Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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New Book Coming in October: Midlife Happy Hour

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New Offering from Brown Books Says Midlife is Worth Living Out Loud

“Midlife Happy Hour: Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos” Set for Fall Release

DALLAS (May 3, 2016) – Brown Books Publishing Group has signed celebrated #1 best-selling author, syndicated blogger, and humorist Elaine Ambrose to publish her newest book, Midlife Happy Hour: Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos.

“Middle-aged women need to reinvent their lives and celebrate parties in the empty nest,” Ambrose said. “They know if the glass is half empty, fill it fast and pass the cookies.”

Midlife Happy Hour is a collection of humorous essays and anecdotes that is Ambrose’s sequel to her #1 best-selling 2014 release of Midlife Cabernet touted by Publishers Weekly as “laugh-out-loud funny!”

With her Brown Books title, scheduled for October release, Ambrose boldly and hilariously pens her latest kiss-my-attitude book in order to share her irreverent advice. Readers will learn how to remain relevant when the world ignores them, why their children are cute but should grow up and move out, how to communicate with aging parents, and why it’s never too late to enjoy a passionate love life, but only with proper lighting.

Working women will relate to her humorous tales of surviving various jobs while raising children, wiping toddler snot off her fashionable business suits, and competing as a funny female in a serious, male market. She grew up on a potato farm outside the village of Wendell, Idaho, and became the state’s first female television news reporter, a manager in a Fortune 500 Corporation, and a magazine editor.

Ambrose received international acclaim when one of her humorous stories became one of the most-read posts in the history of The Huffington Post. Her viral essay was translated into six languages and published around the world. She has received multiple awards from the Independent Publisher Book Awards (IPPY) and ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.

Other books by Ambrose include The Magic Potato, a bilingual children’s book that was approved for the statewide school curriculum. Her first collaboration was with New York Times bestselling author Joanne Kimes to write Menopause Sucks.

Ambrose delivers just the right recipe for laughter with Midlife Happy Hour.  Cheers to the readers who will laugh out loud!

For more information on Elaine Ambrose and Midlife Happy Hour, please visit: www.midlifehappyhour.com.

Media contact: Brian Briscoe, 972.248.9500, Brian.Briscoe@TheAgencyatBB.com

About Brown Books Publishing Group (BBPG)

Founded by Milli Brown in 1994, Brown Books Publishing Group is a full-service, independent publisher of high-quality books across all genres. Committed to producing award-winning books for authors who choose to retain the rights to their intellectual property, Brown Books publishes more than one hundred titles a year and has won numerous prestigious awards, including the Writer’s Digest Grand Prize, Mom’s Choice Award, Foreword Book of the Year, Gold Ink Award, Axiom Business Book Award and many more. Brown Books authors have appeared on programs and networks such as the “Today” show, Fox News, “Face the Nation,” CNN and BBC News. They have been featured in publications such as USA Today, Publishers Weekly, and The New York Times. In addition, BBPG authors have been guests on NPR programming, including “The Diane Rehm Show,” “Morning Edition” and “The Takeaway.” To learn more, visit www.BrownBooks.com and www.BrownBooksKids.com and www.BrownChristianPress.com.

 

About The Agency at Brown Books (ABB)

The Agency at Brown Books is a full-service public relations, marketing and branding firm within a publishing house. As a subsidiary of Brown Books Publishing Group, The Agency is backed by 20 years of excellence and experience, and the one-of-a-kind, integrated platform is available to Brown Books’ authors as well as to non-affiliated authors, established writers, entrepreneurs, CEOs and anyone seeking smarter strategies for building their business. For more information, visit www.TheAgencyAtBB.com.

 

 

 

 

Searching for Cheekbones

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face injections

I never intended to have hyaluronic acid gel injected into my face, but the physician said he could smooth my nasolabial folds. I love it when a guy talks dirty to me.

“How do you know they need improvement?” I cooed.

“Those are your laugh lines around your mouth,” he answered. “You must laugh a lot.”

Well, yes I do. But I’ve earned every line on my face and I was hesitant to try to cover up the damage from six decades of living out loud. And the procedure involved needles. I hate needles.

I was a speaker at the recent Bloggers at Midlife Conference in Las Vegas, Nevada. The trade show featured demonstrations of Restylane® Lyft with Lidocaine from Galderma. A few women were chosen for the injections, and I obviously appeared to be the perfect “before” candidate. A team of goddess-faced professionals consulted me before showing the tray of syringes and gave me some literature to read.

As noted on the website, the FDA-approved procedure implants hyaluronic acid gel into the deep dermis to superficial subcutis to correct moderate to severe facial folds and wrinkles, such as nasolabial folds, and improve subcutaneous to supraperiosteal implantation for cheek augmentation and correction of age-related midface contour deficiencies in patients over the age of 21. Lucky for me, I was barely over 21.

The demonstration came at no cost, so I decided why not? Like a brave, wrinkled soldier, I assumed the position on the table.

“As long as we’re here, could you perform liposuction my entire body?” I asked.

“We don’t have enough time or big enough equipment,” he answered. What a joker.

The procedure took about 15 minutes. He injected the gel into the lines around my mouth, muttering that he was a great sculpture and I was his work of art. I felt more like a massive lump of pottery clay.

fat face

Then he injected the solution along my cheeks. I’ve been blessed with a round balloon face, so I’ve never seen my cheekbones. I assumed they were in there somewhere. After the injections, I could immediately see the definition on my face. A few more glasses of wine and I would look like Sophia Loren.

A few hours after the injections, I could see that my marionette puppet mouth was less hinged. I could pass for a glamorous 50-year-old. After age 60, it’s all relative.

I appreciate the complimentary lift, and it’s interesting to see the slight contours in my face. I’ve read that some women curtail their laughter so they won’t develop laugh lines. That’s a sacrifice I’m not willing to make. For now, I’ll keep laughing and see if the lines return. We’ll see how interesting my nasolabial folds can become.

 

 

Disclosure: I received the complimentary procedure in exchange for this serious, scholarly post on my blog.

 

 

 

Crushed Kale causes Juice on the Loose

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juice machine

 

A jumbled vision from childhood caused me to fear blenders. I witnessed my mother’s morning ritual of stepping onto a machine in her bedroom, securing a strap around her waist, and then flipping a switch that made her entire body shake like mud in a blender. Since then, I have suppressed these horrifying memories by consuming large bowls of peanut M&Ms and cases of red wine. Even the noise of a fancy margarita machine can throw me into a catatonic panic attack that only can be soothed by a least two of the tasty frozen concoctions.

Fast forward fifty years and I am the card carrying member of the “Tried and Failed Every Diet on the Planet” club. To quote the late, great Erma Bombeck, “I keep trying to go on a diet, and I’ve tried going to the gym. I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzard followed them to their cars. And, in two decades, I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

In my spare time, that blessed moment between 1:00 and 2:00 p.m., I enjoy watching documentaries on Netflix because it’s easier to justify than watching soft porn. Lately, I’ve been hooked on food films. Now I’m scared to death about all the crap in our food. I grew up on a farm, and we ate our crops and our livestock (except for the horses.) Now, I worry that my grandkids will be polluted and poisoned with the garbage that passes as edible food. I’m relieved that their parents have gardens and limit their access to cookies and candy (except at my house.)

The last documentary I watched was “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” by Joe Cross. The show advocates the use of juicers, and it shows how obese, unhealthy people gave up chewing and became healthy, happy, productive members of society by drinking juice. For every meal. I immediately put down my box of Girl Scout cookies, mainly because it was empty, and vowed to try this plan. My friend was on the juice diet, and she looked great. (Of course, she was born beautiful, but that’s not the point.)

I had a $100 rebate from purchasing a pair of contacts. I took that with my 20-percent-off coupon to Bed, Bath and Beyond and ordered a Breville Juice Fountain Plus. With my rebate and coupon, it only cost $30. It arrived by mail the following week so I stocked up on red beets, kale, celery, apples, cucumbers, spinach, ginger root, lemons, and peppers. It was great fun to watch whole apples and beets instantly whirl into juice. In an erroneous attempt to fool myself, I poured beet juice into a wine glass. Remember how we used to fool our babies by pretending the blob of baby food was on an airplane heading into their mouths? That didn’t work then, either. I regret corrupting my best wine glass.

toilet paper cartoon

After a few days, I was running a small juice factory and also running down the hall to the bathroom. I didn’t dare leave the house. I already knew the location of every public bathroom within a fifty-mile radius from my home, but that wasn’t good enough. I thought about pulling a Porta-Potty on a trailer behind my car, but they don’t deliver and I knew I couldn’t make it to their store. So, I eased up a little on the amount and frequency. Now I only have juice once or twice a week. That leaves plenty of time to consume my other favorite juice. It’s made from fermented grapes and pairs well with a chewy cheese plate.

 

Attend an In-State University to Save Money and Get a Job

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Graduates tossing caps into the air

I’m amused by all the fuss, frustration and foolish angst many parents and students endure as they travel across the country to various colleges and universities in search of the perfect match. In my educated opinion, most 18-year-old high school graduates don’t have a clue what they want to study, so why waste time and money seeking Big Name or Ivy League schools that eagerly take your fortune but don’t provide the stately claims offered in their glossy brochures?

My friend Nancy and I recently attended an elegant cocktail party and it seemed that every parent was discussing the college dilemma and how they were supporting their precious offspring, both financially and emotionally. The host sauntered over to us and began to announce that he had been paying more than $100,000 a year for his daughter to attend a prestigious college “back east.”

“What is her major?” I asked.

“Well, she’s not sure but she’s considering working for a non-profit organization.” He seemed smug in his answer.

Nancy choked on her martini.

“You’re going to spend almost half a million dollars for her to work in non-profit?” she asked. “That’s a noble profession but I think she could obtain a less expensive education.”

I gave her a quick look that implied she should go light on the alcohol.

The host seemed offended by her question and replied with a certain all-knowing attitude. “Well, Idaho just doesn’t offer the educational experience she needed.”

Nancy wouldn’t let it go. I stepped aside and prepared to enjoy what was coming next.

“My two children attended the University of Idaho, graduated debt-free within four years with degrees in business, and now they’re in their late twenties and make more than six figures a year.”

The host stood speechless and then frantically glanced across the room to find a way to escape from our common sense conversation. He spotted a more sympathetic victim and walked away.

Nancy and I exchanged glances and laughed. We’d known each other for decades, ever since we met in Girls State in 1968. She was the confident student leader from a huge Boise high school and I was the goofball from the village of Wendell. We met again at the University of Idaho in 1969 and have remained close friends. After majoring in journalism, we entered the workforce debt-free and enjoyed successful careers in Idaho. We remain loyal alumni and appreciate the skills learned and relationships forged at our in-state university.

 

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Most states have excellent universities and trade schools that offer less expensive choices, especially for the first two years when students take required core classes. Parents who own property are paying the taxes to support those schools, so why pay out-of-state tuition somewhere else? Often, the state universities have excellent job placement records, and isn’t that the reason students attend?

According to financial advice on CNN Money, the tuition, room and board at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts is approximately $64,492, not counting grants and scholarships. By comparison, the tuition, room and board at the University of Idaho total $19,241, excluding grants or scholarships. The annual in-state tuition is $6,784 and out-of-state tuition is $20,314. In-state tuition at the small community college in Twin Falls, Idaho is only $3,880. Most of the students have outside jobs and places to live, so room and board isn’t always a factor. Here’s a fact to personalize the issue: my brother graduated from Harvard University and I graduated from the University of Idaho. I enjoyed a more successful career and a happier life.

 

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I’ve been the commencement speaker at both the University of Idaho and the College of Southern Idaho. I urged the students not to get or increase their student loans, but I could tell by the groans from the audience that my advice came too late. Student loan debt is becoming a national financial disaster. According to MarketWatch, the $1.2 trillion in student loan debt may be preventing Americans from making the kinds of big purchases that drive economic growth, like houses and cars, and reaching other milestones, such as having the ability to save for retirement or move out of mom and dad’s basement. Updated statistics as of 2022: Total student loan debt is expected to exceed $2 trillion by 2024.

Check recent statistics:

https://mycreditsummit.com/student-loan-debt-statistics/

I know a woman who owes more than $100,000 in student loans and is working on a Masters Degree in Fine Arts. She’s never worked a full-time job and her biggest return on investment will be more debt as she struggles for the rest of her life to make the monthly payments on her loans. The government is a benevolent giver of taxpayer money but demands repayment, with interest. I believe the student loan program is a calculated way to make young people indebted to the government. Students would do better to take a year off from school and work full-time to save money for college tuition. That doesn’t mean they are entitled to a “gap year” to go find themselves as someone else pays their way.

To earn and save money during college, I lived with my parents and worked during the summer and on Christmas and Spring Breaks. I was the first female in my family to graduate from college and did so at age 21. Two weeks after graduation I was working full-time in an exciting career, grateful for the opportunity to do what I loved: write, promote and pay the bills. My college experience gave me freedom and opportunities that changed my life as I focused on one main goal: work at a rewarding job, support myself and use my talents to live the best life possible. Go, Idaho.

Which is NOT a Good Mother’s Day Gift?

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turn body into a tree

 

midlife trilogy

Trying to decide the perfect gift for the mother(s) in your life? You could chose a biodegradable urn that will turn into a tree after death. Or, select three bestselling books that will cause laughter. It’s your choice.

Treat the mothers in your life to the Midlife Trilogy Package for only $30.

Save $7.00 on Three Hilarious and Helpful Bestselling Books

Midlife Cabernet won two national humor awards, ranked #1 in humor sales on Amazon.com, and Publishers Weekly reviewed it as “laugh-out-loud funny!”

Feisty after 45 – The Best Blogs from Midlife Women ranked #1 in midlife sales on Amazon.com and features 45 bloggers from across the country and Canada.

Menopause Sucks – This bestseller offers serious facts wrapped in irreverent humor.

 

You can have personalized, autographed copies delivered free to downtown Boise, Meridian and Eagle, or the three books can be mailed for an additional $10.

Offer ends May 5.

Email elaine@elaineambrose.com for details

 

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Don’t Dress Like a Yak when Speaking in Public

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yak

If you want to speak in public, there are rules to follow: Pre-check your teeth for broccoli, and tame your irritable bowel syndrome. Remind the audience to turn off cell phones and stay awake because your words could change their lives. Don’t dress like a yak.

This month I spoke at two national conferences and learned the hard way to follow my proven dress code: I should wear black at all times and under all circumstances but throw in a tiny bit of color. Otherwise, I could resemble a large, woolly beast.

At the prestigious Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, Ohio, I obeyed my rules. I felt confident in my chosen wardrobe that included a black jacket with a turquoise shell. I was ready to mingle with other speakers and comediennes half my age, and some of us even created entire comedy routines when we met in the bathroom of the hotel. On one occasion, humorists and authors Stacey Lowrey Gustafson and Anne Bardsley posed with me for a festive photo next to the latrines. It was a special moment.

Erma 3 commediennes

More than 350 writers attended the conference, some with an abundant sense of style and a few who didn’t care. I presented two workshops, one on publishing and one on writing humor. Because I’m larger than a bread box but have the same shape, I always wear black. The dark color diminishes my football linebacker shoulders and attempts to hide my super-sized bosom that over the decades has dropped from perky to pendulum. If I know the presentation will be videotaped, I refuse to turn sideways because I will block out any redeemable image. There is a smidgen of pride somewhere buried in that incredible hulk.

For my presentations, I wore a conservative black knit dress and a long black and white tweed sweater. I often felt like a fraud as I encouraged others to have self-confidence and revel in their majesty as I tugged at my jacket to hide the body that longed to be a single-digit size again. But damn, the dessert cart offered cheesecake and it would go to waste if I didn’t have a few samples. And it’s not right to allow a bottle of wine to sit half-empty and forlorn. It must be consumed for the greater good of society.

erma speaker 2016

Two weeks after the Erma Bombeck conference, I spoke at the BAM Bloggers at Midlife Conference in Las Vegas, Nevada. More than 150 attendees came, and I knew I found my tribe. The first night, I wore a black tank top with a colorful long vest. I took a chance on going sleeveless, but no one vomited. I met some best friends I had know for years only online, including Donna Beckman Tagliaferri.

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However, for my presentation, my brain left my body as I decided to go with an outfit that broke my rules. I chose a long vest again but the material was in a bulky, hairy knit of cream dappled with brown leather squares. I resembled a yak. I knew I had made a mistake as I lumbered to the podium with Emmy Award winning author and screenwriter Judy Rothman Rofe and dynamo author Janie Emaus. They were dressed in solid colors and both were the size of Thumbelina. I wanted to detour out the side door and join my herd of grazing animals on a hillside far, far away.

BAM panel

Our panel discussion was vibrant and informative, and I was grateful for the table that hid half of my body. We breezed through the presentation and no one stood to yell, “Why didn’t you wear black? You always wear black!”

I continued with the outrageous fashion mistakes when I changed into a Vegas-inspired blouse for dinner. In the photos, the silly top looked like a tablecloth and I resembled a retired matron playing cards on a cruise ship. But my friends didn’t seem to mind because I made them look so much better.

BAM Group

The event was salvaged at a Disco-themed night when I happily wiggled into my black dress adored with sparkles and fat-shaping Spandex. As the music permeated the room, I danced with wild abandon and laughed myself silly as I gyrated to the beat of the Bee Gees and ABBA. The Yak died and I became the Dancing Queen. It was Friday night and the lights were low. I was looking out for the place to go. The dress was black but covered with bling. I raised my arms and sang out loud:

“You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life.

See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen.”

BAM dancer crop

The moral of the story is that some of us are too concerned with wearing basic black when we could add some sparkles and go dancing. After an hour of Disco music, no one really cared what anyone was wearing or if they were even human. It was all a matter of “I Will Survive” while “Staying Alive.”