Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Come to the Mountains to Write, Tell, and Record Your Story

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Mill Park Publishing of Eagle, Idaho is sponsoring a women’s writing Retreat on November 4-6, 2016, for those who want to preserve and share their stories. We’ll focus on how to write a memoir, how to participate in verbal storytelling, and how to record an audio book. Registration is limited to 12 women, and accommodations include two deluxe mountain cabins with two private rooms with private baths and five shared rooms with shared baths.

Cost is $400 per person for private room and bath or $300 per person for shared room and shared bath.

Cost includes two light dinners, two breakfasts, one lunch, snacks, materials, and speakers.

Transportation from the airport, to the cabins, and back to the airport will be provided for guests from out-of-state.

writers retreat jan 14 group

On Saturday night, participants will be encouraged to stand and read to the group. There will be free time to write, hike, read, or visit the nearby recreation area and hot springs.

Workshops will be facilitated by Elaine Ambrose, author and owner of Mill Park Publishing. Preview her credentials at www.ElaineAmbrose.com.

cabin back deck

Topics include:

  • Why Your Story Matters – How to Outline Your Memoir
  • Tell Your Story – How to Speak in Public, Read Your Work, and Prepare an Audio Book
  • Setting Goals Beyond Next Week – How to Design a Workable Schedule to Complete Your Work

Registration is due by October 15. No refunds after October 20, 2016. Follow this link: Retreat.

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The cabins are located in Garden Valley, approximately an hour’s drive from Boise, Idaho, and are equipped with linens, towels, high-speed Internet, land-line telephone, and modern amenities. Please respond with dietary requirements and mobility issues. Past evaluations and reviews are available upon request.

Preemptive Political Plea:  The writer’s retreat is a few days before the election. Any political discussions will be moved outside…with the bears, wolves, and mountain lions. Quarreling interferes with the laughter.

More details and directions to the cabins will be sent after payment is received.

Choose to Cause a Positive Ripple

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ophelia rameriz

(My guest blogger today is Ophelia Ramirez, creator of an Act as One movement that promotes unity through love and respect. Find more information on this Facebook page.)

I’ve been thinking much lately about the crazy level of unkindness in the world and how overt it seems to be these days. I’m not sure if it’s really more overt, or whether, thanks to technology, it’s simply more accessible, more obvious.  Whatever the reason, it is in my/our face on a daily basis. It’s all too easy to collapse into despair, to bemoan the bygone days of decency that I believe are largely seen through rose-colored glasses.  Still, it needs to be acknowledged that in this time, hate, unkindness, vitriol, are prevalent.

And yet, I believe that we are all on this planet, all at this time for a reason.  Marianne Williamson once said in response to a person asking why we needed to do anything if it’s all an illusion anyway, “ It’s up to us to transform the illusion, to change it.”  (I put quotes around that to denote her words but it may not be exact).  The point is that it is up to us to change our reality.  It is up to us to change ourselves first and by doing so change others.  This is the only way the world changes.  This is not a naive platitude.  After the Paris bombings, the Dalai Lama responded by saying that it is futile to look to governments for the answer.  He said any meaningful change will come from individuals changing themselves.

 

act as one logo

There are many instances where big changes happened because one person had the courage to step forward.  We can easily think of many famous people who had the courage to make a difference: Mahatma Ghandi, Rosa Parks, Oskar Schindler, Steve Jobs – yes, they all had many people backing them up but they had the initial spark and the courage to act on it. If you are like me, and really, like most of us, we ask ourselves how can I make a difference? What could I possibly do that will make a dent?  Well, think of all the people in your life who have changed you in some way.  Maybe it was something they did. Perhaps they said something that affected you more than they will ever know.

Now think the reverse of that: how many people have you influenced? What kind word or act of yours helped others?  We interact with many people each day: family members, clerks, fellow employees, people on the road, grocery store personnel, the list is long.  We all have an opportunity to each day to touch the lives of many.  As the popular meme says, “Being kind costs $0.00”.

Our every action has a ripple effect – we can choose to have our ripple be one of good. I invite you to join me in making waves that will change our world for the better.

Send me a post or a video of how you are sending out ripples for change or of how someone else’s actions has affected you; I will post them on my site.  My email is: [email protected]

We can do better.  We must do better.  We can Act As One.

Pre-Order Midlife Happy Hour and Laugh First!

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It’s time to laugh again. Click this link and be one of the first to get a copy.

Midlife Happy Hour

 

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Here is a list of the chapters:

  1. Early Signs I Wasn’t Eligible for Sainthood
  2. The Great TV Blooper of Southern Idaho
  3. What if Arts Patrons Acted Like Sports Fans?
  4. The World Can Kiss Our Attitude
  5. Stay Relevant and Thirsty, My Friend
  6. Why Your Children Are Cute but Should Move Out
  7. My Feminine Mystique Sprung a Leak
  8. Reinventing the Wheel of Fortune
  9. Validation on a Volcano
  10. Mom, I Joined the Army
  11. Balancing Midlife Without Falling Over
  12. Blog Your Way to Fame and Shame
  13. My Fish Won’t Hump Your Leg
  14. Still Laughing in the Empty Nest
  15. Midlife Crisis of Confidence
  16. Coloring Outside the Lines
  17. The Joy of Traveling with (Grown) Children
  18. Tell Enchanting Stories to the Grandkids
  19. My Views from Behind the Podium
  20. What to Wear if You Must Get Dressed
  21. The Suffragist Ghosts of Susan and Alice
  22. Why Caregivers Drink
  23. How to Plan a Funeral
  24. Happy Hour, At Last!

 

Business Owners Should Write Reviews about Clients

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rental cabin

I own a cozy cabin in the central mountains of Idaho. To generate income to pay for expenses, I rent it through a professional property management company. Based on some of the negative reviews left on the company’s website, I’ve concluded that some renters shouldn’t travel without a therapist and a blankie.

elk at retreat

We named the cabin the Elk Mountain Retreat because herds of wild elk can be seen from the porch. Other meandering wildlife includes deer, turkeys, wolves, and coyotes, and eagles and other birds soar overhead. The isolated retreat is only an hour’s drive from Boise, and the area offers hiking and biking trails, cross-country ski trails, fishing, and a winter tubing hill. A natural stream runs along the property line, and the river is within walking distance. The cabin was built eight years ago and features hardwood floors, granite counter tops, three bathrooms, a stocked kitchen, air conditioning, gas fireplace, plush furniture, high-speed Internet, Dish TV, and beds for 10 people. Overnight rent starts at only $180 per night.
rental cabin interior 2

I schedule quarterly writing retreats at the cabin and all the writers think it’s a bit of paradise. Unfortunately, some people disagree. Here are some of the published complaints about the cabin along with the responses I wish I could write:

The screened porch is too hot. I’ve learned several useful skills, but controlling the outside temperature isn’t one of them.

The cabin is too far from the river. You can see the river from the front porch and it’s within a short walk. The rental information never indicated that the cabin in on the river. Please take your crying towel and go home.

The description claimed there was a stocked kitchen but there isn’t a pancake griddle! I’ve survived more than half a century using a frying pan for pancakes. We can never be friends if you gripe about a griddle.

rental cabin kitchen

The upstairs was so hot we had to drag the king-sized mattress down the stairs! Would you do this at a friend’s house or at a motel? You damaged the mattress, the walls, and the carpet on the stairs. Maybe don’t turn the air conditioner to 60 and run it constantly until it breaks. And, you’re in the mountains with abundant fresh, cool air. Open the windows!

There isn’t any salt and pepper! You poor delicate flower. Do you expect to find spices in your hotel rooms? You’re in a remote cabin in the mountains. You brought your own food so why not throw in some basic condiments? Maybe add Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass and reflect on self-sufficiency.

My deposit wasn’t refunded so I’m calling the media. Do you really think the media will care after I show photos of how your family trashed the place? The food you left under the couch was a nice touch, and I hope your rambunctious child enjoyed the children’s books and puzzles that are missing. Your cigarette butts on the porch prove you can’t read “No Smoking” rules, so please go sit in the corner, somewhere else.

I didn’t like the layout of the bedrooms. Just pack your belongings and go away.

rental cabin king room upstairs

I understand that renters could have legitimate issues, but that’s why there is a property management company. But, don’t call at 1:00 am and complain that it’s too hot when the outside temperature is 70 degrees. Go downstairs and turn on the television to watch a documentary about third world countries. Then call back in the morning and apologize.

Small businesses, especially restaurants and authors, can be seriously hurt by negative online reviews. I’ve authored twelve books listed on Amazon.com, and occasionally a negative review will provoke a sassy retort I quickly write but don’t publish. For example, the cover of my book Midlife Cabernet features a full wine glass on the front cover, a wine bottle on the back cover, and the stories include humorous tales of life with friends. The award-winning book has 352 written reviews with a total score of 4.1 stars out of a top score of five. One of the negative comments complained that the book contained too many references to wine. Who could have known?

Many times, people who write negative and nasty reviews are mad about other issues or have a vendetta against an employee or the owner. The companies have no way of responding to people who leave anonymous remarks. If customers and clients are compelled to leave a hostile comment about a company, a book, or a service, at least they should have a valid reason. Most business owners will negotiate a compromise or find a mutually acceptable resolution to a legitimate problem.

Based on a few negative reviews and significant damage done to my cabin, I’ve removed it from the rental market. Now I must get busy and schedule more writing retreats. At least any complaints will be well-written.

 

Actinic Keratosis isn’t a Foreign Movie Star

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actinic keratosis joke

Just when I thought nothing could get worse than the presidential campaign, a nasty growth appeared on my head and threatened to sprout into an evil poltergeist of death and destruction. At least it took my mind off of politics.

During the middle of June, I was washing my hair and felt a strange bump the size of a jelly bean on the top of my head. The following week, it grew a topknot that felt like a chocolate chip. My normal mode of operation was to ignore bad things and hope they went away, but this strategy wasn’t working. Two weeks later, the bump had grown to the size of an M&M candy, probably a red one but I couldn’t see it. Using candy as a measurement was an effective tool to prompt a positive reaction. I’d be happy as a pig in warm mud if my head suddenly erupted with bountiful bouquets of bonbons.

Alas! No sweets came with the irregular growth that became more irritated each time I used a blow dryer on my hair. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and thought of a hundred reasons to cancel. What if it was just a blemish? What if I suddenly became allergic to hair dye and had to go gray? What if my brain was being eaten alive? What if I imagined everything and the doctor would send me to a padded cell? By then, the growth was morphing into the size of a red-and-white peppermint, so I kept the appointment.

There is a crater on top my head.

The doctor poked around my head, muttering and fussing about lesions and keratosis and surgical excision. Finally, she stepped back and with professional authority said I’d need to return as soon as possible and have it cut out and sent for a biopsy. I envisioned a crater on the top of my head and asked if it would be deep enough to hold fresh flowers or candy because that would be a nice feature. She didn’t laugh.

I returned on July 29 and the doctor draped a surgical towel over my head, gave me a shot of wonderful anesthetic, and commenced to cut with a tool that resembled a tiny post hole digger. My scalp bled profusely, and I asked if any brains were leaking. She assured me only blood was escaping and all the essential gray matter was still inside the scull. I mumbled my thanks, grateful that I was still able to coherently speak. She sewed up the wound with bright blue stitches and told me to have a nice day. “No problem,” I lied.

My husband and I continued with our plans to join other family members for a short vacation in the nearby mountain town of McCall, Idaho. On August 2, we had just finished golfing and were ready to join the family on a rented pontoon boat when a call came from the doctor. I hesitated answering because I suspected she was calling about lab results from the biopsy. She was calling a week ahead of my scheduled follow-up appointment, so I immediately wondered how many hours I had left to live. I sat down and answered the phone. She got straight to the truth.

“An aggressive actinic keratosis with a high potential for squamous cell carcinoma.”

“Damn,” I said. “I should have ordered dessert.”

Then the doctor offered the magic words of hope: “We dug deep and wide enough that the biopsy confirmed the margins of lesions are clear.”

I repeated the strange words. “The margins of lesions are clear?”

“Yes,” she assured me. “I’m sure we excised beyond the edge of the keratosis but come in Monday and we’ll go over the next procedures.”

I can’t die now because I just qualified for Social Security!

My grown children and their families were waiting on the boat and noticed my worried look. They asked if my irritable bowel syndrome was acting up again. I told them the biopsy diagnosis, and they immediately began bartering for my jewelry, silverware, and Steinway piano. I stopped their gleeful scavenging.

“Don’t get too excited,” I said. “It’s curable. And my mortgage isn’t paid off, so it’s best if you wait a decade or two.”

McCall family boating

We continued our ride around the lake, and I used my cell phone to research important facts. Squamous cell carcinoma is the second most common type of skin cancer and fortunately is curable in 95% of cases, if detected early. Every year in the U.S., approximately 200,000 to 250,000 cases are diagnosed, and 2,500 people die from the disease. While 96% of SCCs remain localized to the skin, the small percentage of remaining cases can spread to distant organs and become life-threatening.

Most types of severe actinic keratosis are causes by exposure to the ultraviolet (UV) radiation from the sun. I was guilty of not taking care of my skin. I grew up on a farm and worked in the fields without a hat. I rode bikes, played outside, and rode my horse without covering my head. As an adult, I golfed and went boating without a hat. I’m fair-skinned and have thin hair. This skin cancer scare was the result my own careless stupidity.

I turned off the phone and focused on the boat ride. Suddenly the sky became bluer, the mountains more majestic, and my children seemed to radiate joy and purpose. Laughter from my grandkids sounded like music, and my husband held my hand as if pulling me out of a looming despair. While breathing and living in the present moment, I had one passionate thought: There is a hole in my head closed with blue sutures, but I’m going to live. I whispered a prayer of gratitude and thanked my weary guardian angel.

Proactive prognosis under my thinking cap.

McCall boating

I watched the wake from the back of the pontoon boat and appreciated the splendid journey through six decades of life. At my age, I’ve enjoyed more summer days than I’ll experience again, but I choose to look forward. There are more mischievous moments to provoke, more words to write, and more hugs to share.

From now on, I’ll follow the doctor’s orders, get regular examinations, wear sun screen, and purchase a millinery of festive hats. I’ll buy a patriotic bonnet to wear to the voting booth, and I intend to vote for many years until we get it right. This negative election season soon will be gone but I’ll still be here, wearing jolly hats and eating dessert.