to the back burner. How do I, as a humor writer, rip open the scars to inspect the pain of the past? I couldn’t finish it, so I sporadically wrote additional chapters for the manuscript while working on humorous books, including Menopause Sucks, Midlife Cabernet, and Midlife Happy Hour.

My mother’s death in 2014, followed three years later by the death of my younger brother George, convinced me to complete the book. The memoir will be released in the fall by Brown Books Publishing.

Write Your Memoir – Free Workshop in Boise

The Idaho Writers Guild offers a full schedule of free workshops for beginning and intermediate writers. I’ll be presenting a memoir writing class on Thursday, June 21 at the Library at Collister, 4724 W State Street in Boise. The workshop, titled “Your Memoir – How to Avoid Flirting with Fiction,” begins at 7:00 with a 90-minute interactive session followed by audience discussion. The event is free and open to the public. Intermediate writers are encouraged to attend.

The workshop will focus on how to outline a memoir and how to separate fact from fiction. Worksheets will emphasize the importance of an opening paragraph to set the stage for the rest of the story.